Now my own TV Show

This week is really getting some momentum. I'm the King, so you can imagine I've been approached by a number of companies for endorsement deals, including the Burger King. Not so interested in that, but the creators of The Simpsons have decided I should play a character in the show. This is so cool I nearly wet myself. Stadiums, streets, clothing, and now my own cartoon. I'm calling it Sabamania.

Roll Bama.

Baby Picture of Lester

This picture landed on my desk this morning. The envelope simply said "King Nick."

I thought it was a relative, then I realized who this reminds me of: Lester Miles. Somebody get that dude a pacifier before he yacks on all of us.

Roll Bama.

Busy Busy Busy Week

Wow, it's the moment we've all waited for. The King's official coming out party in Tuscaloosa. This week is special in so many ways, but it's truly been exhausting.

On Monday, I did my first Game Week press conference for the press dudes. They were eatin my words up quicker than a wiener dog on kibbles and bits. I threw out a depth chart - funny, it got met with all kinds of comments from the press like "no surprise here," etc. Those guys are so full of it. I totally treated them like mushrooms all fall camp - kept them in the dark and fed them crap. It's just another form of Crimson Carma. I've been on fire since SI hit the news stands.

Unfortunately I had to suspend a couple of players. Thought I should get that out of the way. Folks, we're playing Western Carosomebody this weekend. My grandmother could suit up and outrun the Catamarans. We'll be fine. I'm predicting a large margin of victory for the ESPN Gameplan audience. Anywho, I'll give a more detailed breakdown of the game later this week.

I also have to admit I've been a bit naughty. But Lester is so much fun to screw with that I couldn't help it. Ok, don't tell him, but this is what I did. I spent the weekend over in Starkville with Sly Croom. I figure that guy really deserves a break. You could argue that he got one when he beat Steak Boy in T-town last November, but my arrival has made that pretty meaningless.

So I don't know if you've heard, but Sly's Bulldogs are playing LSU at home on that truly awesomely terrible sports journalism network - ESPN, on Thursday night.

After I wrapped up game planning for Western Carowhoever in late July, I started working with Sly's staff on the side. Needless to say, we've put in a number of special wrinkles for the LSU game. Holy crap, I'd love to see Lester drop about 15 F-Bombs late in the 4th quarter Thursday night, down by about three touchdowns.

I just sent Paul Jr. out to the 7-Eleven for some water. I think he can handle the task. He's almost come to realize that I don't work for him, so we've made some great strides already this fall.

Roll Bama.

JoPa and the Playstation

Just heard that JoPa had decided to help his team get ready for the season with Playstation 3. JoPa, dude, I know you're getting up there, but you know this doesn't simulate a linebacker flattening the QB don't you?

On a related note, Auburn just upgraded to the Atari 2600. Hope Jester gets the paddles, cause those joysticks are a real pain in the butt.

Roll Bama.

Crimson Karma vs Crimson Carma

It's less than a week before kick-off, and a sense of peace has come across me. It really got me to thinking about the Universe, and my place in it.

My wife Terry started this cool thing called Crimson Karma this fall at the University. It's all about doing nice things and having it come back to you in some fashion. Clearly she is much nicer than me. It's very very cool. I decided that I wanted to talk about Karma myself.

First, the name. I need to distinguish this. So I'm calling this "Crimson Carma." See, I changed the "K" to a "C." I'm so clever since that cover of SI. So what is Crimson Carma?

Crimson Carma by The King
It's knowing I am the King and that the conference is already shaking
It's knowing we're better than people think already
It's knowing 92,000 care so much that they show up for a meaningless scrimmage
It's knowing that nobody cares the cow college has one for the thumb
It's knowing Lester is so distracted his Tigers are about to screw it up in September
It's knowing the national press is now eating out of my hands
It's knowing the question isn't "if" but "when" are we going to win the next championship
It's knowing we won three or four national titles but we get to call it twelve
It's knowing Pumpkin Boy is feeling pressure before we even hit the field
It's knowing Cockadoodle is ticked off at the USC administration
It's knowing that JoPa is now using a playstation for practice. And laughing.
It's knowing my name will adorn one of these street signs
It's knowing we're not distracted by text messages or "substance" policies
and, most importantly,
It's knowing that Auburn has now become an afterthought in this state

Peace out. Time for some yoga. Roll Bama.

Some interesting math

Contract Boy says I should keep working on my image. Much love to the US Department of Education for supplying the figures below. A whole lot has been made of my salary. I'm not a math whiz, but it seems to me that the economic impact I bring the University should be taken into account. Did you see the 92,000 who showed up for the spring fun? How much extra beer and food and Bama stuff do you think got consumed as a result?

How much do you think that free advertising for the University on the cover of Sports Illustrated this week is worth? Some dufus with the Atlanta-Journal & Stupidness said a few less potholes would get fixed this year in the state. They don't get it. I'm an investment in growth, not a cost center eating up valuable resources.

Anywho, throwing out the facts that most of my salary is paid from outside-the-university resources, if we just look at the revenue the University produces in football in comparison to my salary vs other schools, you get some interesting math. Sly looks way overpaid. P.S. Miles Brand of the non-profit group called the NCAA made almost $900,000 last year alone. What's he producing? He's no King. Roll Bama.

SEC coach	Salary	Football revenue	Percentage
King Saban, Alabama	$4,000,000	$44,426,312	9.0%
Jester, Auburn	2,231,000	51,598,921	4.3
Pumpkin Boy, Tennessee	2,050,000	27,732,427	7.3
Cockadoodle, South Carolina	1,750,000	33,051,529	5.2
Urban Legend,Florida	1,525,550	48,194,552	3.1
Lester, LSU	1,450,000	39,528,895	3.7
Boss Hog, Arkansas	1,049,644	28,466,785	3.7
Sylvester Croom, Miss.State	940,000	7,185,069	13.0
Ed Orgeron, Ole Miss	905,000	16,563,825	5.4
Rich Brooks, Kentucky	729,165	19,793,174	3.6

Some others

BCS game coach	Salary	Football revenue	Percentage
Jim Tressel, Ohio State	$2,013,700	$60,773,537	3.3
Bobby Petrino, Louisville	1,743,000	16,331,615	9.3
Bob Stoops, Oklahoma	3,450,000	33,757,486	10.0
Chris Peterson, Boise State	511,880	8,542,522	6.0
Lloyd Carr, Michigan	1,454,619	50,365,537	2.9
Trojan Man, S. California	2,782,320	27,777,249	10.0
Catholic Boy, Notre Dame	3,300,000	61,463,627	5.3

My own hat. Now my own tshirt

Check it out, my own clothing line. It's so Saban. Add a hat, and you've got yourself a football coach. Thanks Jeff - send a few for the wife and kids as well. Oh, and Mal wants one of these too. Maybe I should pass these out to the press as party favors. Roll Bama.

Lester, Meet Jester. Your Evil Twin

Much Bama love to Cindy in Birmingham for this picture. I'm the King, so I'm calling this Caption Capstone Friday. See, I make up a caption, and you can either comment or leave the King email on what you'd write here. Here goes:

I wonder what's really happening here? Looks like Jester zapped Lester with one of those trick hand buzzers, causing Lester's hair to stand right up. Either that, or somebody passed gas.

I would sure check my pockets for a missing wallet if I walked away from this conversation.

Roll Bama.

Some email from Dothan

The fan mail has been pouring in at an expected rate. Some dude from Dothan even sent the following written on a roll of toilet paper (pretty handy given where I sit to read all this stuff): "Your Exalted Majesty, Great King of Alabama, King of Kings, King of the Conferences; Master of Auburn, LSU, Tennessee, Florida, Arkansas, South Carolina, Kentucky, and Mississippi, and the nations of the PAC 10; Ruler of Michigan, Sparta and Troy; Sovereign Lord of CBS, ESPN and the entire blogosphere from the rising to the setting sun, His Most Exalted, Invincible, Incorruptible, Blessed of God, and Omnipotence among mortals"

I don't know what all that means, but it sounds like I'm in charge. Dothanite, go forth and conquer. P.S., the paper wasn't as soft as I'm used to. Send Charmin next time. With Lester's picture on it, since he poops out the mouth. Roll Bama.

Opening Day: An Ode to Greatness

During my morning jog, I began to think of the upcoming season. I get all teary-eyed thinking of the Legend I'm about to become here. Thinking of the cover of Sports Illustrated. Gotta put a framed copy over the toilet in my bathroom. There will be streets, monuments, and buildings - all with my name on them. So cool. I got so excited I wrote a poem:

We are but nine days from kick-off time
And the King of ‘Bama is doing just fine.
Jester, Lester, Pumpkin Boy, and the Press
Are all dreaming ‘Bama is a mess.
Alas, the cupboard Is not empty.
And The King is in charge.
Perkinator was no fun, Curry had bricks;
Stallings is the man;
DuBose was clumsy, Aggie Boy ran;
Destiny Price nary coached a game;
Did Steak Boy ever "coach" a game?
Mal needed a great coach with a little class
And boy, did the $4m King save his ass.
After all is said and done
The question isn’t if, but how many,
Championships the Tide have won.
Where will my statue reside?
Probably next to Bear, purchased by the
Members of Tide Pride. Roll Bama.

Football Coach. King. Legend. Poet. I've got it all.

Take me home, West Virginia. Not.

It's early here in Tuscaloosa, but we've got to get up and get goin. We have a team on the other side of the state that we aim to dominate 365 days a year. And from the looks of recruiting, we're way ahead of schedule.

Anywho, I'm reading a snippet from West Virginia coach Rich Rodriguez this morning after Yoga and coffee. I started laughing my ass off when I read this quote: "He was later talking about how important communication is, not just on the field but in all facets of life, while making another reference to the Alabama job. An erroneous report on a Friday night in December had him turning in his native blue and gold for crimson and white.

‘‘That’s what bothered me about that Alabama situation — and by the way I didn’t know their pockets were that deep, Nick Saban found that out — there was a miscommunication,’’ he said."

Ok, Rich, you're full of it. I'm from Fairmont, which is right up the road. I can't believe you didn't take the 'Bama job and get the hell out of there. You know what the only good thing to come out of West Virginia is? I-81 South. That's right, you didn't know how big the pockets were in Tuscaloosa because you were too busy counting the change the booster club sent ya after you got 'Bama's offer. $4m deep. I don't think you're gonna make quite that much.

Yes, you accepted the offer and got cold feet. I handled it much better. I just said no comment until January. Moron. This is why I am King and on the cover of Sports Illustrated, while you're trying to get some mountain folk all excited about your team. How great would it be for us to meet during bowl week? Not great for you , I can say that. I have just about decided my team is loaded. Steak Boy was a bad coach, but he did leave a few recruits. Roll Bama.

Jester and Academic Qualifiers

Ok, this just in. Jester really should be getting his guys on the plains into the classroom. Turns out one-third of their 30 signees from February couldn't even get into school. Said Jester, "Well, we're just glad 25 of them will be on the field this fall."

Twenty-five? Perhaps Jester should go to class himself. I'm no whiz, but that sounds wrong.

Check out this picture. Thanks Bobbie Leigh from Andalusia. Bobbie titled this one, "Auburn Valedictorian." Is that an 8-track back there? Pass the cheetos.

Roll Bama.

Check it out, I'm on the cover of SI

Looks like all this "good will press tour" is really paying some dividends. Crap, check it out, I'm on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

Much love to the writer (a Bama journalism professor, Mal says this is just fine). Check out this quote. “They have welcomed him as Caesar, as pharaoh, and paid him enough money to burn a wet dog. Now he will take them forward by taking them back to the glory of their past -- the 21 Southeastern Conference championships, the 12 national championships, the Team of the 20th Century (as The Wall Street Journal called the Crimson Tide in 2000).

“Saban has not promised them so much -- 'I don’t believe in predictions,’ he says -- but they believe. It may take two years, three, more, to be in the discussion again when people talk about the best teams in college football. But they know he will take them home."

I don't know about burning wet dogs - that's more a Michael Vick thing - but I do like being called Caesar and pharaoh. I may need to get one of those togas like Bluto was wearing in Animal House. The picture is very good, as it gets me in my vest and straw hat right in the middle of that ridiculous heat. Somewhere in the background is Paul Jr. getting me some lemonade.

Much Bama love to the journalist, Rick Bragg. This is fantastic butt-kissing material. Rick, I'll be leaving you a sideline pass. Please call Mal to pick it up. And Cecil, Rick is your example. Step it up.

If this doesn't give you some sense of how in control I am I don't know what does. This school went from laughing stock to the cover of SI in nine months. Free advertising. $4m bucks? A bargain. I am the King. Everybody get on my shoulders, cause we're marching back to national prominence. Siuya Jester, Pumpkin, Lester, and all others not on the train. Roll Bama.

I'm on the Peace-out Tour

Much as been made recently of the attempts to "better my image." It's such a load of crap. Mal says I should be nice. But actually, I think being a bigger-than-life horse's ass is the way to go - isn't that what Bear did? I mean, come on, I'm not smoking or drinking bourbon. Much.

Anywho, as part of my tour, I did a sleep-in nakedness with the press and some of my colleagues last week. I call this photo, "King Saban, ruler of all things." Pretty catchy. If you look closely, to the left, you can see me right next to the Jester. Well, not to close, if you get my meanin. That dude smells funny.

It was really a special moment. Me, Jester, Cecil Hurt, and Ivan Maisel. Lester wanted to go, but I told him he'd have to wait for the next global calamity before I let that happen. Mal asked to join too, but yikes, there's only so much nakedness one can endure. You know, I just couldn't help it. Right after this shot, I put on my straw hat and ran across the meadow yelling, "I'm King of the World."

Roll Bama.

Some Arrest Stuff

Had a little layoff over the weekend from updating all my fans. Mal's lawyers wanted to make sure my public diary was on the up and up. Made Paul Jr. get me a few cold ones Saturday afternoon since I'm in charge and all.

Tried to get some rest over the weekend, but I get this damn phone call the other night from one of Tuscaloosa's finest. He tells me one of my boys has been arrested on the strip. "What for?" I ask.

"Apparently, he was talking to some friends and wouldn't go to bed."

Ok, so we got that kid at Notre Dame was transporting liquor. Catholic Boy said that was an "honest mistake." Boys at Tennessee are abusing the "substance policy." Boys at Auburn can't spell. Ok, that's not against the law, but maybe it should be.

Seriously, I can't believe how much press this gets. It was even on ESPN.com. That's right, the same channel that thought 'Bama was an afterthought a year ago is now covering midnight incidents in Tuscaloosa, AL. Must suck to be them.

Here's my official statement. Who gives a ratt's ass. My all-world defensive back will run about a gazillion wind sprints over the next month, and sit out the first series against Western Carolina. Done. Roll Bama.

Fanmail from Bayou Country

I'm the King, and it's really showing this morning in my mailbox. It seems that my little meeting with Lester yesterday certainly stirred up the folks in Bayou Country.

Dear King. F You. Yours Truly, L. Miles - Baton Rouge, LA
Lester, I told you to sit down. You really should take an anger management class. I do yoga and mediation. In your case, you might want to add some meds on top of it.

Dear Mr. Saban. If we offer you $5m, will you bolt Bama and come back to LSU? The U-Haul truck is already at Les' house. Your old buddy, The LSU Athletic Director - Baton Rouge, LA
We're not buddies anymore. And I never really liked crawfish.

Dear Sir Nick King or whatever. Who gives a shit. Let's just get drunk and watch football. Yours truly, Jo Bob Harrison - Metairie, LA
Ok, this is the kind of fan I'm used to down there. Same number of names as teeth in their mouths: three. They are like Cubs fans really. Whether their football team is worth a damn or not, they really just want to get drunk and party on a Saturday night. Who doesn't? I think old Jo bob is already in to the Schlitz.

Keep the emails coming, it's simply entertaining. Roll Bama.

The Press is in Dire Need

They are in dire need of something, let me tell you. The Press all act as if they "know" exactly what's going on with my team. If they knew so damn much, maybe they'd be making $4m a year instead of stirring up the commoners with their two-bit columns.

Let's take Cecil Hurt. Nice enough fellow, but damn. Check this out from his column today: "When watching practice, even in small doses, and trying to form a preseason opinion about the upcoming year’s team, it’s often helpful to try to form some comparison of the current team with some of its predecessors.

Like snowflakes, no two teams are identical. (Who thought that there could be a snowflake reference to Tuesday’s practice?)

Over the course of the last few days, based not only on limited practice observation but also on scrimmage reviews and statistics and, most importantly, the comments of coach Nick Saban, there seems to be parallels between this team and other Tide teams of the past. The fact is, it appears that this team is going to have to rely heavily on offensive production to win games. That’s because the defensive talent, relative to the other teams in the league, may be at a low level that hasn’t been seen since 1969.

The previous paragraph is going to require a good bit of explication."

Cecil, buddy, "explication"? What the hell is that? Two teams like a "snowflake"? Are you kiddin? I'm not letting you anywhere near my boys again until you take off your skirt. This team has nothing to do with 2006, or 1992 or 1969 or 1892. For one, I wasn't here then. For two, I wasn't here then. And for three, how can you draw that conclusion when I don't even let you watch practice?

Let me repeat: we don't have a depth chart. My boys are not the losers they looked like a year ago. Coaching matters. Cecil, this wasn't very good butt-kissing material. Siuya. You're gonna have to run laps for the next interview. I've got the Jester across the state, and you're making a strong case for Village Idiot. Gotta go get my Saban Moca. Roll Bama.

Secret Meeting with Lester Miles

Sometimes I keep secrets. Come on, guys in my position – basically the Chairman of the Board if you get my drift – have to keep things close to the vest.

Anywho, after some light yoga and meditation this morning (this is how I control my anger towards the press), I ventured on over to Bryant Hall for an important meeting. I decided for the good of both our souls, states, and football programs we really needed to make peace. Ok, this is actually bullshit. One of Cajun Potty Mouth’s minions set the meeting up. Lester and a couple of his assistants were waiting on me when I arrived. Made him wait something like 12 minutes so that he knows I’m important.

“Nick,” says Cajun Potty Mouth. It’s already all I can do not to bite my own leg off, but I don’t say anything at this obvious disrespect by not addressing me in the proper way. “I’m hungry.”

Ok, so I take him over to the cafeteria. This is like the peace talks at Camp David. I lead him and his pack around to show I’m in control. We get back to my office, where he directs his assistants to sit and they all do like dogs following around their owner. I mean, seriously, it was pathetic. Guy ate a salad instead of sausage and eggs. Must be a wuss.

“So Nick, I think you know why I’m here.” Actually, I had no freaking idea. “Lester, what the hell do you want?”

“I was hoping Mike left you some direction here.” Steak Boy? Are you kidding me? “What we like to do here is called cooperation – see, if you’ll give me a copy of your spring playbook, I’ll be sure to send you one of ours sometime in November. We’ve done this with Mike for the last four years – everything except that part where we send him a copy of ours. But I’ll be sure to do that this year.”

The coffee I was drinking came spouting right out of my nose. “Are you friggin kidding me Lester? My staff and I have a word for this: ‘siuya.’”

He said he didn’t know what this meant, was it a foreign word or something. Of course Lester is stupid and spouts off at the mouth constantly, and is a moron, but I digress. “Lester, it means, Stick It Up Your Ass.”

Lester got all fired up. F-you this, F-you that. You’re a F-er. I mean it was real poetry. Then all of a sudden he was crying, I mean bawlin. “King Nick, I’ve been winning with your players, and the fans want to beat ‘Bama more than anything this year, and Pete Carrol is getting all this attention at USC, and you’re back in the conference, and ..” I will spare you the mellow-drama. It was sad and pathetic. And sad.

This year we will not be “trading playbooks” with any other staffs in the conference. Given the way my boys were man-handled last year, it’s the only explanation I have for that record. Ok, that and shitty coaching. My boys are not losers.

Lester. Jester. Pumpkin Boy. Siuya. Roll Bama.

Kenny Rogers - Singer or Reporter?

So as you may have figured out yesterday, I was pissed. I tell the press repeatedly there is no depth chart, then they go try to wrangle starting roles out of my boys. In my book they are all first stringers if they can make it through this stifling heat. I wish they would stop screwin around with the King's ways. I'm not exactly the pushover that Steak Boy was.

Shout out to my boy Kenny Rogers of the Dothan Eagle. Apparently when his entertainment career was over - which occurred somewhere between the movie "Six-Pack" and the song "Islands in the stream" - he converted to reporter for the Dothan Eagle. Not exactly the most respected profession, but in this case I think it was a step up.

I digress. Thanks Kenny for printing the entire statement I made yesterday about this depth chart thing - word for word. I don't know if you're trying to kiss my butt to get an interview, or if you were too lazy to actually write anything yourself, but I think it serves the purpose nonetheless. Roll Bama.

Legend is my boy

So I told you last week that I'm King, and 'Bama ain't playing no stinkin 11:30 am game for Abe Financial Sports for the season opener. I was simply emphatic about this with Mal.

Apparently, the SEC Commissioner dude, who thinks he's in charge (of what, I'm not quite certain) called Mal up. Said, "Mal, it's between you and Florida. And Florida is the defending National Champs. So you gotta take the early kick-off time. I don't care what Nick says"

Mal brings this crap to me. "Mal, give me the damn phone."

So I call the Commish. Cause I'm the King. "Commish, this is bull crap. First, you will address me as King Nick. Second, you go tell Urban Legend he gets the early kick-off, or Alabama is seceding from the Southeastern Conference."

"You're joking," he said.

"Negative. The Big 10 or 11 or whatever the hell it is is looking for a 12th team. 'Bama used to run this conference, and I'll be damn if upstart programs like Florida are going to call the shots. Don't forget I have connections up there."

Wa la, Florida gets the early kick-off time. See you on September 1. Late in the day even. Roll Bama.

Finebaum asks the question

And the King has the answers....

From the Paul column today: "However, if you listen to some of the experts, you might think Tuberville has already begun to wave the white flag in surrender. Regardless of the rhetoric, and it's worth pointing out that national signing day isn't until Feb. 5, 2008, the question begs asking: Has the pendulum already shifted and is there anything Auburn can really do about it?"

From The King: Paul, I don't know what a pendulum is, but the obvious answer is that there is nothing the Jester can do about 'Bama's return to its rightful place in this state. Game over. Why don't you just call me before you print this crap? It makes you look weak and scrawny. Did you get beat up a lot in the school yard?

I will say that you did have a nice quote in there about Auburn feeling like the red-headed step child to Alabama during the 1970s when we won something like 35 games in a row over those guys. The Bear was in charge. I'm in charge. I'm looking forward to making Auburn our beeatch again.

All in all, Paul, you do a pretty nice job of kissing my butt. I will join you on your show one day soon. Roll Bama.

Pumpkin Boy is getting the band back together

Much love to Jim Bob from Opp, AL, for this snapshot of Pumpkinator getting ready for the season. That's right, you don't see a whistle around his neck or a football in his hands. Apparently Karma is catching up with Pumpkin Boy, so he's decided to ready himself for his next career: aging hillbilly rock star.

I hope he coaches at least long enough for the King to whip his butt in October. Dude, if Steak Boy could beat Pumpkinator, look out. The King is ready.

I wonder if Johnny Majors will sing back-up? Lord, I hope not. Walking through the Saban-Bryant Museum, it looks like the only song he knew was the classic, "When we gonna beat 'Bama?" It was a tear-jerker.

I'd love to see a version of Rocky Top. Pumpkin on guitar, Johnny on drums, and maybe Cockadoodle on voice. Coach Cajun Potty Mouth can write the lyrics. If they need a "face" for the band, I think Steak Boy might be available.

That sofa looks like it came from the 1970s. Along with that tie. Roll Bama.

Dennis Dodd - not so clever

It's true. The King makes $4m a year, and that's a lot of dough. Don't forget I took a pay cut to get out Fishville.

Some reporters think they are so clever. Dennis Dodd over at CBS Sportsline is getting all womanly today over his love for Boise State. They have a good year and everybody thinks they've become a power. Ok, from Dennis the Menace's article: "Nick Saban makes more per year ($4 million) than Boise State spends on football ($3.5 million). The point? Alabama had better win the Fiesta Bowl this season."

Hey, Dennis, Saban Field at Bryant Denny Stadium seats more fans in the bathrooms than Boise State seats in their whole stadium in a year. You do the math. You're probably one of the same geniuses who thought Steak Boy didn't get enough time to suck before he should have been fired.

Not only that, the national title isn't being played in Tempe. It's being played in New Orleans. Dumb ass.

Sneak-Peak at Auburn Uniforms

Since the Jester and I are now on speaking terms, our relationship has really risen to a new level. As part of the truce, we've agreed not to turn each other in to the NCAA. Of course I didn't tell him I had a "Clone" now to do my dirty work. I'm gonna love screwin with Jester's mind. At LSU, what what our biggest rival, Tulane? The King didn't even have a worthy Jester, and that was no fun at all. Apparently we are now LSU's biggest rival - at least according to Coach Cajun Potty Mouth.

So back to Auburn. Jester hasn't tripped up and given me his game plans yet, but he did shoot me a copy of the logo that will adorn Auburn uniforms this year. It's the 40th anniversary of Auburn's only football national championship. I don't think they won the "Dunkel" title that year, but I'm pretty sure they must have been cheating. Jester says they are also considering putting this at midfield, and marketing a set of commemorative Pepsi products.

Of course 'Bama is no angel. But we didn't get caught for cheating until 1993. And since I'm King, I have decided 1993 didn't actually happen. As a result, we didn't forfeit any games. I stricken thee from the record any and all references to NCAA Probation. Done. Roll Bama.

I knight thee King Nick II

I'm the first to admit that I'm immortal. I will probably never leave the earth, and coach 'Bama football for the next 1,000 years - cause that's what Kings like Napoleon did. Still hard to believe France was ever in charge of anything. I'm pretty sure I could take some 'Bama Militia and own that place. Renaming the Eiffel Tower in my honor would be cool. Anyway, I digress.

Mal has some worries about my leaving before my contract is up. Mal, look at my history, and please tell me you're planning for this. Contract Boy sees this from a totally different perspective. He's getting something like 5% of $4m a year in management fees. I can't do that math in my head, but Contract Boy tells me that's about $1m a year. One of the reasons I love that guy so much is that he's so good with the numbers.

Anyway, it's the 21st century and stuff. And it seems like since I'm King, I should be able to clone myself. Come on, what's better than one King Nick? Bingo, two King Nicks. Rather than leaving Tuscaloosa when I decide to head to Lake Burton, I could just pull the Clone Boy out of the closet and put him on the sideline. Nobody would be the wiser. I'm King of the Football Universe, and such a genius too.

This seems like a win-win. I could leave immediately after the University renames the stadium in my honor for pulling this program out of the porta-potty Steak Boy left it in. Mal would have a plan for the next coach. King Saban II. Wow, I could save his ass for a second time. And Contract Boy doubles his fees to $3m a year. Roll Bama.

Let's look at the past. But quickly.

Yesterday afternoon I was in prime form. I spouted off some malarkey about us not being where we wanted to be yet. I think I could tell some of the reporters that the sky was purple and they'd believe me. Are we where we need to be to be the crap out of Western Carolina on Sept. 1? Of course. Are we ready to beat the next team on the schedule. Possibly, but let's take it one game at a time. It's hilarious, though. Every single reporter mentions in every practice article that practices are "closed to the public and the media." Fellas, this ain't about to change, so relax. I'm the King Football Coach, not Steak Boy. Kirk McNair said I "admonished reporters." Where do they get this stuff?

Mal told me I should take a little walk through the Bryant Museum to get a feel for the history here. Saban Museum I thought. Anyway, the first thing I did was take a look at the number of title's we've won. The best way I can figure is that it's somewhere between four and 13. We won the "Dunkel" title in 1934. Mal, what the hell is that? The "Houlgate" "Berryman?" Ok, Mal, this sounds like a bunch of baloney. I do see where my Spartans screwed the Tide in 1966 by not taking out Notre Dame. Bear called that one of his best teams ever.

Wow, Bear nearly took the Fish job in 1970. Just like me. We are god-like twins.

Let's see. Beat the yang out of Auburn for nine straight years. More national titles without the word "Dunkel" in them. Liberty Bowl. Perkinator. Bill Curry? What? They hired that ESPN blow hard to coach here after he sucked at Georgia Tech? They let a Tech boy coach here? Hell, they should have thrown a brick in the Athletic Director's Office.

Ahh, then Bebes. Love that guy. He's the one who told me I could have all kinds of stuff with my name on it if I came here and coached a while. At least for a couple of years. National title, again. NCAA probation. Retirement. Interesting turn of events.

Mike DuBose. Boy they sure do like coaches that suck named "Mike." Wow, even he won an SEC Championship. Had to love that look on Cockadoodle's face when he lost to 'Bama twice that year. Something about a secretary has been smeared out. Mal, what is this?

Aggie Boy. That guy talked funny. Did he talk right from his nose? Of course that was the last time before this year that 'Bama beat Auburn. Yikes. I bet the coaches have really turned over since then. Looks like he is having excellent luck at Texas A&M.

Mike Price. Record 0-0. Weird, somebody must have made a typo. His name is Mike so I'm sure he sucked. But given that every coach who comes through here is destined to win some games, maybe he went 10-0 or something. See where he is at that football power UTEP.

Mike Shula. Another Mike? Mal, were you here for all these crappy hires? How are you still working here? Oh yeah, I saved your ass myself. Steak Boy was pretty, but he couldn't coach worth a damn. Spent too much time at those blasted alumnoid functions. "Got Shula?" Oh my , you would think they could come up with something better than that. Of course Pappa Steak Boy seems to be losing it; he was more than a little upset when I quit his beloved Fish to take the job his son had just been canned from. I think Bear would have wanted it that way. He was a King just like me.

So much history, so little time. I wonder where they are going to build my wing to this puppy. Lord knows even one year of me will be better than some of these yahoos. Might be time to head over to the Cafe for breakfast. Roll Bama.

Don't writers usually kiss my butt?

Ok, it's been a pretty hectic day. Let me get right to it before heading over to The Globe for a beverage and some dinner. Don't worry, Mal has already given me the "don't be Mike Price" speech. Dude, my destiny is to win the title, not end up coaching at UTEP.

First, the scrimmage was a real fun time. While dreaming of renaming the field, we got some serious work done. John Wilson Parker had a fantastic afternoon. Jimmy had a few nice catches. And no, I'm not passing out a new version of the depth chart.

Then I had this article sent to me... Cary Estes, a "freelance" (read: unemployed) writer form Birmingham, put some crap online at MSNBC.com. Doesn't he understand this will forever keep him out of the press box at Bryant-Saban-Denny-Stadium?

Anyway, last January he writes eloquently about my being an SOB - true dat, I really can't argue with that notion. I'm definitely a son-of-a-bitch. Let me quote the young Estes from that article: "Enter Saban. The issue here is not with Saban’s record. He went 48-16 during five seasons at LSU, capturing two SEC crowns and the 2003 BCS national championship. Plus, he managed to beat Auburn twice." Not bad stuff, definitely butt-kissing material.

Then I get this article published today where he wonders why I get more press than anything not a deity in these parts. Something about my record not being worthy of the attention. Quoting Young Estes: "What is questionable is whether his record indicates that he is worth all the hoopla and the moolah ($32 million over eight years)." Cary, Gary, whatever, this is not exactly kissing my ass.

Hey Gary, which is it? Ohh, I see, you get to play both ways with the numbers depending on what you're writing. Here's a number for ya: zero. That's the number of interviews you'll get this year. And given the economic impact I've already had on this town, I'm more than worth $4m a year. That's why I'm the King. Gary, don't forget to get your "Sabanation" t-shirt, it's the closest you'll get to this Crimson royalty. Roll Bama.

Down on the sideline

I know you guys are just dying to know what's shaking down here on the sideline. Since I'm King, I closed all practices to the public. Can't have those spies from Jesterville or Pumpkinville spyin on my team. But it is my first scrimmage of the fall, so I'll give ya'll the scoop.

We've just unveiled the wishbone. Figured it worked for the Bear, so certainly it can work for me. Maybe we'll go to white shoes and white helmets too. Ha, gotcha. Those things are hideous. Can't believe the Perkinator even tried that stuff back in the 80s. Ranked right up there with his decision to pull down The Tower. I'd like to give him some cred, but he went on to coach the Tampa Bay Succaneers when they played in those butt-ugly uniforms. Even worse than my decision to coach the Fish. Anybody seen him lately?

Seriously, though, the move of Jimmy to fullback seems to be working nicely. That dude has great hands, and I don't know how anybody can bring him down when he hits the open field. Gosh I hope he's that good and our defense isn't that bad. Mr. BMOC better keep going to class if he wants to play.

Wow, this is like heaven. Saban Field at Bryant-Denny Stadium. I'm looking around the stadium right now where all my admirers will be come September 1. I didn't major in math, but that's only three weeks from today. I can't believe Steak Boy blew this gig. People buy me lunch, get my coffee, and generally kiss my butt. Of course that's the press, but the fans are pretty slick too. They send me all kinds of crap to sign - one guy even pulled the door off his motor home and FedExed it to campus for me to autograph. Signed, Sincerely Yours, King of the 'Bama nation, King Saban. Must be pretty drafty in his house right now.

Mal, it's damn hot out here. Tell Paul Jr. to get me some lemonade. Pronto. Roll Bama.

The Jester drops a letter

So as I was reading my fan mail this morning before we hit the field for a scrimmage, I came across this one from the Jester:

Dear Nick,

Can you please refer to me by name? The press has forgotten me, and I'm worried that so will the recruits. Next thing you know the AD and Prez will be getting tracked by their plane on their way to find a new coach.

Peace out, Tommy Tuberville

Ok, so Tubs, let's get one thing clear. I'm not "Nick." you'll address me as "King Saban." You can also call me "King Nicholas" if you like. But as long as I allow you to be in my state, you'll be the Jester. (I did notice your parents named you "Thomas Hawley Tuberville," so clearly I'm trying to help you out - did you parents not like you?)

I do have issue with something you said in the paper the other day. I think it was along the lines of "as good as we've been, we don't rebuild, we just transition." Are you kidding? Dude, you're Auburn. You guys have won one SEC Championship in the last five years. So have I, and I've been out of the league three years. In fact, I did some checkin. Auburn has only won one more SEC Championship than Georgia Tech ever, and those engineers haven't even been in the conference since Cokes were a nickel. "Transition." Ha. More like a transition to court jester now that I've arrived.

Tubs, don't worry about recruits forgetting who you are, it's already happened. I've got verbal commitments from about 200 athletes at this point. Mal says I'm not allowed to make "direct contact," so I'm learning this text message thing Nutt has gotten so good at. Perhaps you should be more concerned with helping your recruits learn their ABCs than with whether you've become "Mr. Irrelevant" in this state. Roll Bama.

Lincoln Financial? I don't think so

So Mal comes in my office this afternoon and says, "Hey, Lincoln Financial Sports wants us to play your first game at 11:30 am."

Lincoln financial what? 11:30? Mal, what are you drinking over there? I haven't even finished my coffee yet, much less am I ready to go kick Western's hind end with my back-ups that early in the morning. It seems LFS doesn't know KNS yet. That's King Nick Saban. If this were rock-paper-scissors, LFS would be paper and I would be a nuke.

Not only would our pre-game prep have to start at dawn, but so would the tailgating. That's a lot of drunk folks on campus very early in the morning. And doesn't Abe Financial get that it's my coming out party as King of Tuscaloosa and everything great about 'Bama football? Morons. They seem almost as dumb as the press who follows me.

"Mal, tell Lincoln Financial whatever that I am the King, and 'Bama doesn't play before high noon." Done. We'll be playing a pay-per-view gig later in the evening so all my adoring fans can enjoy the day in God's County.

Hope Lincoln Financial isn't part of this sub-prime housing mess. I'd hate to see Kentucky vs Eastern Kentucky not get to air that day. That's sure to be an amazing game. As long as you don't actually know what good football is. Time for a little dinner over near Lake Tuscaloosa. Roll Bama.

Friday afternoon on the Quad

Saban Chimes? Naa, that might be a bit much before next year. Mal says I should cool my jets. But my wife simply loves this place (except for that little kiss on the cheek when we landed last January). Apparently our phones have been ringing off the hook since I made my diary public. Mal says he might even get a computer for this.

Just took a walk across the Quad on the way back from lunch over at the Ferguson Center. Must have signed a thousand autographs. These kids love me. Yes, it's hotter than Tiger fat in a fryin pan, but what are ya gonna do about it? It seems the local press row - all hanging out in their air conditioned motor homes - are making quite a deal of my not having sympathy for my players in this heat.

This is The University of Alabama for cryin out loud. Doesn't everybody realize what a crappy record this school had last year? Not that Steak Boy left me tons of talent, but even Bill Curry and Mike DuBose won SEC Championships here. If we were Ole Miss or Vandy or Auburn or somethin I could understand the belly aching to just call it a day, but we're gunning for a championship. I'm the King making $4m a year, and I make it so.

I see the press over there all cozy. I'd love to see Paul Finebaum and Cecil Hurt do a 50-yard dash for my next sizzling quote. I wonder if either of them could make it. Maybe one of those ESPN blowhards would like to jump in there too. Corso? Ha. First one to midfield gets the next interview. Roll Bama.

Thursday Practice Update

Ok, Mal says I have to give these fricken practice updates daily. Like every day. I wonder, how much does the press actually think things change from day to day. They eat this stuff up - I sometimes put strange colored jerseys on kids just to get a rise out of reporters. "It's the new Saban System," they sometimes murmur. I can't believe how gullible they are.

Anyway, here's the update for yesterday. My boys practiced twice. It was hotter than holy hell. No, we haven't decided on a starting running back. Heck, we haven't decided on squat. Right now, we're just running around in shorts trying to get in better shape so we don't wilt in November. This massive heat wave is great for team building. Roll Bama. The King needs some shade.

Top of the morning to ya

One of the first things I do each morning while I'm drinking my Saban Moca (yep, Mal got the local Starbucks to get me my own coffee brand) is read some of the articles from the boneheads in the press. I must say, I really spout off some memorable quotes. Like this one, "We have an opponent in this state that we work every day, 365 days a year to dominate."

I don't know if ya'll have noticed, but I got kids lining up to get in the door at this place. We are literally running circles around that crew down at Auburn. We must have about 40 verbal commitments already. Tommy what's-his-name has got to be feeling like he really missed a chance over the last five years. I know he has one for the thumb, but I don't think anybody outside Auburn remembers or even cares since the King showed up. And besides, I have the finger.

And speaking of Kings, ESPN has a great article on the hierarchy of college football teams. Guess what? Alabama is in the "King" category. Without a doubt the ESPN blowhards would have put us in the court jester category just a year ago. But that was KS-1. The year before King Saban arrived.

My crystal ball

Mal says I should at least take a look at the schedule to see who we’re playing this year. I keep telling him it’s about process, not destination. When I realized he had us going to flippin Florida for a game to see some of my old press friends, I thought I should review the whole schedule to make sure I will let my team play the games. Cause I reminded Mal that I’m now in charge, not Paul Jr or the BOT. Or Mal for that matter. Let’s see what we got here.

Sept. 1 Western Carolina (Tuscaloosa)
I give this game 5 stars. Sure to be an ESPN Classic. It’s my first game as King of Tuscaloosa. I hope they put the score on one of those Golden Flake potato chip cans like the Bear had. I may let my boys run up the score for some good pub. ‘Bama 52 WCU 0

Sept. 8 Vanderbilt (Nashville)
Vandy? Are you kidding? When are we going to drop this ship from the conference? ‘Bama 31 Vandy 3

Sept. 15 Arkansas (Tuscaloosa)
I wonder if Houston Nutt will quit texting long enough to coach this game. ‘Bama 20, Ark 10

Sept. 22 Georgia (Tuscaloosa)
The Dawwwwgs come to T-town. Seems like another opportunity for me to get on TV about a million times. ‘Bama 17 UGA 16

Sept. 29 Florida State (Jacksonville, FL)
Exactly how old is Bowden? This is a great “break-out” game for my program. National TV, Florida sunshine, and whoopin a former great coach. Bobby, take a breather. Fans, take something to drink. I could use some extra tickets for my well-wishers that already live in South Florida. Maybe they’ll come watch to see what a championship team actually looks like. ‘Bama 27 FSU 20

Oct. 6 Houston (Tuscaloosa)
Houston, you have a problem. You suck, and I am king of the greatest tradition in the history of sport. ‘Bama 77 Houston 11

Oct. 13 Ole Miss (Oxford, MS)
I think they have a grove or something. But I don’t think they have a QB, or a decent coach. He’s definitely no rock star. ‘Bama 22 Ole Miss 6

Oct. 20 Tennessee (Tuscaloosa)
I’m not too worried about this one. By October 20, UT will have more kids in jail than on the field. Not only that, but I hear ‘Bama people hate Phil more than satan himself. ‘Bama 24 UT 20

Nov. 3 LSU (Tuscaloosa)
Les, who’s your daddy? Seriously, you drop the f-bomb on me after what I did for you? This might get hyped as the game of the century. I’m thinking of coming out a la Joe Namath with one of those fur coats on. Panty hose though? Nope, that’s for Les. ‘Bama 9 LSU 7

Nov. 10 Miss. State (Starkville, MS)
Poor Sly. He seems like a nice guy. First, Mike Shula takes his name off the practice trophy. Then he puts it back. Sly beats ‘Bama, cause Shula has a name but no game. Then Steak Boy gets fired. Uh oh, the King is now in town. Doesn’t look good dude. ‘Bama 34 MSU 7

Nov. 17 Louisiana-Monroe (Tuscaloosa)
I didn’t know Mal wanted us to have two spring scrimmages. ‘Bama 96 ULM 0

Nov. 24 Auburn (Auburn)
Ok, if I am the King, then Tubby must be the court jester. I’ve been here, what, 6 months and I already have pushed him well off the front page. Just ask Paul Finebaum, it’s all he can talk about. I’m not gonna lie, this might be a tough game. ‘Bama 63 AU 9

So it looks like we’re going undefeated in the regular season. I will be the toast of the town… again. Mal, when do I get my street? I think it’s in my contract.Over and out.

Here's a wild thought

Saban Field at Bryant-Denny Stadium. That would be cool. I wonder if Mal could make that happen before the first game. He did manage to get me on the front and back of the media guide, not to mention devoting chapters to the 92,000 who showed up at the spring scrimmage, I mean game. This job is great. We haven't even lined up for the first game, and it's like I am King. Welcome to Tuscaloosa, my kingdom.

Somebody tell Paul Jr. to get me some Gatorade or something, it's hot as hell out here. And if he could get the product renamed to Sabanade, that would be fantastic. I don't want anything related to Gators or Tigers near my boys.

Cecil, you'd didn't write any nice columns this morning. Don't make me have to read Finebaum for my entertainment. That dude is weird.

Glancing Around the League

While my boys are getting some water to keep from passing out during this heat, I thought I'd take a glance around the league at my competition.

You've truly got to hand it to Steve Spurrier. He turns down the chance to have street signs with his name on them in Tuscaloosa so he can stay in Cockadoodleville, South Carolina. I read where ol' Steve is upset because the South Carolina board of admission won't lower their standards so a couple of his 5-star recruits can get into school. Steve, two things: one, if they can't spell their own name, you probably shouldn't sign them. And two, if you want to sign them, you would have been better off just about anywhere where they have actually won championships. Some of these places are pretty hell bent on academics.

I'm glad to hear things are going great in Knoxville. Another player was busted this week for "violating the school's substance abuse policy." But did he inhale? Anybody get the feelin Pumpkin Boy is on the hot seat up there in Knoxville?

And down on the farm in Auburn, I see they are losing players left and write. I would say "right,", but I'm wondering if some of those new recruits even know the difference. Sounds like a whole bunch of 'em are not making grades to even enroll. Who is that coach down there? Seems like the press in this state never even mentions it anymore.

Ok, back to the practice field. Roll Bama.

From the practice field

I'm tryin to do some posting from the practice facility with my new phone. Damnit, I cannot type on these tiny keys. Before I throw the vest, will someone please call Houston Nutt and ask him how he does this so much?

Let's turn up the heat

Folks, we started two-a-days. This morning when we hit the field it was already hot enough to fry some Tiger meat on the pavement. My boys sure are working hard. None of them puked this morning, so they are getting in better shape. We'll see how they perform this afternoon when the temperature hits 100 degrees.

By the way, I still wear the vest in this heat. Makes me feel in control.

Threw everybody a bone with a depth chart. Mal says I need to do this to keep the fan base energized. Decided I would play with their minds and talk about the old 49ers and Jimmy Johns at fullback. I'm not sure Jimmy will hit the field this fall, but it sure made for some good fodder at the local barber shop.

Got a kick out of reading Cecil Hurt's article at the Tuscaloosa News this morning. Doesn't he get that I don't like the press - especially brown nosers? He really laid it on thick in his morning column. Talked about the enjoyable aspects to covering the "rapid-fire workings of the Saban mind." Did you get that out of a romance novel? What the heck. I just talk, and these guys lap it up like cats over milk. Cecil, buddy, we're never gonna be friends, so stop trying so hard. You'll not get the scoop ahead of anybody else.

I wasn't gonna do this

Ok, I have to be self-indulgent. I never do this. But do you have the feeling I'm the next Elvis? Heck, I couldn't believe the reception I got when I landed in Tuscaloosa back in January. Got a kiss from some little miss hottie in a 'Bama jersey. I wonder why she hasn't called?

Then there was the spring football scrimmage. Wait, Mal says call it a game. I'll be dang if 92,000 people didn't show up for that thing. I don't think we drew that many folks in a season at Toledo.

So I went away, and tried to do some nice guy interviews to cool down the jets of the press. Mal made me. Well, "made' would be a strong word since I run this place now. He kindly suggested it while signing my $32 million contract. But I did fix it for the future, cause I limited the number of times I will do those fru-fru alumnoid functions in my contract. Damnit, I'm a football coach.

Well, those nice-guy interviews must have worked. When I arrived at SEC media days, I was like a rock star. Hell, the Beatles and Elvis ain't got nothin on me in this state. They are so starved for a winner here. Anyway, I was definitely the bell of the ball. I had the national media dudes eating out of my hands. Even the ones who keep sayin I lied to them when I left Miami. Morons.

Welcome me to the Net

My life is simply fantastic. It's not like I'm braggin or anything, but come on. I just got handed $32m over eight years to coach football. Is this a great country or what? Aside from getting out of that stupid pro game, I was even able to get under the skin of NCAA Prez Miles Brand who thought I might be getting paid a little too much dinero. Apparently ol' Miles doesn't look at the income statement of participating universities when it comes to Bowls and March Madness. I'm a bargain.

Speaking of Miles, does anybody know why Les Miles is so ticked off at LSU? Damn, I left him a cupboard full of talent and no NCAA snoopers in the house. No need to drop the F-bomb on me Les. Perhaps you're feeling a bit insecure?

Attention media outlets: I really am a nice guy. Stop going through my trash for clues. I'm not leaving here ever, or at least not for 18 months or so.

Anyway, I digress. It's hotter than hell out here on the practice field. My guys are on the edge of puking. But this will all pay off down the road. Like I said at my press conference when I was hired, I want every team to simply hate lining up against the University of Alabama.