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Apparently, Lester would like the fan base in Cajun Country to dress like some of his players. Check out this pict sent to us from Holly in Baton Rouge. Team colors and everything.
Roll Bama.

It's my birthday; my gift to Les Miles

You know, somebody told me that Lester was feeling a little blue at all the attention I'm getting leading up to this game. After all, his birthday is in a couple of weeks. I decided that I should honor this where all good things come together in the Universe. Kinda like Crimson Carma.

So I sent him this autographed picture. More importantly, I left him a little note that you can't read on the image here. But it says, "Dear Lester, Best Wishes. Maybe you'll experience the feeling of this photograph at your next coaching job. Yours Truly, King Nick."

Roll Bama.

It's my Birthday Today. And Halloween. Scary stuff.

This has been a great year for the King, no doubt. Today I'm turning 56, so don't forget to send cards and letters. No gifts are required. Mal game me four million of those a year last January, and frankly, just having to watch Les Miles squirm on the sideline of Saban Field at Bryant Denny Stadium this weekend is gift enough.

Saban Bowl I Mania heats up

Folks, it's almost that time. While drinking my Sabamoca this morning, I decided to take the New York Times back to the throne for a sit-down. There it is - front page of the sports section, yet another story on the insecurity of the LSU coach and fan base. I know I'm the King, but this is even a little bit bigger than the Tuscaloosa News.

This quote from LSU fan Linda Hendricks caught my eye: “He could have been governor. He could have been president. Now he’s a traitor. He’s not even sexy anymore.”

Uh, Linda, if you have deep enough pockets in the state of Louisiana, you can be anything you want. Last I saw, most of it is like Lester's house is gonna be in a month or so: for sale. And Linda, you know I'm sexy.

These poor LSU fans, I just don't get it. They were losers before I got there. I brought them a championship, and unbelievable athletes. They can't even enjoy all the winning while they have it. Before long, 'Bama will rule the SEC West again, and LSU championships will be nothin but a memory.

Roll Bama.

I'm calling it Saban Bowl

It's true, I am the King, but I had no idea how good it felt to beat the Pumpkin Boy from Saban Field at Bryant Denny. Holy crap, that was such a beating that it was as if Bear Bryant himself was on the sideline. Except he wasn't. I was. The King.

Of course I had my boys ready to play. For starters, I was tired of hearing that bullcrap all week out of Ole Miss about that replay. The guy was out of bounds, and you suck, ok? You are Ole Miss. Understand your place in the Kingdom.

Second, it was Tennessee. We all know how Pumpkin shredded this program with the NCAA (thus creating my throne for me down the road). His miscalculation was that a coach worth a damn would be worthy enough to win and clean up the mess he helped create. I'm convinced the orange porker was behind this textbook mess last week right before game time.

In case you haven't noticed, we're #1 in the SEC West and play Lester's bunch in two weeks here in T-town. It's very confusing: all these folks in Louisiana have these anti-Saban t-shirts. Don't they remember I actually won a national title there? Coach Cajun Potty Mouth truly has no brains, and will surely screw this season up for the state of Louisiana. Come on, that touchdown pass in the waning seconds against Auburn wasn't brave, it was stupid. All he needed was a field goal. And if his boy had bobbled it, Auburn wins, and the LSU Chancellor sticks a "for sale" sign in Lester's front yard.

Ok, enough about all that. We have a big game in two weeks. I'm calling it Saban Bowl. Yeah, that's right. Kinda like Super Bowl, only bigger. None of the Lincoln Abe Financial crap for a start time either. 5pm in the afternoon, so plenty of time for all of you to get tanked up before game time.

Sabamania. Saban Bowl. Beating LSU. It's that happy Carma where all good things in life come together at once. Lester Miles, SIUYA.

Roll Bama.

Welcome me back King Saban

Yes, it's been a few weeks and another loss since we last got together. Truth is, I've been busy planning for the second half of the season with little time for fanfare. And, of course, losin kinda sucks. I keep telling the media freps to lay off, but they insist on stirring up controversy down here. In the meantime, thanks for all the emails.

I think our boys are making some nice strides. We don't know how to play 60 minutes yet, but I expect that to improve as the season ebbs on.

On a lighter note, did ya'll see ol Lester yesterday? Dude lost to Kentucky. A team that wears all blue uniforms. LSU gets to #1 for exactly one week for the first time since Moses walked the earth before Coach Cajun Potty Mouth squirrels away a two-touchdown lead at Kentucky in the fourth quarter. Those media guys were all about "Saban who" after their "big" win over Florida. Funny, they can't go a week down there without talking about what a great job I did while I was coaching there. I don't think LSU lost to Kentucky while I was there.

Wonder what bowl LSU is headed to after they finish third in the SEC West? Music City? I'm guessin LSU Alums already have the jet fueled up for Lester's moved to Ann Arbor.

It's Pumpkin week. Nope, not Halloween. It's Fulmer in Tuscaloosa. Let the Sabanoia begin. Lincoln Abe Financial, start kissing my butt if you want an interview. Can't believe those freps at CBS chose Kentucky vs Florida over the Third Saturday in October. Morons. Don't they know we keep our fans glued to their seats until the buzzer every single week?

Auburn, LSU, and Tennessee. And CBS. SIUYA.

Roll Bama.

Dear Abby Tuesday

The weekend was extremely busy. Did you see that ass-kicking in Nashville? I told you it wouldn't be close. This team will really be on the move the next month. JPW is having trouble finding receivers, but Terry Grant is the real deal. So anyway, I get in this morning, and have three urgent emails:

To: Sabanator@gmail.com
From: Tommy Tuberville
Date: 9/9/2007 12:45 am

Dear Nick-

My team is pathetic. We somehow managed to get into overtime with South Florida, only to blow it. Of course I know that the game should have never gotten to overtime, that South Florida coach needs a kicker. I think I'm screwed. What do I do?

Yours,
Tommy T.

Jester, you are totally screwed. I'm signing all the top players in the state, and my team actually looks like it knows what it's doing. South Florida may need a kicker, but you need a QB. And an offensive line. And some defense. Dude, you should probably put some feelers out for that Arkansas job, as old Houston is gonna be singing your sad tune this time next week. I'm happy to help you network, or you can just send Houston a text message if you want.

Out. King Nick.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
To: Sabanator@gmail.com
From: Les Miles
Date: 9/8/2007 11:00 pm

Dear Nick-

I can't stand myself right now. My team is pretty great, but all I can think about is the job in Ann Arbor. What next?

Yours,
Les Miles

Lester, you're in a no-win situation. The press hounds can sniff this a mile away. My advice is to bail on LSU mid-season and jump to the Michigan job. Otherwise, the press will think you're a liar.

Up yours. King Nick.

I love these emails and letters. I see one on my desk from the head Cockadoodle and Jail House Richt. I'll get to those later.

Roll Bama.

Game Day: Vanderbilt

Well, it's Friday afternoon. I hope you're getting ready to clock out for the day and enjoy a cold one. I know I am. Just as soon as Paul Jr. gets it. Mal says I really should cool my jets over being in charge, but I just can't help it.

Ahh, Vanderbilt. It's alway fun to go to the Music City USA. Former home of Opryland and the like. So let me break down how the day will go.

The game is getting broadcast by Abe Financial, so we have a blasted 11:30 am kick-off. They don't have an AD at Vandy, so the school just does what it's told by the league office. Anyway, 11:30 am is damn early for a football game. I will make my troops get up at 5:30 am for a jog through downtown Nashville. We'll run to the outskirt of town where all the 'Bama RVs are and back.

At 8:00 am, we'll have breakfast. I'm not talking about the stupid "continental" breakfast of a banana and juice either. I'm talking all the fixuns. Pancakes cooked by yours truly, eggs, bacon, sausage, and maybe some fried chicken. Johns gets two of everything since he's the fullback. Grant gets a muffin.

At 9:30 am, we enter the stadium dressed in our suits. The ovation will be unbelievable. There will even be cheers for some of my troops.

At 11:30 am, we burst on the TV seen in front of the "partisan" crowd. That's what the TV dudes will say .Yeah, whatever. Partisan would mean there are some Vandy fans even there. I'm expecting 45,000 Bama fans.

"Vandy always plays 'Bama tough" is all I've heard this week. Bullcrap. This ain't the Steak Boy regime. By halftime we'll be up 17 - 0. I tell JPW that on the next TD, he gets a break. Sure enough, we'll be up 24-0 seven minutes into the third quarter. Reserves come in, mop up, and we glide to a 31-10 victory. My first SEC victory as King of the Crimson Tide. It's very very good times.

I'll then go catch some games on the tube. Lester and Jester have tough ones this week. I wonder if either will be coaching in the SEC next year since I'm the King. Roll Bama.

Coaches Corner: Letter from Lester

I cannot get enough of being King of Tuscaloosa. After Saturday night, you would think we had won the national championship. Folks, it's all about process. And looking sharp doing it. Anywho, I found this letter in my in-box this morning. I think we'll start a new feature called "Coaches Corner" cause I get email from coaches every week looking to be as Kingly as myself. On to this week's segment:

Dear King Nicholas-

First, congrats on the big win. It looked more like a coronation than a football game.

As you know, I've been under a lot of pressure coaching your players after you won a national title and left town. I know, I could have had the 'Bama job before you, but that place was a mess back then. I've been popping Rolaids like candy just trying to get through this year - first, I took a swipe at Pete Carroll for the Pathetic -10 schedule, then Cal whips Tennessee. Next I told a bunch of people to F--- Bama cause you coach there now and I feel the heat. This week we have Virginia Tech - but what's really on my mind is that Michigan job. Lloyd Carr is toast after letting App State shock the world. I played at Michigan, and met my wife there, and want to get the hell out of your neck of the woods (at least until you take the Notre Dame job). How do I act like I'm not thinking about that job, yet secure a long term deal for $33 million?

Sincerely,
Your Friend in Coaching,
Les Miles

So this is like Dear Abby, only with people who aren't losers. Ok, that's not true entirely, I just got this note from Lester. So, here's my reply.

To: Les Miles
Bcc: LSU Alumni Groups, LSU President, LSU AD

Dear Lester,

First, thanks for at least recognizing I'm in control. Yes, it was a coronation fit for a King Saban. And F-You too. I'm not your damn friend in coaching, but I think I can help you here. Been there, done that.

Lester, you should start telling people you plain want the Michigan job. Now. Why wait? I mean, tell everybody. The press, your boss, the recruits, your wife, your dog. I know you have a big game this weekend, but the press already thinks you're negotiating anyway. Bastards. So tell them all you want the Michigan job more than anything, cause you "want to go home." The press will eat that alumni-I love Michigan-crap right up. Just make sure Michigan wants you, or the LSU folks will run you out of Baton Rouge before Halloween. Come to think of it, they may do that anyway. It will be like I told them of this letter, but didn't. Go get a U-Haul. Now.

Kingly Yours,
Nick Saban

Roll Bama.

Baby Picture of Lester

This picture landed on my desk this morning. The envelope simply said "King Nick."

I thought it was a relative, then I realized who this reminds me of: Lester Miles. Somebody get that dude a pacifier before he yacks on all of us.

Roll Bama.

Busy Busy Busy Week

Wow, it's the moment we've all waited for. The King's official coming out party in Tuscaloosa. This week is special in so many ways, but it's truly been exhausting.

On Monday, I did my first Game Week press conference for the press dudes. They were eatin my words up quicker than a wiener dog on kibbles and bits. I threw out a depth chart - funny, it got met with all kinds of comments from the press like "no surprise here," etc. Those guys are so full of it. I totally treated them like mushrooms all fall camp - kept them in the dark and fed them crap. It's just another form of Crimson Carma. I've been on fire since SI hit the news stands.

Unfortunately I had to suspend a couple of players. Thought I should get that out of the way. Folks, we're playing Western Carosomebody this weekend. My grandmother could suit up and outrun the Catamarans. We'll be fine. I'm predicting a large margin of victory for the ESPN Gameplan audience. Anywho, I'll give a more detailed breakdown of the game later this week.

I also have to admit I've been a bit naughty. But Lester is so much fun to screw with that I couldn't help it. Ok, don't tell him, but this is what I did. I spent the weekend over in Starkville with Sly Croom. I figure that guy really deserves a break. You could argue that he got one when he beat Steak Boy in T-town last November, but my arrival has made that pretty meaningless.

So I don't know if you've heard, but Sly's Bulldogs are playing LSU at home on that truly awesomely terrible sports journalism network - ESPN, on Thursday night.

After I wrapped up game planning for Western Carowhoever in late July, I started working with Sly's staff on the side. Needless to say, we've put in a number of special wrinkles for the LSU game. Holy crap, I'd love to see Lester drop about 15 F-Bombs late in the 4th quarter Thursday night, down by about three touchdowns.

I just sent Paul Jr. out to the 7-Eleven for some water. I think he can handle the task. He's almost come to realize that I don't work for him, so we've made some great strides already this fall.

Roll Bama.

Crimson Karma vs Crimson Carma

It's less than a week before kick-off, and a sense of peace has come across me. It really got me to thinking about the Universe, and my place in it.

My wife Terry started this cool thing called Crimson Karma this fall at the University. It's all about doing nice things and having it come back to you in some fashion. Clearly she is much nicer than me. It's very very cool. I decided that I wanted to talk about Karma myself.

First, the name. I need to distinguish this. So I'm calling this "Crimson Carma." See, I changed the "K" to a "C." I'm so clever since that cover of SI. So what is Crimson Carma?

Crimson Carma by The King
It's knowing I am the King and that the conference is already shaking
It's knowing we're better than people think already
It's knowing 92,000 care so much that they show up for a meaningless scrimmage
It's knowing that nobody cares the cow college has one for the thumb
It's knowing Lester is so distracted his Tigers are about to screw it up in September
It's knowing the national press is now eating out of my hands
It's knowing the question isn't "if" but "when" are we going to win the next championship
It's knowing we won three or four national titles but we get to call it twelve
It's knowing Pumpkin Boy is feeling pressure before we even hit the field
It's knowing Cockadoodle is ticked off at the USC administration
It's knowing that JoPa is now using a playstation for practice. And laughing.
It's knowing my name will adorn one of these street signs
It's knowing we're not distracted by text messages or "substance" policies
and, most importantly,
It's knowing that Auburn has now become an afterthought in this state

Peace out. Time for some yoga. Roll Bama.

Lester, Meet Jester. Your Evil Twin

Much Bama love to Cindy in Birmingham for this picture. I'm the King, so I'm calling this Caption Capstone Friday. See, I make up a caption, and you can either comment or leave the King email on what you'd write here. Here goes:

I wonder what's really happening here? Looks like Jester zapped Lester with one of those trick hand buzzers, causing Lester's hair to stand right up. Either that, or somebody passed gas.

I would sure check my pockets for a missing wallet if I walked away from this conversation.

Roll Bama.

Some email from Dothan

The fan mail has been pouring in at an expected rate. Some dude from Dothan even sent the following written on a roll of toilet paper (pretty handy given where I sit to read all this stuff): "Your Exalted Majesty, Great King of Alabama, King of Kings, King of the Conferences; Master of Auburn, LSU, Tennessee, Florida, Arkansas, South Carolina, Kentucky, and Mississippi, and the nations of the PAC 10; Ruler of Michigan, Sparta and Troy; Sovereign Lord of CBS, ESPN and the entire blogosphere from the rising to the setting sun, His Most Exalted, Invincible, Incorruptible, Blessed of God, and Omnipotence among mortals"

I don't know what all that means, but it sounds like I'm in charge. Dothanite, go forth and conquer. P.S., the paper wasn't as soft as I'm used to. Send Charmin next time. With Lester's picture on it, since he poops out the mouth. Roll Bama.

I'm on the Peace-out Tour

Much as been made recently of the attempts to "better my image." It's such a load of crap. Mal says I should be nice. But actually, I think being a bigger-than-life horse's ass is the way to go - isn't that what Bear did? I mean, come on, I'm not smoking or drinking bourbon. Much.

Anywho, as part of my tour, I did a sleep-in nakedness with the press and some of my colleagues last week. I call this photo, "King Saban, ruler of all things." Pretty catchy. If you look closely, to the left, you can see me right next to the Jester. Well, not to close, if you get my meanin. That dude smells funny.

It was really a special moment. Me, Jester, Cecil Hurt, and Ivan Maisel. Lester wanted to go, but I told him he'd have to wait for the next global calamity before I let that happen. Mal asked to join too, but yikes, there's only so much nakedness one can endure. You know, I just couldn't help it. Right after this shot, I put on my straw hat and ran across the meadow yelling, "I'm King of the World."

Roll Bama.

Fanmail from Bayou Country

I'm the King, and it's really showing this morning in my mailbox. It seems that my little meeting with Lester yesterday certainly stirred up the folks in Bayou Country.

Dear King. F You. Yours Truly, L. Miles - Baton Rouge, LA
Lester, I told you to sit down. You really should take an anger management class. I do yoga and mediation. In your case, you might want to add some meds on top of it.

Dear Mr. Saban. If we offer you $5m, will you bolt Bama and come back to LSU? The U-Haul truck is already at Les' house. Your old buddy, The LSU Athletic Director - Baton Rouge, LA
We're not buddies anymore. And I never really liked crawfish.

Dear Sir Nick King or whatever. Who gives a shit. Let's just get drunk and watch football. Yours truly, Jo Bob Harrison - Metairie, LA
Ok, this is the kind of fan I'm used to down there. Same number of names as teeth in their mouths: three. They are like Cubs fans really. Whether their football team is worth a damn or not, they really just want to get drunk and party on a Saturday night. Who doesn't? I think old Jo bob is already in to the Schlitz.

Keep the emails coming, it's simply entertaining. Roll Bama.

My crystal ball

Mal says I should at least take a look at the schedule to see who we’re playing this year. I keep telling him it’s about process, not destination. When I realized he had us going to flippin Florida for a game to see some of my old press friends, I thought I should review the whole schedule to make sure I will let my team play the games. Cause I reminded Mal that I’m now in charge, not Paul Jr or the BOT. Or Mal for that matter. Let’s see what we got here.

Sept. 1 Western Carolina (Tuscaloosa)
I give this game 5 stars. Sure to be an ESPN Classic. It’s my first game as King of Tuscaloosa. I hope they put the score on one of those Golden Flake potato chip cans like the Bear had. I may let my boys run up the score for some good pub. ‘Bama 52 WCU 0

Sept. 8 Vanderbilt (Nashville)
Vandy? Are you kidding? When are we going to drop this ship from the conference? ‘Bama 31 Vandy 3

Sept. 15 Arkansas (Tuscaloosa)
I wonder if Houston Nutt will quit texting long enough to coach this game. ‘Bama 20, Ark 10

Sept. 22 Georgia (Tuscaloosa)
The Dawwwwgs come to T-town. Seems like another opportunity for me to get on TV about a million times. ‘Bama 17 UGA 16

Sept. 29 Florida State (Jacksonville, FL)
Exactly how old is Bowden? This is a great “break-out” game for my program. National TV, Florida sunshine, and whoopin a former great coach. Bobby, take a breather. Fans, take something to drink. I could use some extra tickets for my well-wishers that already live in South Florida. Maybe they’ll come watch to see what a championship team actually looks like. ‘Bama 27 FSU 20

Oct. 6 Houston (Tuscaloosa)
Houston, you have a problem. You suck, and I am king of the greatest tradition in the history of sport. ‘Bama 77 Houston 11

Oct. 13 Ole Miss (Oxford, MS)
I think they have a grove or something. But I don’t think they have a QB, or a decent coach. He’s definitely no rock star. ‘Bama 22 Ole Miss 6

Oct. 20 Tennessee (Tuscaloosa)
I’m not too worried about this one. By October 20, UT will have more kids in jail than on the field. Not only that, but I hear ‘Bama people hate Phil more than satan himself. ‘Bama 24 UT 20

Nov. 3 LSU (Tuscaloosa)
Les, who’s your daddy? Seriously, you drop the f-bomb on me after what I did for you? This might get hyped as the game of the century. I’m thinking of coming out a la Joe Namath with one of those fur coats on. Panty hose though? Nope, that’s for Les. ‘Bama 9 LSU 7

Nov. 10 Miss. State (Starkville, MS)
Poor Sly. He seems like a nice guy. First, Mike Shula takes his name off the practice trophy. Then he puts it back. Sly beats ‘Bama, cause Shula has a name but no game. Then Steak Boy gets fired. Uh oh, the King is now in town. Doesn’t look good dude. ‘Bama 34 MSU 7

Nov. 17 Louisiana-Monroe (Tuscaloosa)
I didn’t know Mal wanted us to have two spring scrimmages. ‘Bama 96 ULM 0

Nov. 24 Auburn (Auburn)
Ok, if I am the King, then Tubby must be the court jester. I’ve been here, what, 6 months and I already have pushed him well off the front page. Just ask Paul Finebaum, it’s all he can talk about. I’m not gonna lie, this might be a tough game. ‘Bama 63 AU 9

So it looks like we’re going undefeated in the regular season. I will be the toast of the town… again. Mal, when do I get my street? I think it’s in my contract.Over and out.

Welcome me to the Net

My life is simply fantastic. It's not like I'm braggin or anything, but come on. I just got handed $32m over eight years to coach football. Is this a great country or what? Aside from getting out of that stupid pro game, I was even able to get under the skin of NCAA Prez Miles Brand who thought I might be getting paid a little too much dinero. Apparently ol' Miles doesn't look at the income statement of participating universities when it comes to Bowls and March Madness. I'm a bargain.

Speaking of Miles, does anybody know why Les Miles is so ticked off at LSU? Damn, I left him a cupboard full of talent and no NCAA snoopers in the house. No need to drop the F-bomb on me Les. Perhaps you're feeling a bit insecure?

Attention media outlets: I really am a nice guy. Stop going through my trash for clues. I'm not leaving here ever, or at least not for 18 months or so.

Anyway, I digress. It's hotter than hell out here on the practice field. My guys are on the edge of puking. But this will all pay off down the road. Like I said at my press conference when I was hired, I want every team to simply hate lining up against the University of Alabama.