My Staff makes some cash - just like the King

So I'm sitting on the "throne" this morning doing a little light reading. I get a few of the sports pages from newspapers around the state. It seems everybody's a bit excited about my staff being the highest paid in the league. They all found out "through an open records request." It sounds official when newspapers say that. What it means is they sent some poor kid making $5.25 an hour over to the courthouse to spend some time diggin through papers. Poor schlep.

Ok, Dick Tracy's of the Alabama Press Corp., yes, my staff is the highest paid. Why did this take an open records request? I'm the King, and make more dinero than any coach in college football. So, my staff is also the highest paid in the SEC. I told ya'll I was intent on hiring the best staff possible. Mal didn't just give me keys to the kingdom, he game me a blank check. Actually, he gave me a lot of blank checks. We want to win today, not five years from now. And yes, young Applewood makes more than the offensive coordinator under Steak Boy. They scored, like, never in the red zone. Did you see the holes open up for Grant last Saturday? Exactly.

Roll Bama.

Oh, Stop it Tom

Did you see this article from Tom Dienhart over at Sporting News? Holy crap, this dude is so far up my ass his pencil is coming out my nose.

As part of the good-will press tour this past summer, I did have a chat with Tom to let him know I would be King, and he better stop the mean talking and start kissing my butt. Check out this quote:

"But, hey, it's really not fair being Nick Saban right now. The guy has the world by the tail and legendary status at his feet."

It's true, I do have legendary status at my feet. Tom, great butt-kissing material. You get the first interview after we manhandle the old fart at Florida State.

Roll Bama.

Nice Article in Selma Times Journal

It's true that I'm in charge, and the King, but it's almost like I'm writing these articles myself. Check this one out from George Jones of the Selma Times Journal . No shit, his name is George Jones. Wonder if he is related to the singer. Anyway, a clip from his article:

"A big win, a rendition of "Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer" that wasn't the best I've seen but still very good and the ongoing love fest for the new Crimson Tide coach made for heckuva way to start the college football season. One game down, 11 (or is it 12 or 13) to go?"

Exactly, George, it was a heckuva way to start the season. Great butt-kissing material. You could get an interview. And yes, we assume that the season extends far beyond the Auburn game. It's the process that makes us champions.

Roll Bama.

Coaches Corner: Letter from Lester

I cannot get enough of being King of Tuscaloosa. After Saturday night, you would think we had won the national championship. Folks, it's all about process. And looking sharp doing it. Anywho, I found this letter in my in-box this morning. I think we'll start a new feature called "Coaches Corner" cause I get email from coaches every week looking to be as Kingly as myself. On to this week's segment:

Dear King Nicholas-

First, congrats on the big win. It looked more like a coronation than a football game.

As you know, I've been under a lot of pressure coaching your players after you won a national title and left town. I know, I could have had the 'Bama job before you, but that place was a mess back then. I've been popping Rolaids like candy just trying to get through this year - first, I took a swipe at Pete Carroll for the Pathetic -10 schedule, then Cal whips Tennessee. Next I told a bunch of people to F--- Bama cause you coach there now and I feel the heat. This week we have Virginia Tech - but what's really on my mind is that Michigan job. Lloyd Carr is toast after letting App State shock the world. I played at Michigan, and met my wife there, and want to get the hell out of your neck of the woods (at least until you take the Notre Dame job). How do I act like I'm not thinking about that job, yet secure a long term deal for $33 million?

Sincerely,
Your Friend in Coaching,
Les Miles

So this is like Dear Abby, only with people who aren't losers. Ok, that's not true entirely, I just got this note from Lester. So, here's my reply.

To: Les Miles
Bcc: LSU Alumni Groups, LSU President, LSU AD

Dear Lester,

First, thanks for at least recognizing I'm in control. Yes, it was a coronation fit for a King Saban. And F-You too. I'm not your damn friend in coaching, but I think I can help you here. Been there, done that.

Lester, you should start telling people you plain want the Michigan job. Now. Why wait? I mean, tell everybody. The press, your boss, the recruits, your wife, your dog. I know you have a big game this weekend, but the press already thinks you're negotiating anyway. Bastards. So tell them all you want the Michigan job more than anything, cause you "want to go home." The press will eat that alumni-I love Michigan-crap right up. Just make sure Michigan wants you, or the LSU folks will run you out of Baton Rouge before Halloween. Come to think of it, they may do that anyway. It will be like I told them of this letter, but didn't. Go get a U-Haul. Now.

Kingly Yours,
Nick Saban

Roll Bama.

Sunday morning Sabamoca

Well, well, well. It was quite a Saturday on the gridiron. The King had a huge day, and the Jester nearly wet himself. I think there were nearly as many fans outside the stadium hoping for a glimpse of me as there were fans in it. Let's review the day's activities.

First, the important stuff. Did ya'll notice those cool 'Bama shirts we were all wearing on the sidelines? Yeah, you guessed it, the King picked that out himself. I wanted to wear Birks with the pants, but nobody - including Terry - thought this was a good idea.

Appalachian State? Are you kidding me? The ESPN blowhards kept saying how they really were a championship team, even though they came from a lower level. But are you serious? Did any of this press dudes pick Appy State before kickoff? Hell no. The press are sheep. Again.

Pumpkin Boy got his ass kicked out in Berkeley. You know, on the one hand I wanted them to beat Cal for SEC supremacy, but on the other, it was pretty nice to see the Big Orange do the Big Flop. Somebody just turned up the heat in Knoxville.

Notre Dame sucks. Somebody schedule them for us immediately.

Auburn. Jester looked like he was about to wet his pants late in the fourth quarter. Can you imagine if they had actually lost? I heard the Auburn Board of Trustees was already warming the plane for a coaching search. If Kansas State can nearly pull the upset, I'm looking forward to our little visit over there already.

The Western Carolina Catamawhos did a great job .... playing road kill. I told ya, there would be all kinds of ceremonies, and one major butt-kicking. I wasn't even far off on the score prediction. #29, whatever his name is, did a great job. That first touchdown was pretty electrifying. Sabamania was, well, Sabamania. Get out the straw hats baby.

Mal said I should do something nice for their coach. So I signed a football with the score on it and sent it his way. Gosh, that thing will be worth a fortune, so I hope he hangs on to it. He didn't seem as happy at receiving it as I was to give it.

Saban Field at Bryant-Denny Stadium. Roll Bama.

Busy Busy Busy Week

Wow, it's the moment we've all waited for. The King's official coming out party in Tuscaloosa. This week is special in so many ways, but it's truly been exhausting.

On Monday, I did my first Game Week press conference for the press dudes. They were eatin my words up quicker than a wiener dog on kibbles and bits. I threw out a depth chart - funny, it got met with all kinds of comments from the press like "no surprise here," etc. Those guys are so full of it. I totally treated them like mushrooms all fall camp - kept them in the dark and fed them crap. It's just another form of Crimson Carma. I've been on fire since SI hit the news stands.

Unfortunately I had to suspend a couple of players. Thought I should get that out of the way. Folks, we're playing Western Carosomebody this weekend. My grandmother could suit up and outrun the Catamarans. We'll be fine. I'm predicting a large margin of victory for the ESPN Gameplan audience. Anywho, I'll give a more detailed breakdown of the game later this week.

I also have to admit I've been a bit naughty. But Lester is so much fun to screw with that I couldn't help it. Ok, don't tell him, but this is what I did. I spent the weekend over in Starkville with Sly Croom. I figure that guy really deserves a break. You could argue that he got one when he beat Steak Boy in T-town last November, but my arrival has made that pretty meaningless.

So I don't know if you've heard, but Sly's Bulldogs are playing LSU at home on that truly awesomely terrible sports journalism network - ESPN, on Thursday night.

After I wrapped up game planning for Western Carowhoever in late July, I started working with Sly's staff on the side. Needless to say, we've put in a number of special wrinkles for the LSU game. Holy crap, I'd love to see Lester drop about 15 F-Bombs late in the 4th quarter Thursday night, down by about three touchdowns.

I just sent Paul Jr. out to the 7-Eleven for some water. I think he can handle the task. He's almost come to realize that I don't work for him, so we've made some great strides already this fall.

Roll Bama.

Opening Day: An Ode to Greatness

During my morning jog, I began to think of the upcoming season. I get all teary-eyed thinking of the Legend I'm about to become here. Thinking of the cover of Sports Illustrated. Gotta put a framed copy over the toilet in my bathroom. There will be streets, monuments, and buildings - all with my name on them. So cool. I got so excited I wrote a poem:

We are but nine days from kick-off time
And the King of ‘Bama is doing just fine.
Jester, Lester, Pumpkin Boy, and the Press
Are all dreaming ‘Bama is a mess.
Alas, the cupboard Is not empty.
And The King is in charge.
Perkinator was no fun, Curry had bricks;
Stallings is the man;
DuBose was clumsy, Aggie Boy ran;
Destiny Price nary coached a game;
Did Steak Boy ever "coach" a game?
Mal needed a great coach with a little class
And boy, did the $4m King save his ass.
After all is said and done
The question isn’t if, but how many,
Championships the Tide have won.
Where will my statue reside?
Probably next to Bear, purchased by the
Members of Tide Pride. Roll Bama.

Football Coach. King. Legend. Poet. I've got it all.

Check it out, I'm on the cover of SI

Looks like all this "good will press tour" is really paying some dividends. Crap, check it out, I'm on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

Much love to the writer (a Bama journalism professor, Mal says this is just fine). Check out this quote. “They have welcomed him as Caesar, as pharaoh, and paid him enough money to burn a wet dog. Now he will take them forward by taking them back to the glory of their past -- the 21 Southeastern Conference championships, the 12 national championships, the Team of the 20th Century (as The Wall Street Journal called the Crimson Tide in 2000).

“Saban has not promised them so much -- 'I don’t believe in predictions,’ he says -- but they believe. It may take two years, three, more, to be in the discussion again when people talk about the best teams in college football. But they know he will take them home."

I don't know about burning wet dogs - that's more a Michael Vick thing - but I do like being called Caesar and pharaoh. I may need to get one of those togas like Bluto was wearing in Animal House. The picture is very good, as it gets me in my vest and straw hat right in the middle of that ridiculous heat. Somewhere in the background is Paul Jr. getting me some lemonade.

Much Bama love to the journalist, Rick Bragg. This is fantastic butt-kissing material. Rick, I'll be leaving you a sideline pass. Please call Mal to pick it up. And Cecil, Rick is your example. Step it up.

If this doesn't give you some sense of how in control I am I don't know what does. This school went from laughing stock to the cover of SI in nine months. Free advertising. $4m bucks? A bargain. I am the King. Everybody get on my shoulders, cause we're marching back to national prominence. Siuya Jester, Pumpkin, Lester, and all others not on the train. Roll Bama.

I'm on the Peace-out Tour

Much as been made recently of the attempts to "better my image." It's such a load of crap. Mal says I should be nice. But actually, I think being a bigger-than-life horse's ass is the way to go - isn't that what Bear did? I mean, come on, I'm not smoking or drinking bourbon. Much.

Anywho, as part of my tour, I did a sleep-in nakedness with the press and some of my colleagues last week. I call this photo, "King Saban, ruler of all things." Pretty catchy. If you look closely, to the left, you can see me right next to the Jester. Well, not to close, if you get my meanin. That dude smells funny.

It was really a special moment. Me, Jester, Cecil Hurt, and Ivan Maisel. Lester wanted to go, but I told him he'd have to wait for the next global calamity before I let that happen. Mal asked to join too, but yikes, there's only so much nakedness one can endure. You know, I just couldn't help it. Right after this shot, I put on my straw hat and ran across the meadow yelling, "I'm King of the World."

Roll Bama.

Some Arrest Stuff

Had a little layoff over the weekend from updating all my fans. Mal's lawyers wanted to make sure my public diary was on the up and up. Made Paul Jr. get me a few cold ones Saturday afternoon since I'm in charge and all.

Tried to get some rest over the weekend, but I get this damn phone call the other night from one of Tuscaloosa's finest. He tells me one of my boys has been arrested on the strip. "What for?" I ask.

"Apparently, he was talking to some friends and wouldn't go to bed."

Ok, so we got that kid at Notre Dame was transporting liquor. Catholic Boy said that was an "honest mistake." Boys at Tennessee are abusing the "substance policy." Boys at Auburn can't spell. Ok, that's not against the law, but maybe it should be.

Seriously, I can't believe how much press this gets. It was even on ESPN.com. That's right, the same channel that thought 'Bama was an afterthought a year ago is now covering midnight incidents in Tuscaloosa, AL. Must suck to be them.

Here's my official statement. Who gives a ratt's ass. My all-world defensive back will run about a gazillion wind sprints over the next month, and sit out the first series against Western Carolina. Done. Roll Bama.

The Press is in Dire Need

They are in dire need of something, let me tell you. The Press all act as if they "know" exactly what's going on with my team. If they knew so damn much, maybe they'd be making $4m a year instead of stirring up the commoners with their two-bit columns.

Let's take Cecil Hurt. Nice enough fellow, but damn. Check this out from his column today: "When watching practice, even in small doses, and trying to form a preseason opinion about the upcoming year’s team, it’s often helpful to try to form some comparison of the current team with some of its predecessors.

Like snowflakes, no two teams are identical. (Who thought that there could be a snowflake reference to Tuesday’s practice?)

Over the course of the last few days, based not only on limited practice observation but also on scrimmage reviews and statistics and, most importantly, the comments of coach Nick Saban, there seems to be parallels between this team and other Tide teams of the past. The fact is, it appears that this team is going to have to rely heavily on offensive production to win games. That’s because the defensive talent, relative to the other teams in the league, may be at a low level that hasn’t been seen since 1969.

The previous paragraph is going to require a good bit of explication."

Cecil, buddy, "explication"? What the hell is that? Two teams like a "snowflake"? Are you kiddin? I'm not letting you anywhere near my boys again until you take off your skirt. This team has nothing to do with 2006, or 1992 or 1969 or 1892. For one, I wasn't here then. For two, I wasn't here then. And for three, how can you draw that conclusion when I don't even let you watch practice?

Let me repeat: we don't have a depth chart. My boys are not the losers they looked like a year ago. Coaching matters. Cecil, this wasn't very good butt-kissing material. Siuya. You're gonna have to run laps for the next interview. I've got the Jester across the state, and you're making a strong case for Village Idiot. Gotta go get my Saban Moca. Roll Bama.

Kenny Rogers - Singer or Reporter?

So as you may have figured out yesterday, I was pissed. I tell the press repeatedly there is no depth chart, then they go try to wrangle starting roles out of my boys. In my book they are all first stringers if they can make it through this stifling heat. I wish they would stop screwin around with the King's ways. I'm not exactly the pushover that Steak Boy was.

Shout out to my boy Kenny Rogers of the Dothan Eagle. Apparently when his entertainment career was over - which occurred somewhere between the movie "Six-Pack" and the song "Islands in the stream" - he converted to reporter for the Dothan Eagle. Not exactly the most respected profession, but in this case I think it was a step up.

I digress. Thanks Kenny for printing the entire statement I made yesterday about this depth chart thing - word for word. I don't know if you're trying to kiss my butt to get an interview, or if you were too lazy to actually write anything yourself, but I think it serves the purpose nonetheless. Roll Bama.

Finebaum asks the question

And the King has the answers....

From the Paul column today: "However, if you listen to some of the experts, you might think Tuberville has already begun to wave the white flag in surrender. Regardless of the rhetoric, and it's worth pointing out that national signing day isn't until Feb. 5, 2008, the question begs asking: Has the pendulum already shifted and is there anything Auburn can really do about it?"

From The King: Paul, I don't know what a pendulum is, but the obvious answer is that there is nothing the Jester can do about 'Bama's return to its rightful place in this state. Game over. Why don't you just call me before you print this crap? It makes you look weak and scrawny. Did you get beat up a lot in the school yard?

I will say that you did have a nice quote in there about Auburn feeling like the red-headed step child to Alabama during the 1970s when we won something like 35 games in a row over those guys. The Bear was in charge. I'm in charge. I'm looking forward to making Auburn our beeatch again.

All in all, Paul, you do a pretty nice job of kissing my butt. I will join you on your show one day soon. Roll Bama.

Dennis Dodd - not so clever

It's true. The King makes $4m a year, and that's a lot of dough. Don't forget I took a pay cut to get out Fishville.

Some reporters think they are so clever. Dennis Dodd over at CBS Sportsline is getting all womanly today over his love for Boise State. They have a good year and everybody thinks they've become a power. Ok, from Dennis the Menace's article: "Nick Saban makes more per year ($4 million) than Boise State spends on football ($3.5 million). The point? Alabama had better win the Fiesta Bowl this season."

Hey, Dennis, Saban Field at Bryant Denny Stadium seats more fans in the bathrooms than Boise State seats in their whole stadium in a year. You do the math. You're probably one of the same geniuses who thought Steak Boy didn't get enough time to suck before he should have been fired.

Not only that, the national title isn't being played in Tempe. It's being played in New Orleans. Dumb ass.

Let's look at the past. But quickly.

Yesterday afternoon I was in prime form. I spouted off some malarkey about us not being where we wanted to be yet. I think I could tell some of the reporters that the sky was purple and they'd believe me. Are we where we need to be to be the crap out of Western Carolina on Sept. 1? Of course. Are we ready to beat the next team on the schedule. Possibly, but let's take it one game at a time. It's hilarious, though. Every single reporter mentions in every practice article that practices are "closed to the public and the media." Fellas, this ain't about to change, so relax. I'm the King Football Coach, not Steak Boy. Kirk McNair said I "admonished reporters." Where do they get this stuff?

Mal told me I should take a little walk through the Bryant Museum to get a feel for the history here. Saban Museum I thought. Anyway, the first thing I did was take a look at the number of title's we've won. The best way I can figure is that it's somewhere between four and 13. We won the "Dunkel" title in 1934. Mal, what the hell is that? The "Houlgate" "Berryman?" Ok, Mal, this sounds like a bunch of baloney. I do see where my Spartans screwed the Tide in 1966 by not taking out Notre Dame. Bear called that one of his best teams ever.

Wow, Bear nearly took the Fish job in 1970. Just like me. We are god-like twins.

Let's see. Beat the yang out of Auburn for nine straight years. More national titles without the word "Dunkel" in them. Liberty Bowl. Perkinator. Bill Curry? What? They hired that ESPN blow hard to coach here after he sucked at Georgia Tech? They let a Tech boy coach here? Hell, they should have thrown a brick in the Athletic Director's Office.

Ahh, then Bebes. Love that guy. He's the one who told me I could have all kinds of stuff with my name on it if I came here and coached a while. At least for a couple of years. National title, again. NCAA probation. Retirement. Interesting turn of events.

Mike DuBose. Boy they sure do like coaches that suck named "Mike." Wow, even he won an SEC Championship. Had to love that look on Cockadoodle's face when he lost to 'Bama twice that year. Something about a secretary has been smeared out. Mal, what is this?

Aggie Boy. That guy talked funny. Did he talk right from his nose? Of course that was the last time before this year that 'Bama beat Auburn. Yikes. I bet the coaches have really turned over since then. Looks like he is having excellent luck at Texas A&M.

Mike Price. Record 0-0. Weird, somebody must have made a typo. His name is Mike so I'm sure he sucked. But given that every coach who comes through here is destined to win some games, maybe he went 10-0 or something. See where he is at that football power UTEP.

Mike Shula. Another Mike? Mal, were you here for all these crappy hires? How are you still working here? Oh yeah, I saved your ass myself. Steak Boy was pretty, but he couldn't coach worth a damn. Spent too much time at those blasted alumnoid functions. "Got Shula?" Oh my , you would think they could come up with something better than that. Of course Pappa Steak Boy seems to be losing it; he was more than a little upset when I quit his beloved Fish to take the job his son had just been canned from. I think Bear would have wanted it that way. He was a King just like me.

So much history, so little time. I wonder where they are going to build my wing to this puppy. Lord knows even one year of me will be better than some of these yahoos. Might be time to head over to the Cafe for breakfast. Roll Bama.

Don't writers usually kiss my butt?

Ok, it's been a pretty hectic day. Let me get right to it before heading over to The Globe for a beverage and some dinner. Don't worry, Mal has already given me the "don't be Mike Price" speech. Dude, my destiny is to win the title, not end up coaching at UTEP.

First, the scrimmage was a real fun time. While dreaming of renaming the field, we got some serious work done. John Wilson Parker had a fantastic afternoon. Jimmy had a few nice catches. And no, I'm not passing out a new version of the depth chart.

Then I had this article sent to me... Cary Estes, a "freelance" (read: unemployed) writer form Birmingham, put some crap online at MSNBC.com. Doesn't he understand this will forever keep him out of the press box at Bryant-Saban-Denny-Stadium?

Anyway, last January he writes eloquently about my being an SOB - true dat, I really can't argue with that notion. I'm definitely a son-of-a-bitch. Let me quote the young Estes from that article: "Enter Saban. The issue here is not with Saban’s record. He went 48-16 during five seasons at LSU, capturing two SEC crowns and the 2003 BCS national championship. Plus, he managed to beat Auburn twice." Not bad stuff, definitely butt-kissing material.

Then I get this article published today where he wonders why I get more press than anything not a deity in these parts. Something about my record not being worthy of the attention. Quoting Young Estes: "What is questionable is whether his record indicates that he is worth all the hoopla and the moolah ($32 million over eight years)." Cary, Gary, whatever, this is not exactly kissing my ass.

Hey Gary, which is it? Ohh, I see, you get to play both ways with the numbers depending on what you're writing. Here's a number for ya: zero. That's the number of interviews you'll get this year. And given the economic impact I've already had on this town, I'm more than worth $4m a year. That's why I'm the King. Gary, don't forget to get your "Sabanation" t-shirt, it's the closest you'll get to this Crimson royalty. Roll Bama.

Down on the sideline

I know you guys are just dying to know what's shaking down here on the sideline. Since I'm King, I closed all practices to the public. Can't have those spies from Jesterville or Pumpkinville spyin on my team. But it is my first scrimmage of the fall, so I'll give ya'll the scoop.

We've just unveiled the wishbone. Figured it worked for the Bear, so certainly it can work for me. Maybe we'll go to white shoes and white helmets too. Ha, gotcha. Those things are hideous. Can't believe the Perkinator even tried that stuff back in the 80s. Ranked right up there with his decision to pull down The Tower. I'd like to give him some cred, but he went on to coach the Tampa Bay Succaneers when they played in those butt-ugly uniforms. Even worse than my decision to coach the Fish. Anybody seen him lately?

Seriously, though, the move of Jimmy to fullback seems to be working nicely. That dude has great hands, and I don't know how anybody can bring him down when he hits the open field. Gosh I hope he's that good and our defense isn't that bad. Mr. BMOC better keep going to class if he wants to play.

Wow, this is like heaven. Saban Field at Bryant-Denny Stadium. I'm looking around the stadium right now where all my admirers will be come September 1. I didn't major in math, but that's only three weeks from today. I can't believe Steak Boy blew this gig. People buy me lunch, get my coffee, and generally kiss my butt. Of course that's the press, but the fans are pretty slick too. They send me all kinds of crap to sign - one guy even pulled the door off his motor home and FedExed it to campus for me to autograph. Signed, Sincerely Yours, King of the 'Bama nation, King Saban. Must be pretty drafty in his house right now.

Mal, it's damn hot out here. Tell Paul Jr. to get me some lemonade. Pronto. Roll Bama.

Let's turn up the heat

Folks, we started two-a-days. This morning when we hit the field it was already hot enough to fry some Tiger meat on the pavement. My boys sure are working hard. None of them puked this morning, so they are getting in better shape. We'll see how they perform this afternoon when the temperature hits 100 degrees.

By the way, I still wear the vest in this heat. Makes me feel in control.

Threw everybody a bone with a depth chart. Mal says I need to do this to keep the fan base energized. Decided I would play with their minds and talk about the old 49ers and Jimmy Johns at fullback. I'm not sure Jimmy will hit the field this fall, but it sure made for some good fodder at the local barber shop.

Got a kick out of reading Cecil Hurt's article at the Tuscaloosa News this morning. Doesn't he get that I don't like the press - especially brown nosers? He really laid it on thick in his morning column. Talked about the enjoyable aspects to covering the "rapid-fire workings of the Saban mind." Did you get that out of a romance novel? What the heck. I just talk, and these guys lap it up like cats over milk. Cecil, buddy, we're never gonna be friends, so stop trying so hard. You'll not get the scoop ahead of anybody else.

I wasn't gonna do this

Ok, I have to be self-indulgent. I never do this. But do you have the feeling I'm the next Elvis? Heck, I couldn't believe the reception I got when I landed in Tuscaloosa back in January. Got a kiss from some little miss hottie in a 'Bama jersey. I wonder why she hasn't called?

Then there was the spring football scrimmage. Wait, Mal says call it a game. I'll be dang if 92,000 people didn't show up for that thing. I don't think we drew that many folks in a season at Toledo.

So I went away, and tried to do some nice guy interviews to cool down the jets of the press. Mal made me. Well, "made' would be a strong word since I run this place now. He kindly suggested it while signing my $32 million contract. But I did fix it for the future, cause I limited the number of times I will do those fru-fru alumnoid functions in my contract. Damnit, I'm a football coach.

Well, those nice-guy interviews must have worked. When I arrived at SEC media days, I was like a rock star. Hell, the Beatles and Elvis ain't got nothin on me in this state. They are so starved for a winner here. Anyway, I was definitely the bell of the ball. I had the national media dudes eating out of my hands. Even the ones who keep sayin I lied to them when I left Miami. Morons.