Friday, August 15, 2008

Check it out - I'm even a celebrity in Business

It's wonderful being the King.

Hot damn, check this out from Forbes. Finally, somebody has some common sense relative to the value I'm creating for the University of Alabama brand. Dude, I may well be the brand. This is not a cost equation for the University, 
it's a freakin money generation machine coming from me, myself, and I. The University's football program had $32m in profit last year (even after paying me). I'm not just a coach. I'm the CEO.

Let's think back.. 92,000 show up for practice last year. 72,000 show up this year. Neutral site games in Jacksonville and Atlanta. The greatest recruiting class in the history of sport. Don't get me wrong, I loved the circus clowns that ran the 'Bama football program the decade before me, but they didn't exactly leave the cupboard full on any level. Hell, I haven't even been here two years yet, and my claim to greatness here is unquestionable. Bryant Denny Saban Stadium. I like it.

One of my favorite quotes in the article is some crap about how I was given control of everything. Yeah, right. If Mal wanted me to step foot on campus and save his ass from getting shitcanned, I told him he'd have to give me the keys. To everything. Then I said I want $32m. And he did. Then I said I would think about it. Should have seen the dude sweat.

Cajun Potty Mouth and Jester "I have a new offensive genius" Tuberville must truly be scratching their gazongas this morning. The 'Bama juggernaut is already headed towards championships, and we get free press in Forbes. Not just in Forbes, but the damn cover. Wonder how much that ad would have cost us?

Roll Bama. 

King Nick.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

It's time: The Process, Take Two

Folks, I can't believe it's been a year since I kept you abreast of the comings and goings of King Nick. I'm not going to sugar coat this crap - that slide to end 2007 totally sucked. So I hunkered down, and went and wrangled the best recruiting class in history. Most of them will probably play this year.

For all the emails I've gotten since January asking if I'm the "real" Nick Saban. Of course, why else would I be here? I hope all of you have received the autographed footballs I sent.

There have been a number of "football guys" prognosticate that we'll finish third in our division. It's the same bunch of yahoos who pick Florida to win the East, but Georgia to win the national championship. Dumbasses. Seems like I should weigh in here to help you guys out.

First of all, anybody who thinks "this is Clemson's year" has obviously been in a whole for 15 years. If I had a nickel every time I heard that I'd be rich. Glad we'll be able to put that notion to rest on August 30. No reason to make the Clemson fans carry-on delusional for too long. It just ain't good for anybody.

The Jester: dude, WTF? They have a new offensive "genius," and nobody on their team that has actually run that very potent offense from Troy somethin State. Top 10? Somebody is smokin somethin good, and I wish they would share it.

Phat Phil: all the bitchen about the subpoena. Dude, folks down here still think the Civil War is in progress - you think a bunch of our alumni who feel totally butt-you-know-what are going to just let this slide? You must be jokin. Pretty cool they took my recommendation on timing.

Lestor Miles: ok, the comment about all the schools from Lousiana beating 'Bama. Gotta say, I admire your bravado. But I can't tell you what an idiot you were for not taking the Michigan job. After a couple of crappy seasons with your own jail-house recruits, you'll be run out on a rail.

Mr Petrino: knew you'd see the light - just didn't think you'd run out of Atlanta like somebody escapeing a crime scene. Wait, that actually makes sense. Welcome home. Looking forward to the Fayatteville ass kicking.

UGA: not exactly a #1 team. Will probably lose a couple before October.

Croom: you're pretty nice. And it will be nice to see State slip back to 4-7 in this version of the Croom Era. Wonder if you get a trophy for that.

Nuttmeister: Ole Miss sucks. Always has, always will.

That's a pretty good intro to get us back on track. They are working on my statue for the area outside of Bryant Denny Saban Stadium - need to go supervise.

Roll Bama.

King Nick

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Latest LSU Fan Gear

Apparently, Lester would like the fan base in Cajun Country to dress like some of his players. Check out this pict sent to us from Holly in Baton Rouge. Team colors and everything.
Roll Bama.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Wow, I can't believe it

As we head to Saban Bowl I, all I've heard is how pissed off the "LSU Nation" is at me for coming back to college football. Maybe it's just a bunch of bullcrap from the media. I mean, come on, they never mislead their readership with an exaggeration of the facts, do they? Well, Mal says I'm liked by everybody. And I guess this means LSU Nation. Check out this shot from Debra in Tuscaloosa - looks like they miss me.
Roll Bama.

It's my birthday; my gift to Les Miles

You know, somebody told me that Lester was feeling a little blue at all the attention I'm getting leading up to this game. After all, his birthday is in a couple of weeks. I decided that I should honor this where all good things come together in the Universe. Kinda like Crimson Carma.

So I sent him this autographed picture. More importantly, I left him a little note that you can't read on the image here. But it says, "Dear Lester, Best Wishes. Maybe you'll experience the feeling of this photograph at your next coaching job. Yours Truly, King Nick."

Roll Bama.

It's my Birthday Today. And Halloween. Scary stuff.

This has been a great year for the King, no doubt. Today I'm turning 56, so don't forget to send cards and letters. No gifts are required. Mal game me four million of those a year last January, and frankly, just having to watch Les Miles squirm on the sideline of Saban Field at Bryant Denny Stadium this weekend is gift enough.

Saban Bowl I Mania heats up

Folks, it's almost that time. While drinking my Sabamoca this morning, I decided to take the New York Times back to the throne for a sit-down. There it is - front page of the sports section, yet another story on the insecurity of the LSU coach and fan base. I know I'm the King, but this is even a little bit bigger than the Tuscaloosa News.

This quote from LSU fan Linda Hendricks caught my eye: “He could have been governor. He could have been president. Now he’s a traitor. He’s not even sexy anymore.”

Uh, Linda, if you have deep enough pockets in the state of Louisiana, you can be anything you want. Last I saw, most of it is like Lester's house is gonna be in a month or so: for sale. And Linda, you know I'm sexy.

These poor LSU fans, I just don't get it. They were losers before I got there. I brought them a championship, and unbelievable athletes. They can't even enjoy all the winning while they have it. Before long, 'Bama will rule the SEC West again, and LSU championships will be nothin but a memory.

Roll Bama.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Textbooks? Who needs 'em

So I guess by now you've heard: my boys are so interested in class that they were caught with extra textbooks. Hey, they are just trying to quench their thirst for knowledge. Reminds me of an email I received last week from Bobbie Jane in Andalusia. I'm not suggesting that all 'Bama fans can't spell, I'm just sayin.... these dudes can come party at my house any time.

Mal says I'll probably get a letter from our Director of Media Relations for this, but after beating the Hell out of Pumpkin Boy, he doesn't seem to care what I do. Benefits of being the King.

Roll Bama.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Some Cajun Hunting

Much love to Cindy Lou from Baton Rouge for this shot. I feel like there is much to say about this photo, but I'm guessin the picture says it all.

By the way, did ya'll hear that comment I made about the upcoming game "being all about the players" and not about the coaches at all? Ok, that is crap. I wanted to say the right thing. Mal said I should. But truthfully, for my own self gratification, I hope we kick LSU's ass. How great would it be to take LSU players and beat 'Bama 3 years ago, then turn around and beat those LSU players with my 'Bama kids on November 3? Says something about my great coaching.

I hope Les Miles goes for about 8 first downs on fourth down in a couple of weeks.

Roll Bama.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I'm calling it Saban Bowl

It's true, I am the King, but I had no idea how good it felt to beat the Pumpkin Boy from Saban Field at Bryant Denny. Holy crap, that was such a beating that it was as if Bear Bryant himself was on the sideline. Except he wasn't. I was. The King.

Of course I had my boys ready to play. For starters, I was tired of hearing that bullcrap all week out of Ole Miss about that replay. The guy was out of bounds, and you suck, ok? You are Ole Miss. Understand your place in the Kingdom.

Second, it was Tennessee. We all know how Pumpkin shredded this program with the NCAA (thus creating my throne for me down the road). His miscalculation was that a coach worth a damn would be worthy enough to win and clean up the mess he helped create. I'm convinced the orange porker was behind this textbook mess last week right before game time.

In case you haven't noticed, we're #1 in the SEC West and play Lester's bunch in two weeks here in T-town. It's very confusing: all these folks in Louisiana have these anti-Saban t-shirts. Don't they remember I actually won a national title there? Coach Cajun Potty Mouth truly has no brains, and will surely screw this season up for the state of Louisiana. Come on, that touchdown pass in the waning seconds against Auburn wasn't brave, it was stupid. All he needed was a field goal. And if his boy had bobbled it, Auburn wins, and the LSU Chancellor sticks a "for sale" sign in Lester's front yard.

Ok, enough about all that. We have a big game in two weeks. I'm calling it Saban Bowl. Yeah, that's right. Kinda like Super Bowl, only bigger. None of the Lincoln Abe Financial crap for a start time either. 5pm in the afternoon, so plenty of time for all of you to get tanked up before game time.

Sabamania. Saban Bowl. Beating LSU. It's that happy Carma where all good things in life come together at once. Lester Miles, SIUYA.

Roll Bama.