The Auburn Way?

Folks, I crap you not, this is an actual photograph. I can't look at this without hearing banjos and wondering who is about to "squeal like a pig."
Thanks to Jimmy from Opp for mailing this shot in. Is this an example of the Auburn strength and conditioning program? Or which one is Jester? No wonder they lost to Mississippi State. Discuss.

Roll Bama.

Jester and Academic Qualifiers

Ok, this just in. Jester really should be getting his guys on the plains into the classroom. Turns out one-third of their 30 signees from February couldn't even get into school. Said Jester, "Well, we're just glad 25 of them will be on the field this fall."

Twenty-five? Perhaps Jester should go to class himself. I'm no whiz, but that sounds wrong.

Check out this picture. Thanks Bobbie Leigh from Andalusia. Bobbie titled this one, "Auburn Valedictorian." Is that an 8-track back there? Pass the cheetos.

Roll Bama.

Finebaum asks the question

And the King has the answers....

From the Paul column today: "However, if you listen to some of the experts, you might think Tuberville has already begun to wave the white flag in surrender. Regardless of the rhetoric, and it's worth pointing out that national signing day isn't until Feb. 5, 2008, the question begs asking: Has the pendulum already shifted and is there anything Auburn can really do about it?"

From The King: Paul, I don't know what a pendulum is, but the obvious answer is that there is nothing the Jester can do about 'Bama's return to its rightful place in this state. Game over. Why don't you just call me before you print this crap? It makes you look weak and scrawny. Did you get beat up a lot in the school yard?

I will say that you did have a nice quote in there about Auburn feeling like the red-headed step child to Alabama during the 1970s when we won something like 35 games in a row over those guys. The Bear was in charge. I'm in charge. I'm looking forward to making Auburn our beeatch again.

All in all, Paul, you do a pretty nice job of kissing my butt. I will join you on your show one day soon. Roll Bama.

Sneak-Peak at Auburn Uniforms

Since the Jester and I are now on speaking terms, our relationship has really risen to a new level. As part of the truce, we've agreed not to turn each other in to the NCAA. Of course I didn't tell him I had a "Clone" now to do my dirty work. I'm gonna love screwin with Jester's mind. At LSU, what what our biggest rival, Tulane? The King didn't even have a worthy Jester, and that was no fun at all. Apparently we are now LSU's biggest rival - at least according to Coach Cajun Potty Mouth.

So back to Auburn. Jester hasn't tripped up and given me his game plans yet, but he did shoot me a copy of the logo that will adorn Auburn uniforms this year. It's the 40th anniversary of Auburn's only football national championship. I don't think they won the "Dunkel" title that year, but I'm pretty sure they must have been cheating. Jester says they are also considering putting this at midfield, and marketing a set of commemorative Pepsi products.

Of course 'Bama is no angel. But we didn't get caught for cheating until 1993. And since I'm King, I have decided 1993 didn't actually happen. As a result, we didn't forfeit any games. I stricken thee from the record any and all references to NCAA Probation. Done. Roll Bama.

Let's look at the past. But quickly.

Yesterday afternoon I was in prime form. I spouted off some malarkey about us not being where we wanted to be yet. I think I could tell some of the reporters that the sky was purple and they'd believe me. Are we where we need to be to be the crap out of Western Carolina on Sept. 1? Of course. Are we ready to beat the next team on the schedule. Possibly, but let's take it one game at a time. It's hilarious, though. Every single reporter mentions in every practice article that practices are "closed to the public and the media." Fellas, this ain't about to change, so relax. I'm the King Football Coach, not Steak Boy. Kirk McNair said I "admonished reporters." Where do they get this stuff?

Mal told me I should take a little walk through the Bryant Museum to get a feel for the history here. Saban Museum I thought. Anyway, the first thing I did was take a look at the number of title's we've won. The best way I can figure is that it's somewhere between four and 13. We won the "Dunkel" title in 1934. Mal, what the hell is that? The "Houlgate" "Berryman?" Ok, Mal, this sounds like a bunch of baloney. I do see where my Spartans screwed the Tide in 1966 by not taking out Notre Dame. Bear called that one of his best teams ever.

Wow, Bear nearly took the Fish job in 1970. Just like me. We are god-like twins.

Let's see. Beat the yang out of Auburn for nine straight years. More national titles without the word "Dunkel" in them. Liberty Bowl. Perkinator. Bill Curry? What? They hired that ESPN blow hard to coach here after he sucked at Georgia Tech? They let a Tech boy coach here? Hell, they should have thrown a brick in the Athletic Director's Office.

Ahh, then Bebes. Love that guy. He's the one who told me I could have all kinds of stuff with my name on it if I came here and coached a while. At least for a couple of years. National title, again. NCAA probation. Retirement. Interesting turn of events.

Mike DuBose. Boy they sure do like coaches that suck named "Mike." Wow, even he won an SEC Championship. Had to love that look on Cockadoodle's face when he lost to 'Bama twice that year. Something about a secretary has been smeared out. Mal, what is this?

Aggie Boy. That guy talked funny. Did he talk right from his nose? Of course that was the last time before this year that 'Bama beat Auburn. Yikes. I bet the coaches have really turned over since then. Looks like he is having excellent luck at Texas A&M.

Mike Price. Record 0-0. Weird, somebody must have made a typo. His name is Mike so I'm sure he sucked. But given that every coach who comes through here is destined to win some games, maybe he went 10-0 or something. See where he is at that football power UTEP.

Mike Shula. Another Mike? Mal, were you here for all these crappy hires? How are you still working here? Oh yeah, I saved your ass myself. Steak Boy was pretty, but he couldn't coach worth a damn. Spent too much time at those blasted alumnoid functions. "Got Shula?" Oh my , you would think they could come up with something better than that. Of course Pappa Steak Boy seems to be losing it; he was more than a little upset when I quit his beloved Fish to take the job his son had just been canned from. I think Bear would have wanted it that way. He was a King just like me.

So much history, so little time. I wonder where they are going to build my wing to this puppy. Lord knows even one year of me will be better than some of these yahoos. Might be time to head over to the Cafe for breakfast. Roll Bama.

Friday afternoon on the Quad

Saban Chimes? Naa, that might be a bit much before next year. Mal says I should cool my jets. But my wife simply loves this place (except for that little kiss on the cheek when we landed last January). Apparently our phones have been ringing off the hook since I made my diary public. Mal says he might even get a computer for this.

Just took a walk across the Quad on the way back from lunch over at the Ferguson Center. Must have signed a thousand autographs. These kids love me. Yes, it's hotter than Tiger fat in a fryin pan, but what are ya gonna do about it? It seems the local press row - all hanging out in their air conditioned motor homes - are making quite a deal of my not having sympathy for my players in this heat.

This is The University of Alabama for cryin out loud. Doesn't everybody realize what a crappy record this school had last year? Not that Steak Boy left me tons of talent, but even Bill Curry and Mike DuBose won SEC Championships here. If we were Ole Miss or Vandy or Auburn or somethin I could understand the belly aching to just call it a day, but we're gunning for a championship. I'm the King making $4m a year, and I make it so.

I see the press over there all cozy. I'd love to see Paul Finebaum and Cecil Hurt do a 50-yard dash for my next sizzling quote. I wonder if either of them could make it. Maybe one of those ESPN blowhards would like to jump in there too. Corso? Ha. First one to midfield gets the next interview. Roll Bama.

Top of the morning to ya

One of the first things I do each morning while I'm drinking my Saban Moca (yep, Mal got the local Starbucks to get me my own coffee brand) is read some of the articles from the boneheads in the press. I must say, I really spout off some memorable quotes. Like this one, "We have an opponent in this state that we work every day, 365 days a year to dominate."

I don't know if ya'll have noticed, but I got kids lining up to get in the door at this place. We are literally running circles around that crew down at Auburn. We must have about 40 verbal commitments already. Tommy what's-his-name has got to be feeling like he really missed a chance over the last five years. I know he has one for the thumb, but I don't think anybody outside Auburn remembers or even cares since the King showed up. And besides, I have the finger.

And speaking of Kings, ESPN has a great article on the hierarchy of college football teams. Guess what? Alabama is in the "King" category. Without a doubt the ESPN blowhards would have put us in the court jester category just a year ago. But that was KS-1. The year before King Saban arrived.

Glancing Around the League

While my boys are getting some water to keep from passing out during this heat, I thought I'd take a glance around the league at my competition.

You've truly got to hand it to Steve Spurrier. He turns down the chance to have street signs with his name on them in Tuscaloosa so he can stay in Cockadoodleville, South Carolina. I read where ol' Steve is upset because the South Carolina board of admission won't lower their standards so a couple of his 5-star recruits can get into school. Steve, two things: one, if they can't spell their own name, you probably shouldn't sign them. And two, if you want to sign them, you would have been better off just about anywhere where they have actually won championships. Some of these places are pretty hell bent on academics.

I'm glad to hear things are going great in Knoxville. Another player was busted this week for "violating the school's substance abuse policy." But did he inhale? Anybody get the feelin Pumpkin Boy is on the hot seat up there in Knoxville?

And down on the farm in Auburn, I see they are losing players left and write. I would say "right,", but I'm wondering if some of those new recruits even know the difference. Sounds like a whole bunch of 'em are not making grades to even enroll. Who is that coach down there? Seems like the press in this state never even mentions it anymore.

Ok, back to the practice field. Roll Bama.