Letter to my former Fish Players

As you know, I've been on the feel-good tour since early July, and it;s paid off with some excellent television and newspaper coverage. Contract Boy and Mal both say I did good, but they are looking for more. They want more? Bingo, I'll write a letter to my former Fishes. But only those that played for me, screw the rest of 'em. I thought my loyal fans should read this to. It doubles the impact of goodwill.

Dear Fishes-

As you know, I had to get out of town rather abruptly last January - there were thousands of people waiting at the T-Town airport for me, and if I had waited another day many of them might have passed out from the beverages they were consuming. It wasn't about me, it was about them.

I want to almost apologize for getting the hell out of Miami. I mean, we were really on a roll, and we might have gone 8-8 this year with all the talent we had coming back. But I must be honest. You guys actually kinda suck. And so does the NFL. I'm the coach, but you guys make so much money that you truly don't give a crap what I tell you. "We're all adults," you tell me. But then I have to chase running backs to other continents only to find out that they are pulling a Beatles on me and just getting higher than a kite. Not so grown up.

So you have that new coach. You'll have a new system. It'll be great. While you're trying to get to 6-10 and blaming me for your sorry ass season, the King will be running the Crimson Ship towards greatness. We're gonna play in some kind of cool bowl better than Shreveport or Memphis.

Peace out. And any Auburn players on the Fish team, Siuya.

Roll Bama.

I wasn't gonna do this

Ok, I have to be self-indulgent. I never do this. But do you have the feeling I'm the next Elvis? Heck, I couldn't believe the reception I got when I landed in Tuscaloosa back in January. Got a kiss from some little miss hottie in a 'Bama jersey. I wonder why she hasn't called?

Then there was the spring football scrimmage. Wait, Mal says call it a game. I'll be dang if 92,000 people didn't show up for that thing. I don't think we drew that many folks in a season at Toledo.

So I went away, and tried to do some nice guy interviews to cool down the jets of the press. Mal made me. Well, "made' would be a strong word since I run this place now. He kindly suggested it while signing my $32 million contract. But I did fix it for the future, cause I limited the number of times I will do those fru-fru alumnoid functions in my contract. Damnit, I'm a football coach.

Well, those nice-guy interviews must have worked. When I arrived at SEC media days, I was like a rock star. Hell, the Beatles and Elvis ain't got nothin on me in this state. They are so starved for a winner here. Anyway, I was definitely the bell of the ball. I had the national media dudes eating out of my hands. Even the ones who keep sayin I lied to them when I left Miami. Morons.