Jester supports Croom? Really? So Surprising.

Oh my goodness, did you hear the scuttle-butt coming out of Auburn this morning? Apparently Jester is giving his full support to Sly Croom. Seems like I remember him voicing similar support for Steak Boy. It's truly shocking that Jester would support a coach at a division rival who is 10-26 over the past four years. Guess what? I'm pulling for Croom to stay on a few more years too. I might even be willing to contribute part of the King's ransom to make this happen.

I've got a feeling I will voicing my support for Jester to stay on too when his team limps to November just over .500. Maybe Sly's team will contribute to the cause this Saturday. He's already my beaatch on the recruiting trail around this state. Just wait till we hit the field.

Roll Bama.

My Staff makes some cash - just like the King

So I'm sitting on the "throne" this morning doing a little light reading. I get a few of the sports pages from newspapers around the state. It seems everybody's a bit excited about my staff being the highest paid in the league. They all found out "through an open records request." It sounds official when newspapers say that. What it means is they sent some poor kid making $5.25 an hour over to the courthouse to spend some time diggin through papers. Poor schlep.

Ok, Dick Tracy's of the Alabama Press Corp., yes, my staff is the highest paid. Why did this take an open records request? I'm the King, and make more dinero than any coach in college football. So, my staff is also the highest paid in the SEC. I told ya'll I was intent on hiring the best staff possible. Mal didn't just give me keys to the kingdom, he game me a blank check. Actually, he gave me a lot of blank checks. We want to win today, not five years from now. And yes, young Applewood makes more than the offensive coordinator under Steak Boy. They scored, like, never in the red zone. Did you see the holes open up for Grant last Saturday? Exactly.

Roll Bama.

Oh My, it's Steak Boy

So Terry decided we needed some 'Bama stuff for the house. It's all about this Crimson Karma she's been talking about. And you know, she's right. As King, you need items that point to your greatness everywhere from the Stadium to the wall just above your toilet. So I go into my office this morning, and I nearly quaffed the Sabamoca out my nose. Check out this print:

What the holy hell is this? Did 'Bama fans actually buy this print?I know things have been desperate here for years, but I didn't know even the artists were drinking to get through the pain. I explained to Terry that not all 'Bama history is worth hanging on the wall. Steak Boy next to the Bear. It's like Jester next to , well, ok, nothing from Auburn to compare. But it's ridonculous. I think Heinz-57 here lost more games in four years at Saban Field at Bryant Denny Stadium than Bear did in his whole career.

On another note, we have started casting for my statue. Did ya'll notice there is an extra space next to Bear over at the stadium? Roll Bama.

Game Day: Vanderbilt

Well, it's Friday afternoon. I hope you're getting ready to clock out for the day and enjoy a cold one. I know I am. Just as soon as Paul Jr. gets it. Mal says I really should cool my jets over being in charge, but I just can't help it.

Ahh, Vanderbilt. It's alway fun to go to the Music City USA. Former home of Opryland and the like. So let me break down how the day will go.

The game is getting broadcast by Abe Financial, so we have a blasted 11:30 am kick-off. They don't have an AD at Vandy, so the school just does what it's told by the league office. Anyway, 11:30 am is damn early for a football game. I will make my troops get up at 5:30 am for a jog through downtown Nashville. We'll run to the outskirt of town where all the 'Bama RVs are and back.

At 8:00 am, we'll have breakfast. I'm not talking about the stupid "continental" breakfast of a banana and juice either. I'm talking all the fixuns. Pancakes cooked by yours truly, eggs, bacon, sausage, and maybe some fried chicken. Johns gets two of everything since he's the fullback. Grant gets a muffin.

At 9:30 am, we enter the stadium dressed in our suits. The ovation will be unbelievable. There will even be cheers for some of my troops.

At 11:30 am, we burst on the TV seen in front of the "partisan" crowd. That's what the TV dudes will say .Yeah, whatever. Partisan would mean there are some Vandy fans even there. I'm expecting 45,000 Bama fans.

"Vandy always plays 'Bama tough" is all I've heard this week. Bullcrap. This ain't the Steak Boy regime. By halftime we'll be up 17 - 0. I tell JPW that on the next TD, he gets a break. Sure enough, we'll be up 24-0 seven minutes into the third quarter. Reserves come in, mop up, and we glide to a 31-10 victory. My first SEC victory as King of the Crimson Tide. It's very very good times.

I'll then go catch some games on the tube. Lester and Jester have tough ones this week. I wonder if either will be coaching in the SEC next year since I'm the King. Roll Bama.

Opening Day: An Ode to Greatness

During my morning jog, I began to think of the upcoming season. I get all teary-eyed thinking of the Legend I'm about to become here. Thinking of the cover of Sports Illustrated. Gotta put a framed copy over the toilet in my bathroom. There will be streets, monuments, and buildings - all with my name on them. So cool. I got so excited I wrote a poem:

We are but nine days from kick-off time
And the King of ‘Bama is doing just fine.
Jester, Lester, Pumpkin Boy, and the Press
Are all dreaming ‘Bama is a mess.
Alas, the cupboard Is not empty.
And The King is in charge.
Perkinator was no fun, Curry had bricks;
Stallings is the man;
DuBose was clumsy, Aggie Boy ran;
Destiny Price nary coached a game;
Did Steak Boy ever "coach" a game?
Mal needed a great coach with a little class
And boy, did the $4m King save his ass.
After all is said and done
The question isn’t if, but how many,
Championships the Tide have won.
Where will my statue reside?
Probably next to Bear, purchased by the
Members of Tide Pride. Roll Bama.

Football Coach. King. Legend. Poet. I've got it all.

Take me home, West Virginia. Not.

It's early here in Tuscaloosa, but we've got to get up and get goin. We have a team on the other side of the state that we aim to dominate 365 days a year. And from the looks of recruiting, we're way ahead of schedule.

Anywho, I'm reading a snippet from West Virginia coach Rich Rodriguez this morning after Yoga and coffee. I started laughing my ass off when I read this quote: "He was later talking about how important communication is, not just on the field but in all facets of life, while making another reference to the Alabama job. An erroneous report on a Friday night in December had him turning in his native blue and gold for crimson and white.

‘‘That’s what bothered me about that Alabama situation — and by the way I didn’t know their pockets were that deep, Nick Saban found that out — there was a miscommunication,’’ he said."

Ok, Rich, you're full of it. I'm from Fairmont, which is right up the road. I can't believe you didn't take the 'Bama job and get the hell out of there. You know what the only good thing to come out of West Virginia is? I-81 South. That's right, you didn't know how big the pockets were in Tuscaloosa because you were too busy counting the change the booster club sent ya after you got 'Bama's offer. $4m deep. I don't think you're gonna make quite that much.

Yes, you accepted the offer and got cold feet. I handled it much better. I just said no comment until January. Moron. This is why I am King and on the cover of Sports Illustrated, while you're trying to get some mountain folk all excited about your team. How great would it be for us to meet during bowl week? Not great for you , I can say that. I have just about decided my team is loaded. Steak Boy was a bad coach, but he did leave a few recruits. Roll Bama.

Secret Meeting with Lester Miles

Sometimes I keep secrets. Come on, guys in my position – basically the Chairman of the Board if you get my drift – have to keep things close to the vest.

Anywho, after some light yoga and meditation this morning (this is how I control my anger towards the press), I ventured on over to Bryant Hall for an important meeting. I decided for the good of both our souls, states, and football programs we really needed to make peace. Ok, this is actually bullshit. One of Cajun Potty Mouth’s minions set the meeting up. Lester and a couple of his assistants were waiting on me when I arrived. Made him wait something like 12 minutes so that he knows I’m important.

“Nick,” says Cajun Potty Mouth. It’s already all I can do not to bite my own leg off, but I don’t say anything at this obvious disrespect by not addressing me in the proper way. “I’m hungry.”

Ok, so I take him over to the cafeteria. This is like the peace talks at Camp David. I lead him and his pack around to show I’m in control. We get back to my office, where he directs his assistants to sit and they all do like dogs following around their owner. I mean, seriously, it was pathetic. Guy ate a salad instead of sausage and eggs. Must be a wuss.

“So Nick, I think you know why I’m here.” Actually, I had no freaking idea. “Lester, what the hell do you want?”

“I was hoping Mike left you some direction here.” Steak Boy? Are you kidding me? “What we like to do here is called cooperation – see, if you’ll give me a copy of your spring playbook, I’ll be sure to send you one of ours sometime in November. We’ve done this with Mike for the last four years – everything except that part where we send him a copy of ours. But I’ll be sure to do that this year.”

The coffee I was drinking came spouting right out of my nose. “Are you friggin kidding me Lester? My staff and I have a word for this: ‘siuya.’”

He said he didn’t know what this meant, was it a foreign word or something. Of course Lester is stupid and spouts off at the mouth constantly, and is a moron, but I digress. “Lester, it means, Stick It Up Your Ass.”

Lester got all fired up. F-you this, F-you that. You’re a F-er. I mean it was real poetry. Then all of a sudden he was crying, I mean bawlin. “King Nick, I’ve been winning with your players, and the fans want to beat ‘Bama more than anything this year, and Pete Carrol is getting all this attention at USC, and you’re back in the conference, and ..” I will spare you the mellow-drama. It was sad and pathetic. And sad.

This year we will not be “trading playbooks” with any other staffs in the conference. Given the way my boys were man-handled last year, it’s the only explanation I have for that record. Ok, that and shitty coaching. My boys are not losers.

Lester. Jester. Pumpkin Boy. Siuya. Roll Bama.

Kenny Rogers - Singer or Reporter?

So as you may have figured out yesterday, I was pissed. I tell the press repeatedly there is no depth chart, then they go try to wrangle starting roles out of my boys. In my book they are all first stringers if they can make it through this stifling heat. I wish they would stop screwin around with the King's ways. I'm not exactly the pushover that Steak Boy was.

Shout out to my boy Kenny Rogers of the Dothan Eagle. Apparently when his entertainment career was over - which occurred somewhere between the movie "Six-Pack" and the song "Islands in the stream" - he converted to reporter for the Dothan Eagle. Not exactly the most respected profession, but in this case I think it was a step up.

I digress. Thanks Kenny for printing the entire statement I made yesterday about this depth chart thing - word for word. I don't know if you're trying to kiss my butt to get an interview, or if you were too lazy to actually write anything yourself, but I think it serves the purpose nonetheless. Roll Bama.

Pumpkin Boy is getting the band back together

Much love to Jim Bob from Opp, AL, for this snapshot of Pumpkinator getting ready for the season. That's right, you don't see a whistle around his neck or a football in his hands. Apparently Karma is catching up with Pumpkin Boy, so he's decided to ready himself for his next career: aging hillbilly rock star.

I hope he coaches at least long enough for the King to whip his butt in October. Dude, if Steak Boy could beat Pumpkinator, look out. The King is ready.

I wonder if Johnny Majors will sing back-up? Lord, I hope not. Walking through the Saban-Bryant Museum, it looks like the only song he knew was the classic, "When we gonna beat 'Bama?" It was a tear-jerker.

I'd love to see a version of Rocky Top. Pumpkin on guitar, Johnny on drums, and maybe Cockadoodle on voice. Coach Cajun Potty Mouth can write the lyrics. If they need a "face" for the band, I think Steak Boy might be available.

That sofa looks like it came from the 1970s. Along with that tie. Roll Bama.

Dennis Dodd - not so clever

It's true. The King makes $4m a year, and that's a lot of dough. Don't forget I took a pay cut to get out Fishville.

Some reporters think they are so clever. Dennis Dodd over at CBS Sportsline is getting all womanly today over his love for Boise State. They have a good year and everybody thinks they've become a power. Ok, from Dennis the Menace's article: "Nick Saban makes more per year ($4 million) than Boise State spends on football ($3.5 million). The point? Alabama had better win the Fiesta Bowl this season."

Hey, Dennis, Saban Field at Bryant Denny Stadium seats more fans in the bathrooms than Boise State seats in their whole stadium in a year. You do the math. You're probably one of the same geniuses who thought Steak Boy didn't get enough time to suck before he should have been fired.

Not only that, the national title isn't being played in Tempe. It's being played in New Orleans. Dumb ass.

I knight thee King Nick II

I'm the first to admit that I'm immortal. I will probably never leave the earth, and coach 'Bama football for the next 1,000 years - cause that's what Kings like Napoleon did. Still hard to believe France was ever in charge of anything. I'm pretty sure I could take some 'Bama Militia and own that place. Renaming the Eiffel Tower in my honor would be cool. Anyway, I digress.

Mal has some worries about my leaving before my contract is up. Mal, look at my history, and please tell me you're planning for this. Contract Boy sees this from a totally different perspective. He's getting something like 5% of $4m a year in management fees. I can't do that math in my head, but Contract Boy tells me that's about $1m a year. One of the reasons I love that guy so much is that he's so good with the numbers.

Anyway, it's the 21st century and stuff. And it seems like since I'm King, I should be able to clone myself. Come on, what's better than one King Nick? Bingo, two King Nicks. Rather than leaving Tuscaloosa when I decide to head to Lake Burton, I could just pull the Clone Boy out of the closet and put him on the sideline. Nobody would be the wiser. I'm King of the Football Universe, and such a genius too.

This seems like a win-win. I could leave immediately after the University renames the stadium in my honor for pulling this program out of the porta-potty Steak Boy left it in. Mal would have a plan for the next coach. King Saban II. Wow, I could save his ass for a second time. And Contract Boy doubles his fees to $3m a year. Roll Bama.

Let's look at the past. But quickly.

Yesterday afternoon I was in prime form. I spouted off some malarkey about us not being where we wanted to be yet. I think I could tell some of the reporters that the sky was purple and they'd believe me. Are we where we need to be to be the crap out of Western Carolina on Sept. 1? Of course. Are we ready to beat the next team on the schedule. Possibly, but let's take it one game at a time. It's hilarious, though. Every single reporter mentions in every practice article that practices are "closed to the public and the media." Fellas, this ain't about to change, so relax. I'm the King Football Coach, not Steak Boy. Kirk McNair said I "admonished reporters." Where do they get this stuff?

Mal told me I should take a little walk through the Bryant Museum to get a feel for the history here. Saban Museum I thought. Anyway, the first thing I did was take a look at the number of title's we've won. The best way I can figure is that it's somewhere between four and 13. We won the "Dunkel" title in 1934. Mal, what the hell is that? The "Houlgate" "Berryman?" Ok, Mal, this sounds like a bunch of baloney. I do see where my Spartans screwed the Tide in 1966 by not taking out Notre Dame. Bear called that one of his best teams ever.

Wow, Bear nearly took the Fish job in 1970. Just like me. We are god-like twins.

Let's see. Beat the yang out of Auburn for nine straight years. More national titles without the word "Dunkel" in them. Liberty Bowl. Perkinator. Bill Curry? What? They hired that ESPN blow hard to coach here after he sucked at Georgia Tech? They let a Tech boy coach here? Hell, they should have thrown a brick in the Athletic Director's Office.

Ahh, then Bebes. Love that guy. He's the one who told me I could have all kinds of stuff with my name on it if I came here and coached a while. At least for a couple of years. National title, again. NCAA probation. Retirement. Interesting turn of events.

Mike DuBose. Boy they sure do like coaches that suck named "Mike." Wow, even he won an SEC Championship. Had to love that look on Cockadoodle's face when he lost to 'Bama twice that year. Something about a secretary has been smeared out. Mal, what is this?

Aggie Boy. That guy talked funny. Did he talk right from his nose? Of course that was the last time before this year that 'Bama beat Auburn. Yikes. I bet the coaches have really turned over since then. Looks like he is having excellent luck at Texas A&M.

Mike Price. Record 0-0. Weird, somebody must have made a typo. His name is Mike so I'm sure he sucked. But given that every coach who comes through here is destined to win some games, maybe he went 10-0 or something. See where he is at that football power UTEP.

Mike Shula. Another Mike? Mal, were you here for all these crappy hires? How are you still working here? Oh yeah, I saved your ass myself. Steak Boy was pretty, but he couldn't coach worth a damn. Spent too much time at those blasted alumnoid functions. "Got Shula?" Oh my , you would think they could come up with something better than that. Of course Pappa Steak Boy seems to be losing it; he was more than a little upset when I quit his beloved Fish to take the job his son had just been canned from. I think Bear would have wanted it that way. He was a King just like me.

So much history, so little time. I wonder where they are going to build my wing to this puppy. Lord knows even one year of me will be better than some of these yahoos. Might be time to head over to the Cafe for breakfast. Roll Bama.

Down on the sideline

I know you guys are just dying to know what's shaking down here on the sideline. Since I'm King, I closed all practices to the public. Can't have those spies from Jesterville or Pumpkinville spyin on my team. But it is my first scrimmage of the fall, so I'll give ya'll the scoop.

We've just unveiled the wishbone. Figured it worked for the Bear, so certainly it can work for me. Maybe we'll go to white shoes and white helmets too. Ha, gotcha. Those things are hideous. Can't believe the Perkinator even tried that stuff back in the 80s. Ranked right up there with his decision to pull down The Tower. I'd like to give him some cred, but he went on to coach the Tampa Bay Succaneers when they played in those butt-ugly uniforms. Even worse than my decision to coach the Fish. Anybody seen him lately?

Seriously, though, the move of Jimmy to fullback seems to be working nicely. That dude has great hands, and I don't know how anybody can bring him down when he hits the open field. Gosh I hope he's that good and our defense isn't that bad. Mr. BMOC better keep going to class if he wants to play.

Wow, this is like heaven. Saban Field at Bryant-Denny Stadium. I'm looking around the stadium right now where all my admirers will be come September 1. I didn't major in math, but that's only three weeks from today. I can't believe Steak Boy blew this gig. People buy me lunch, get my coffee, and generally kiss my butt. Of course that's the press, but the fans are pretty slick too. They send me all kinds of crap to sign - one guy even pulled the door off his motor home and FedExed it to campus for me to autograph. Signed, Sincerely Yours, King of the 'Bama nation, King Saban. Must be pretty drafty in his house right now.

Mal, it's damn hot out here. Tell Paul Jr. to get me some lemonade. Pronto. Roll Bama.