Dear Abby Tuesday

The weekend was extremely busy. Did you see that ass-kicking in Nashville? I told you it wouldn't be close. This team will really be on the move the next month. JPW is having trouble finding receivers, but Terry Grant is the real deal. So anyway, I get in this morning, and have three urgent emails:

To: Sabanator@gmail.com
From: Tommy Tuberville
Date: 9/9/2007 12:45 am

Dear Nick-

My team is pathetic. We somehow managed to get into overtime with South Florida, only to blow it. Of course I know that the game should have never gotten to overtime, that South Florida coach needs a kicker. I think I'm screwed. What do I do?

Yours,
Tommy T.

Jester, you are totally screwed. I'm signing all the top players in the state, and my team actually looks like it knows what it's doing. South Florida may need a kicker, but you need a QB. And an offensive line. And some defense. Dude, you should probably put some feelers out for that Arkansas job, as old Houston is gonna be singing your sad tune this time next week. I'm happy to help you network, or you can just send Houston a text message if you want.

Out. King Nick.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
To: Sabanator@gmail.com
From: Les Miles
Date: 9/8/2007 11:00 pm

Dear Nick-

I can't stand myself right now. My team is pretty great, but all I can think about is the job in Ann Arbor. What next?

Yours,
Les Miles

Lester, you're in a no-win situation. The press hounds can sniff this a mile away. My advice is to bail on LSU mid-season and jump to the Michigan job. Otherwise, the press will think you're a liar.

Up yours. King Nick.

I love these emails and letters. I see one on my desk from the head Cockadoodle and Jail House Richt. I'll get to those later.

Roll Bama.

Crimson Karma vs Crimson Carma

It's less than a week before kick-off, and a sense of peace has come across me. It really got me to thinking about the Universe, and my place in it.

My wife Terry started this cool thing called Crimson Karma this fall at the University. It's all about doing nice things and having it come back to you in some fashion. Clearly she is much nicer than me. It's very very cool. I decided that I wanted to talk about Karma myself.

First, the name. I need to distinguish this. So I'm calling this "Crimson Carma." See, I changed the "K" to a "C." I'm so clever since that cover of SI. So what is Crimson Carma?

Crimson Carma by The King
It's knowing I am the King and that the conference is already shaking
It's knowing we're better than people think already
It's knowing 92,000 care so much that they show up for a meaningless scrimmage
It's knowing that nobody cares the cow college has one for the thumb
It's knowing Lester is so distracted his Tigers are about to screw it up in September
It's knowing the national press is now eating out of my hands
It's knowing the question isn't "if" but "when" are we going to win the next championship
It's knowing we won three or four national titles but we get to call it twelve
It's knowing Pumpkin Boy is feeling pressure before we even hit the field
It's knowing Cockadoodle is ticked off at the USC administration
It's knowing that JoPa is now using a playstation for practice. And laughing.
It's knowing my name will adorn one of these street signs
It's knowing we're not distracted by text messages or "substance" policies
and, most importantly,
It's knowing that Auburn has now become an afterthought in this state

Peace out. Time for some yoga. Roll Bama.

Some interesting math

Contract Boy says I should keep working on my image. Much love to the US Department of Education for supplying the figures below. A whole lot has been made of my salary. I'm not a math whiz, but it seems to me that the economic impact I bring the University should be taken into account. Did you see the 92,000 who showed up for the spring fun? How much extra beer and food and Bama stuff do you think got consumed as a result?

How much do you think that free advertising for the University on the cover of Sports Illustrated this week is worth? Some dufus with the Atlanta-Journal & Stupidness said a few less potholes would get fixed this year in the state. They don't get it. I'm an investment in growth, not a cost center eating up valuable resources.

Anywho, throwing out the facts that most of my salary is paid from outside-the-university resources, if we just look at the revenue the University produces in football in comparison to my salary vs other schools, you get some interesting math. Sly looks way overpaid. P.S. Miles Brand of the non-profit group called the NCAA made almost $900,000 last year alone. What's he producing? He's no King. Roll Bama.

SEC coach	Salary	Football revenue	Percentage
King Saban, Alabama	$4,000,000	$44,426,312	9.0%
Jester, Auburn	2,231,000	51,598,921	4.3
Pumpkin Boy, Tennessee	2,050,000	27,732,427	7.3
Cockadoodle, South Carolina	1,750,000	33,051,529	5.2
Urban Legend,Florida	1,525,550	48,194,552	3.1
Lester, LSU	1,450,000	39,528,895	3.7
Boss Hog, Arkansas	1,049,644	28,466,785	3.7
Sylvester Croom, Miss.State	940,000	7,185,069	13.0
Ed Orgeron, Ole Miss	905,000	16,563,825	5.4
Rich Brooks, Kentucky	729,165	19,793,174	3.6

Some others

BCS game coach	Salary	Football revenue	Percentage
Jim Tressel, Ohio State	$2,013,700	$60,773,537	3.3
Bobby Petrino, Louisville	1,743,000	16,331,615	9.3
Bob Stoops, Oklahoma	3,450,000	33,757,486	10.0
Chris Peterson, Boise State	511,880	8,542,522	6.0
Lloyd Carr, Michigan	1,454,619	50,365,537	2.9
Trojan Man, S. California	2,782,320	27,777,249	10.0
Catholic Boy, Notre Dame	3,300,000	61,463,627	5.3

Pumpkin Boy is getting the band back together

Much love to Jim Bob from Opp, AL, for this snapshot of Pumpkinator getting ready for the season. That's right, you don't see a whistle around his neck or a football in his hands. Apparently Karma is catching up with Pumpkin Boy, so he's decided to ready himself for his next career: aging hillbilly rock star.

I hope he coaches at least long enough for the King to whip his butt in October. Dude, if Steak Boy could beat Pumpkinator, look out. The King is ready.

I wonder if Johnny Majors will sing back-up? Lord, I hope not. Walking through the Saban-Bryant Museum, it looks like the only song he knew was the classic, "When we gonna beat 'Bama?" It was a tear-jerker.

I'd love to see a version of Rocky Top. Pumpkin on guitar, Johnny on drums, and maybe Cockadoodle on voice. Coach Cajun Potty Mouth can write the lyrics. If they need a "face" for the band, I think Steak Boy might be available.

That sofa looks like it came from the 1970s. Along with that tie. Roll Bama.

Let's look at the past. But quickly.

Yesterday afternoon I was in prime form. I spouted off some malarkey about us not being where we wanted to be yet. I think I could tell some of the reporters that the sky was purple and they'd believe me. Are we where we need to be to be the crap out of Western Carolina on Sept. 1? Of course. Are we ready to beat the next team on the schedule. Possibly, but let's take it one game at a time. It's hilarious, though. Every single reporter mentions in every practice article that practices are "closed to the public and the media." Fellas, this ain't about to change, so relax. I'm the King Football Coach, not Steak Boy. Kirk McNair said I "admonished reporters." Where do they get this stuff?

Mal told me I should take a little walk through the Bryant Museum to get a feel for the history here. Saban Museum I thought. Anyway, the first thing I did was take a look at the number of title's we've won. The best way I can figure is that it's somewhere between four and 13. We won the "Dunkel" title in 1934. Mal, what the hell is that? The "Houlgate" "Berryman?" Ok, Mal, this sounds like a bunch of baloney. I do see where my Spartans screwed the Tide in 1966 by not taking out Notre Dame. Bear called that one of his best teams ever.

Wow, Bear nearly took the Fish job in 1970. Just like me. We are god-like twins.

Let's see. Beat the yang out of Auburn for nine straight years. More national titles without the word "Dunkel" in them. Liberty Bowl. Perkinator. Bill Curry? What? They hired that ESPN blow hard to coach here after he sucked at Georgia Tech? They let a Tech boy coach here? Hell, they should have thrown a brick in the Athletic Director's Office.

Ahh, then Bebes. Love that guy. He's the one who told me I could have all kinds of stuff with my name on it if I came here and coached a while. At least for a couple of years. National title, again. NCAA probation. Retirement. Interesting turn of events.

Mike DuBose. Boy they sure do like coaches that suck named "Mike." Wow, even he won an SEC Championship. Had to love that look on Cockadoodle's face when he lost to 'Bama twice that year. Something about a secretary has been smeared out. Mal, what is this?

Aggie Boy. That guy talked funny. Did he talk right from his nose? Of course that was the last time before this year that 'Bama beat Auburn. Yikes. I bet the coaches have really turned over since then. Looks like he is having excellent luck at Texas A&M.

Mike Price. Record 0-0. Weird, somebody must have made a typo. His name is Mike so I'm sure he sucked. But given that every coach who comes through here is destined to win some games, maybe he went 10-0 or something. See where he is at that football power UTEP.

Mike Shula. Another Mike? Mal, were you here for all these crappy hires? How are you still working here? Oh yeah, I saved your ass myself. Steak Boy was pretty, but he couldn't coach worth a damn. Spent too much time at those blasted alumnoid functions. "Got Shula?" Oh my , you would think they could come up with something better than that. Of course Pappa Steak Boy seems to be losing it; he was more than a little upset when I quit his beloved Fish to take the job his son had just been canned from. I think Bear would have wanted it that way. He was a King just like me.

So much history, so little time. I wonder where they are going to build my wing to this puppy. Lord knows even one year of me will be better than some of these yahoos. Might be time to head over to the Cafe for breakfast. Roll Bama.