Game Day: Vanderbilt

Well, it's Friday afternoon. I hope you're getting ready to clock out for the day and enjoy a cold one. I know I am. Just as soon as Paul Jr. gets it. Mal says I really should cool my jets over being in charge, but I just can't help it.

Ahh, Vanderbilt. It's alway fun to go to the Music City USA. Former home of Opryland and the like. So let me break down how the day will go.

The game is getting broadcast by Abe Financial, so we have a blasted 11:30 am kick-off. They don't have an AD at Vandy, so the school just does what it's told by the league office. Anyway, 11:30 am is damn early for a football game. I will make my troops get up at 5:30 am for a jog through downtown Nashville. We'll run to the outskirt of town where all the 'Bama RVs are and back.

At 8:00 am, we'll have breakfast. I'm not talking about the stupid "continental" breakfast of a banana and juice either. I'm talking all the fixuns. Pancakes cooked by yours truly, eggs, bacon, sausage, and maybe some fried chicken. Johns gets two of everything since he's the fullback. Grant gets a muffin.

At 9:30 am, we enter the stadium dressed in our suits. The ovation will be unbelievable. There will even be cheers for some of my troops.

At 11:30 am, we burst on the TV seen in front of the "partisan" crowd. That's what the TV dudes will say .Yeah, whatever. Partisan would mean there are some Vandy fans even there. I'm expecting 45,000 Bama fans.

"Vandy always plays 'Bama tough" is all I've heard this week. Bullcrap. This ain't the Steak Boy regime. By halftime we'll be up 17 - 0. I tell JPW that on the next TD, he gets a break. Sure enough, we'll be up 24-0 seven minutes into the third quarter. Reserves come in, mop up, and we glide to a 31-10 victory. My first SEC victory as King of the Crimson Tide. It's very very good times.

I'll then go catch some games on the tube. Lester and Jester have tough ones this week. I wonder if either will be coaching in the SEC next year since I'm the King. Roll Bama.

Busy Busy Busy Week

Wow, it's the moment we've all waited for. The King's official coming out party in Tuscaloosa. This week is special in so many ways, but it's truly been exhausting.

On Monday, I did my first Game Week press conference for the press dudes. They were eatin my words up quicker than a wiener dog on kibbles and bits. I threw out a depth chart - funny, it got met with all kinds of comments from the press like "no surprise here," etc. Those guys are so full of it. I totally treated them like mushrooms all fall camp - kept them in the dark and fed them crap. It's just another form of Crimson Carma. I've been on fire since SI hit the news stands.

Unfortunately I had to suspend a couple of players. Thought I should get that out of the way. Folks, we're playing Western Carosomebody this weekend. My grandmother could suit up and outrun the Catamarans. We'll be fine. I'm predicting a large margin of victory for the ESPN Gameplan audience. Anywho, I'll give a more detailed breakdown of the game later this week.

I also have to admit I've been a bit naughty. But Lester is so much fun to screw with that I couldn't help it. Ok, don't tell him, but this is what I did. I spent the weekend over in Starkville with Sly Croom. I figure that guy really deserves a break. You could argue that he got one when he beat Steak Boy in T-town last November, but my arrival has made that pretty meaningless.

So I don't know if you've heard, but Sly's Bulldogs are playing LSU at home on that truly awesomely terrible sports journalism network - ESPN, on Thursday night.

After I wrapped up game planning for Western Carowhoever in late July, I started working with Sly's staff on the side. Needless to say, we've put in a number of special wrinkles for the LSU game. Holy crap, I'd love to see Lester drop about 15 F-Bombs late in the 4th quarter Thursday night, down by about three touchdowns.

I just sent Paul Jr. out to the 7-Eleven for some water. I think he can handle the task. He's almost come to realize that I don't work for him, so we've made some great strides already this fall.

Roll Bama.

Check it out, I'm on the cover of SI

Looks like all this "good will press tour" is really paying some dividends. Crap, check it out, I'm on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

Much love to the writer (a Bama journalism professor, Mal says this is just fine). Check out this quote. “They have welcomed him as Caesar, as pharaoh, and paid him enough money to burn a wet dog. Now he will take them forward by taking them back to the glory of their past -- the 21 Southeastern Conference championships, the 12 national championships, the Team of the 20th Century (as The Wall Street Journal called the Crimson Tide in 2000).

“Saban has not promised them so much -- 'I don’t believe in predictions,’ he says -- but they believe. It may take two years, three, more, to be in the discussion again when people talk about the best teams in college football. But they know he will take them home."

I don't know about burning wet dogs - that's more a Michael Vick thing - but I do like being called Caesar and pharaoh. I may need to get one of those togas like Bluto was wearing in Animal House. The picture is very good, as it gets me in my vest and straw hat right in the middle of that ridiculous heat. Somewhere in the background is Paul Jr. getting me some lemonade.

Much Bama love to the journalist, Rick Bragg. This is fantastic butt-kissing material. Rick, I'll be leaving you a sideline pass. Please call Mal to pick it up. And Cecil, Rick is your example. Step it up.

If this doesn't give you some sense of how in control I am I don't know what does. This school went from laughing stock to the cover of SI in nine months. Free advertising. $4m bucks? A bargain. I am the King. Everybody get on my shoulders, cause we're marching back to national prominence. Siuya Jester, Pumpkin, Lester, and all others not on the train. Roll Bama.

Down on the sideline

I know you guys are just dying to know what's shaking down here on the sideline. Since I'm King, I closed all practices to the public. Can't have those spies from Jesterville or Pumpkinville spyin on my team. But it is my first scrimmage of the fall, so I'll give ya'll the scoop.

We've just unveiled the wishbone. Figured it worked for the Bear, so certainly it can work for me. Maybe we'll go to white shoes and white helmets too. Ha, gotcha. Those things are hideous. Can't believe the Perkinator even tried that stuff back in the 80s. Ranked right up there with his decision to pull down The Tower. I'd like to give him some cred, but he went on to coach the Tampa Bay Succaneers when they played in those butt-ugly uniforms. Even worse than my decision to coach the Fish. Anybody seen him lately?

Seriously, though, the move of Jimmy to fullback seems to be working nicely. That dude has great hands, and I don't know how anybody can bring him down when he hits the open field. Gosh I hope he's that good and our defense isn't that bad. Mr. BMOC better keep going to class if he wants to play.

Wow, this is like heaven. Saban Field at Bryant-Denny Stadium. I'm looking around the stadium right now where all my admirers will be come September 1. I didn't major in math, but that's only three weeks from today. I can't believe Steak Boy blew this gig. People buy me lunch, get my coffee, and generally kiss my butt. Of course that's the press, but the fans are pretty slick too. They send me all kinds of crap to sign - one guy even pulled the door off his motor home and FedExed it to campus for me to autograph. Signed, Sincerely Yours, King of the 'Bama nation, King Saban. Must be pretty drafty in his house right now.

Mal, it's damn hot out here. Tell Paul Jr. to get me some lemonade. Pronto. Roll Bama.

Here's a wild thought

Saban Field at Bryant-Denny Stadium. That would be cool. I wonder if Mal could make that happen before the first game. He did manage to get me on the front and back of the media guide, not to mention devoting chapters to the 92,000 who showed up at the spring scrimmage, I mean game. This job is great. We haven't even lined up for the first game, and it's like I am King. Welcome to Tuscaloosa, my kingdom.

Somebody tell Paul Jr. to get me some Gatorade or something, it's hot as hell out here. And if he could get the product renamed to Sabanade, that would be fantastic. I don't want anything related to Gators or Tigers near my boys.

Cecil, you'd didn't write any nice columns this morning. Don't make me have to read Finebaum for my entertainment. That dude is weird.