Finebaum asks the question

And the King has the answers....

From the Paul column today: "However, if you listen to some of the experts, you might think Tuberville has already begun to wave the white flag in surrender. Regardless of the rhetoric, and it's worth pointing out that national signing day isn't until Feb. 5, 2008, the question begs asking: Has the pendulum already shifted and is there anything Auburn can really do about it?"

From The King: Paul, I don't know what a pendulum is, but the obvious answer is that there is nothing the Jester can do about 'Bama's return to its rightful place in this state. Game over. Why don't you just call me before you print this crap? It makes you look weak and scrawny. Did you get beat up a lot in the school yard?

I will say that you did have a nice quote in there about Auburn feeling like the red-headed step child to Alabama during the 1970s when we won something like 35 games in a row over those guys. The Bear was in charge. I'm in charge. I'm looking forward to making Auburn our beeatch again.

All in all, Paul, you do a pretty nice job of kissing my butt. I will join you on your show one day soon. Roll Bama.

Friday afternoon on the Quad

Saban Chimes? Naa, that might be a bit much before next year. Mal says I should cool my jets. But my wife simply loves this place (except for that little kiss on the cheek when we landed last January). Apparently our phones have been ringing off the hook since I made my diary public. Mal says he might even get a computer for this.

Just took a walk across the Quad on the way back from lunch over at the Ferguson Center. Must have signed a thousand autographs. These kids love me. Yes, it's hotter than Tiger fat in a fryin pan, but what are ya gonna do about it? It seems the local press row - all hanging out in their air conditioned motor homes - are making quite a deal of my not having sympathy for my players in this heat.

This is The University of Alabama for cryin out loud. Doesn't everybody realize what a crappy record this school had last year? Not that Steak Boy left me tons of talent, but even Bill Curry and Mike DuBose won SEC Championships here. If we were Ole Miss or Vandy or Auburn or somethin I could understand the belly aching to just call it a day, but we're gunning for a championship. I'm the King making $4m a year, and I make it so.

I see the press over there all cozy. I'd love to see Paul Finebaum and Cecil Hurt do a 50-yard dash for my next sizzling quote. I wonder if either of them could make it. Maybe one of those ESPN blowhards would like to jump in there too. Corso? Ha. First one to midfield gets the next interview. Roll Bama.

My crystal ball

Mal says I should at least take a look at the schedule to see who we’re playing this year. I keep telling him it’s about process, not destination. When I realized he had us going to flippin Florida for a game to see some of my old press friends, I thought I should review the whole schedule to make sure I will let my team play the games. Cause I reminded Mal that I’m now in charge, not Paul Jr or the BOT. Or Mal for that matter. Let’s see what we got here.

Sept. 1 Western Carolina (Tuscaloosa)
I give this game 5 stars. Sure to be an ESPN Classic. It’s my first game as King of Tuscaloosa. I hope they put the score on one of those Golden Flake potato chip cans like the Bear had. I may let my boys run up the score for some good pub. ‘Bama 52 WCU 0

Sept. 8 Vanderbilt (Nashville)
Vandy? Are you kidding? When are we going to drop this ship from the conference? ‘Bama 31 Vandy 3

Sept. 15 Arkansas (Tuscaloosa)
I wonder if Houston Nutt will quit texting long enough to coach this game. ‘Bama 20, Ark 10

Sept. 22 Georgia (Tuscaloosa)
The Dawwwwgs come to T-town. Seems like another opportunity for me to get on TV about a million times. ‘Bama 17 UGA 16

Sept. 29 Florida State (Jacksonville, FL)
Exactly how old is Bowden? This is a great “break-out” game for my program. National TV, Florida sunshine, and whoopin a former great coach. Bobby, take a breather. Fans, take something to drink. I could use some extra tickets for my well-wishers that already live in South Florida. Maybe they’ll come watch to see what a championship team actually looks like. ‘Bama 27 FSU 20

Oct. 6 Houston (Tuscaloosa)
Houston, you have a problem. You suck, and I am king of the greatest tradition in the history of sport. ‘Bama 77 Houston 11

Oct. 13 Ole Miss (Oxford, MS)
I think they have a grove or something. But I don’t think they have a QB, or a decent coach. He’s definitely no rock star. ‘Bama 22 Ole Miss 6

Oct. 20 Tennessee (Tuscaloosa)
I’m not too worried about this one. By October 20, UT will have more kids in jail than on the field. Not only that, but I hear ‘Bama people hate Phil more than satan himself. ‘Bama 24 UT 20

Nov. 3 LSU (Tuscaloosa)
Les, who’s your daddy? Seriously, you drop the f-bomb on me after what I did for you? This might get hyped as the game of the century. I’m thinking of coming out a la Joe Namath with one of those fur coats on. Panty hose though? Nope, that’s for Les. ‘Bama 9 LSU 7

Nov. 10 Miss. State (Starkville, MS)
Poor Sly. He seems like a nice guy. First, Mike Shula takes his name off the practice trophy. Then he puts it back. Sly beats ‘Bama, cause Shula has a name but no game. Then Steak Boy gets fired. Uh oh, the King is now in town. Doesn’t look good dude. ‘Bama 34 MSU 7

Nov. 17 Louisiana-Monroe (Tuscaloosa)
I didn’t know Mal wanted us to have two spring scrimmages. ‘Bama 96 ULM 0

Nov. 24 Auburn (Auburn)
Ok, if I am the King, then Tubby must be the court jester. I’ve been here, what, 6 months and I already have pushed him well off the front page. Just ask Paul Finebaum, it’s all he can talk about. I’m not gonna lie, this might be a tough game. ‘Bama 63 AU 9

So it looks like we’re going undefeated in the regular season. I will be the toast of the town… again. Mal, when do I get my street? I think it’s in my contract.Over and out.

Here's a wild thought

Saban Field at Bryant-Denny Stadium. That would be cool. I wonder if Mal could make that happen before the first game. He did manage to get me on the front and back of the media guide, not to mention devoting chapters to the 92,000 who showed up at the spring scrimmage, I mean game. This job is great. We haven't even lined up for the first game, and it's like I am King. Welcome to Tuscaloosa, my kingdom.

Somebody tell Paul Jr. to get me some Gatorade or something, it's hot as hell out here. And if he could get the product renamed to Sabanade, that would be fantastic. I don't want anything related to Gators or Tigers near my boys.

Cecil, you'd didn't write any nice columns this morning. Don't make me have to read Finebaum for my entertainment. That dude is weird.