It's my birthday; my gift to Les Miles

You know, somebody told me that Lester was feeling a little blue at all the attention I'm getting leading up to this game. After all, his birthday is in a couple of weeks. I decided that I should honor this where all good things come together in the Universe. Kinda like Crimson Carma.

So I sent him this autographed picture. More importantly, I left him a little note that you can't read on the image here. But it says, "Dear Lester, Best Wishes. Maybe you'll experience the feeling of this photograph at your next coaching job. Yours Truly, King Nick."

Roll Bama.

The Jester drops a letter

So as I was reading my fan mail this morning before we hit the field for a scrimmage, I came across this one from the Jester:

Dear Nick,

Can you please refer to me by name? The press has forgotten me, and I'm worried that so will the recruits. Next thing you know the AD and Prez will be getting tracked by their plane on their way to find a new coach.

Peace out, Tommy Tuberville

Ok, so Tubs, let's get one thing clear. I'm not "Nick." you'll address me as "King Saban." You can also call me "King Nicholas" if you like. But as long as I allow you to be in my state, you'll be the Jester. (I did notice your parents named you "Thomas Hawley Tuberville," so clearly I'm trying to help you out - did you parents not like you?)

I do have issue with something you said in the paper the other day. I think it was along the lines of "as good as we've been, we don't rebuild, we just transition." Are you kidding? Dude, you're Auburn. You guys have won one SEC Championship in the last five years. So have I, and I've been out of the league three years. In fact, I did some checkin. Auburn has only won one more SEC Championship than Georgia Tech ever, and those engineers haven't even been in the conference since Cokes were a nickel. "Transition." Ha. More like a transition to court jester now that I've arrived.

Tubs, don't worry about recruits forgetting who you are, it's already happened. I've got verbal commitments from about 200 athletes at this point. Mal says I'm not allowed to make "direct contact," so I'm learning this text message thing Nutt has gotten so good at. Perhaps you should be more concerned with helping your recruits learn their ABCs than with whether you've become "Mr. Irrelevant" in this state. Roll Bama.

My crystal ball

Mal says I should at least take a look at the schedule to see who we’re playing this year. I keep telling him it’s about process, not destination. When I realized he had us going to flippin Florida for a game to see some of my old press friends, I thought I should review the whole schedule to make sure I will let my team play the games. Cause I reminded Mal that I’m now in charge, not Paul Jr or the BOT. Or Mal for that matter. Let’s see what we got here.

Sept. 1 Western Carolina (Tuscaloosa)
I give this game 5 stars. Sure to be an ESPN Classic. It’s my first game as King of Tuscaloosa. I hope they put the score on one of those Golden Flake potato chip cans like the Bear had. I may let my boys run up the score for some good pub. ‘Bama 52 WCU 0

Sept. 8 Vanderbilt (Nashville)
Vandy? Are you kidding? When are we going to drop this ship from the conference? ‘Bama 31 Vandy 3

Sept. 15 Arkansas (Tuscaloosa)
I wonder if Houston Nutt will quit texting long enough to coach this game. ‘Bama 20, Ark 10

Sept. 22 Georgia (Tuscaloosa)
The Dawwwwgs come to T-town. Seems like another opportunity for me to get on TV about a million times. ‘Bama 17 UGA 16

Sept. 29 Florida State (Jacksonville, FL)
Exactly how old is Bowden? This is a great “break-out” game for my program. National TV, Florida sunshine, and whoopin a former great coach. Bobby, take a breather. Fans, take something to drink. I could use some extra tickets for my well-wishers that already live in South Florida. Maybe they’ll come watch to see what a championship team actually looks like. ‘Bama 27 FSU 20

Oct. 6 Houston (Tuscaloosa)
Houston, you have a problem. You suck, and I am king of the greatest tradition in the history of sport. ‘Bama 77 Houston 11

Oct. 13 Ole Miss (Oxford, MS)
I think they have a grove or something. But I don’t think they have a QB, or a decent coach. He’s definitely no rock star. ‘Bama 22 Ole Miss 6

Oct. 20 Tennessee (Tuscaloosa)
I’m not too worried about this one. By October 20, UT will have more kids in jail than on the field. Not only that, but I hear ‘Bama people hate Phil more than satan himself. ‘Bama 24 UT 20

Nov. 3 LSU (Tuscaloosa)
Les, who’s your daddy? Seriously, you drop the f-bomb on me after what I did for you? This might get hyped as the game of the century. I’m thinking of coming out a la Joe Namath with one of those fur coats on. Panty hose though? Nope, that’s for Les. ‘Bama 9 LSU 7

Nov. 10 Miss. State (Starkville, MS)
Poor Sly. He seems like a nice guy. First, Mike Shula takes his name off the practice trophy. Then he puts it back. Sly beats ‘Bama, cause Shula has a name but no game. Then Steak Boy gets fired. Uh oh, the King is now in town. Doesn’t look good dude. ‘Bama 34 MSU 7

Nov. 17 Louisiana-Monroe (Tuscaloosa)
I didn’t know Mal wanted us to have two spring scrimmages. ‘Bama 96 ULM 0

Nov. 24 Auburn (Auburn)
Ok, if I am the King, then Tubby must be the court jester. I’ve been here, what, 6 months and I already have pushed him well off the front page. Just ask Paul Finebaum, it’s all he can talk about. I’m not gonna lie, this might be a tough game. ‘Bama 63 AU 9

So it looks like we’re going undefeated in the regular season. I will be the toast of the town… again. Mal, when do I get my street? I think it’s in my contract.Over and out.