Some Cajun Hunting

Much love to Cindy Lou from Baton Rouge for this shot. I feel like there is much to say about this photo, but I'm guessin the picture says it all.

By the way, did ya'll hear that comment I made about the upcoming game "being all about the players" and not about the coaches at all? Ok, that is crap. I wanted to say the right thing. Mal said I should. But truthfully, for my own self gratification, I hope we kick LSU's ass. How great would it be to take LSU players and beat 'Bama 3 years ago, then turn around and beat those LSU players with my 'Bama kids on November 3? Says something about my great coaching.

I hope Les Miles goes for about 8 first downs on fourth down in a couple of weeks.

Roll Bama.

Attention Fans

Ok, I'm only gonna say this once. Cause Mal says I need to say something about class. Don't throw crap at the opponents - even if they act like they've won only one championship ever, and are acting like they are humping each other wildly in your direction. It's best just to let them finish. And to whoever threw the Jim Beam, at least finish the stuff before letting the bottle go.

For gosh sakes, we're not Auburn. Cause if we were, we would have pulled out the fire hoses.

And to Georgia fans chanting "we want Florida" after the game: really? Haven't you guys only beaten them twice in about 100 years? Folks, they have a linebacker playing QB.

Roll Bama.

Sunday Morning After: Spike the Sabamoca

Comrades, legions of fans, disreputable journalists: yes, I have to admit, the loss last night to Georgia was a tough one to swallow. But before we let the media tell us "we told you so," let's take a moment to reflect on where we are, and where we're going:

Then:
'Bama finished 6-7 last year, and had no comeback wins in six years
Talk of Championships had been replaced with talks of thumbs and strip clubs

Now:
We're 3-1, sit second in the SEC West, and still control our own destiny to an SEC title
Our expectations are focused on what we want from our team on the field
This is a building block to a championship

In a sense, I'm glad that 'Bama nation hurts so much this morning. It means that the football team matters, and that we now expect to win versus hoping to win.

Interesting read by Pat Forde this morning, the ESPN super genius. While I was reading his column this morning while firmly perched on the porcelain throne, I had to get a good chuckle out of his article. Last fall he got pissed because we didn't let him scoop that I was coming to 'Bama. He then called me a "Liar" in his January column after I took the job - apparently Forde tells ESPN every time he interviews with a competing news service. This morning he seems to take glee in his column that Sabanation and my coronation as King will have to wait. Even though it's clear I'm King already, and things at 'Bama are different now. Moron.

Attention Pat Forde and other journalists who seem to take some strange joy in the people of Alabama feeling a bit hurt after this loss: 'Bama is back. We're 3-1 with an OT loss to Georgia. Before the season most of you "pundits" thought we'd finish fourth in the division behind LSU, Arkansas, and Auburn. Have you even looked at the standings this morning? And by the way, have you sniffed your way around the Houston Nutt leaves Arkansas, Tommy Tuberville takes his place, and Les Miles goes to Michigan stories? Are they all liars too, or is this journalistic morals by convenience?

Pat Forde, get out of your hypocritical pulpit - either become a journalist, or stop insulting the rest of the profession by calling yourself one. Friends of Sabanator (FoS), you can reach Pat Forde at ESPN4D@aol.com. Tell him King Saban said to kiss his.... ok, Mal said to stop.

The Georgia game is now history. Let's get ready for Florida State. King out.

Roll Bama.

Game Day: Georgia

The mystery is solved. The Dawgs closed their practices this week because I worked for Belichick. Mark, you're so clever to have figured that out. It did make getting our cameras and microphones into their huddles a bit more challenging. But we finally just offered the waterboy $10 bucks and he snapped this shot.

All you can say is "wow." The Georgia team has decided that arranging little dudes on the electric football table is the way to go. Mark, you seem swuft, but I can tell you Gilberry is gonna get to Stafford a whole lot quicker than the electric end.

The other item of note is all the moaning by Georgia fans about the 6:45 pm start. Are you kidding me? Focusing on spyin and game times ain't gonna get it done for Georgia. What about some focus on the game itself?

Folks, it's electric here in Tuscaloosa. GameDay is set-up over near the stadium. You can hear the ESPN dudes doing their thing, and there is the distinct smell of bourbon in the air. It's not even noon. Reminds me of Baton Rouge, except we've won a bunch more titles here.

All I will say about last week is that it was last week. It's time to continue this march towards a championship. If you thought you saw wrinkles from us against Arkansas, you ain't seen nothing yet. I was so inspired by watching Jester's collapse last week against Mississippi State that I came up with some fun stuff for the Dawgs.

I'm expecting the crowd to be louder than it ever has. I don't think the Dawgs will try to distract us with circus tricks as Mal said earlier this week, but check out this shot of Richy Richt. Clown-like? Expect us to get up on the Dawgs early, and deliver the knock-out punch. Looks like he had a V-8.

Ok, I'm finishing getting ready. Believe it or not, I've agreed to go get interviewed by Corso and Company over on ESPN GameDay. I've had my coffee, I'm dressed in the suit, and am ready to go continue this feel-good tour that started three weeks ago. Terry says this is not about football today. It's about Carma. Crimson Carma.

Roll Bama.

Game preview coming; King Saban in AJC this morning

So I'm drinking my Sunday morning Sabamoca on Saturday morning. You know, I feel like a champion today. The press not only has stopped calling me a liar, they've gotten on the 'Bama bandwagon and see me as the next coming of the Bear. Did you see the article in the Atlanta-Journal Constitution this morning about the King Saban blog? Holy crap. My butt is getting smooched more than a monkey in heat.

So here's how it went down. Right after I made Corso do wind sprints to get an interview, the AJC wanted to send Barnhart into the interview room - again. I had already chatted this guy up, and frankly was a little over it. But the AJC insisted. They said, ok, what about Furman Bisher. Helllll no. Bisher is about 800 years old, but he wrote an article for the Saturday Evening Post in the 1960s accusing Paul Bryant and Wally Butts of rigging a game. Guess what? King Bear won $400,000 in damages. What a moron.

Running out of time, and annoyed, I looked over and saw this kid in the corner. "I want that guy," I said. Carter Strickland of the AJC? Yep, bring the young wingnut over here. The following is a transcript of that interview, pieces of which appeared in the morning paper.

Tell me about rebuilding the confidence in the Alabama program and what you have done that has allowed fans to believe in you and your style of coaching?

Basically I walked in and reminded folks about who they are. It's like Reagan did back in 1980 - he said, "Hey, we're America, and we don't suck." After reminding them that they are Alabama, and have won numerous championships, I made it clear that I was in charge and the buck ($4m of them) stops with me. It was interesting last Saturday night - when I chose to go for the field goal late in the game, there was some grumbling in the stands because the last few years have been so tough around here. You know what? I knew my boys could do it, told them they could do it, and they did. I'm guessing that's the end of grumbling for a bit.

Why is winning football so important to Alabama?

I think it really gets back to family and Southern roots. What people forget is that Alabama was a football power even before the Bear came along. It was a metaphor for the people of the state on a national level, which basically said, "hey, we're as good as you are, and we can compete on an even playing field." That still holds true today. We may be 49th in our test scores, but our QBs are as good as yours.

What are you going to do to Georgia?

I really wanted to tell him how we'd bend Georgia over and make girly dawgs out of them, and..... Mal nudged me when he saw the look in my eye and shook his head no. I usually don't do the game preview until the end of the week, but I will tell you this. Any thoughts from the press that my boys can't pull that emotional level again is just plain wrong. The energy level in this town this week is unbelievable. I'm not gonna pull any of that "Is Georgia Man Enough" crap, because they are a well-coached team. But I'd be surprised if we didn't jump on them early.

Are the expectations too much? And are the goals to unrealistic? I mean you already have people talking national title. And everybody expects Bama to be 8-0 when they pay LSU.

I've been asked this question by Corso and Barnhart already this week. You come to The University of Alabama precisely for these expectations. I think the enthusiasm the people of the state of Alabama are showing for this University, this team, and my family is unbelievable. Now there is a big difference between the fans, and our approach. This is about a process. You don't just become a champion, you have to establish building blocks to a championship. And this Saturday night will be another block to that end.

What took so long for Alabama to wise up and hire you?

That's a tough one to answer. Ok, I knew the answer was that the place was being run by a bunch of drunken sailors, but I had to be nice. To be honest, it's been a bit of a circus over here since Gene Stallings left. And when they married Shula, they really wanted that marriage to work out. It probably cost them a chance at Spurrier, but all the better for me. Have you noticed there's an extra place for the next coaching statue at Bryant Denny? Right next to Bear.

Who anointed you king?

Was Napoleon anointed King? Negative. No one really anoints you King. Good story, though. I did make it clear before we signed the contract that I was in charge, and folks would have to deal with it. Running a football program is not a democracy - and the real problem The University had over the last few years is that they tried to run it like one. Mal Moore said, "So this makes you King?" We both looked over at Paul Jr. and he nodded his head. So I looked back at Mal, told him yes, and to put that in my contract.

Do you prefer King Saban or St. Nick?

While St. Nick is nice at Christmas, I prefer King Saban.

Cartman Strickler, great butt-kissing material. You can have another interview.

Roll Bama.

Georgia Peek-a-boo

I'm not gonna lie, I'm as curious as anyone as to what Richt is doing behind the big green fences over in Athens. Sabanoia. One of our undercover agents just emailed me this shot:

Now, this brings a couple of questions to mind. Is the plan to distract my team with circus tricks from the Georgia mascot? Or, is this an example of what the Georgia offensive line will do when my big defensive ends come running through the line to eat the quarterback?

Mal says this is all playing right into my hands. Georgia is so distracted by the King's mere presence that their focus is not even on the game. Mal thinks they are gonna try the circus trick thing.

The University PR people said the servers nearly collapsed yesterday with all the traffic to my blog. With the ESPN blow hards in town and the Sabanoia in Athens, Sabamania is skyrocketing. Speaking of which, excuse me, I gotta go sit down with Corso and Herby. Mal reminds me to be nice top Corso. We'll see. I'd love to see that dude do some wind sprints.

Roll Bama.

My Staff makes some cash - just like the King

So I'm sitting on the "throne" this morning doing a little light reading. I get a few of the sports pages from newspapers around the state. It seems everybody's a bit excited about my staff being the highest paid in the league. They all found out "through an open records request." It sounds official when newspapers say that. What it means is they sent some poor kid making $5.25 an hour over to the courthouse to spend some time diggin through papers. Poor schlep.

Ok, Dick Tracy's of the Alabama Press Corp., yes, my staff is the highest paid. Why did this take an open records request? I'm the King, and make more dinero than any coach in college football. So, my staff is also the highest paid in the SEC. I told ya'll I was intent on hiring the best staff possible. Mal didn't just give me keys to the kingdom, he game me a blank check. Actually, he gave me a lot of blank checks. We want to win today, not five years from now. And yes, young Applewood makes more than the offensive coordinator under Steak Boy. They scored, like, never in the red zone. Did you see the holes open up for Grant last Saturday? Exactly.

Roll Bama.

Game Day: Vanderbilt

Well, it's Friday afternoon. I hope you're getting ready to clock out for the day and enjoy a cold one. I know I am. Just as soon as Paul Jr. gets it. Mal says I really should cool my jets over being in charge, but I just can't help it.

Ahh, Vanderbilt. It's alway fun to go to the Music City USA. Former home of Opryland and the like. So let me break down how the day will go.

The game is getting broadcast by Abe Financial, so we have a blasted 11:30 am kick-off. They don't have an AD at Vandy, so the school just does what it's told by the league office. Anyway, 11:30 am is damn early for a football game. I will make my troops get up at 5:30 am for a jog through downtown Nashville. We'll run to the outskirt of town where all the 'Bama RVs are and back.

At 8:00 am, we'll have breakfast. I'm not talking about the stupid "continental" breakfast of a banana and juice either. I'm talking all the fixuns. Pancakes cooked by yours truly, eggs, bacon, sausage, and maybe some fried chicken. Johns gets two of everything since he's the fullback. Grant gets a muffin.

At 9:30 am, we enter the stadium dressed in our suits. The ovation will be unbelievable. There will even be cheers for some of my troops.

At 11:30 am, we burst on the TV seen in front of the "partisan" crowd. That's what the TV dudes will say .Yeah, whatever. Partisan would mean there are some Vandy fans even there. I'm expecting 45,000 Bama fans.

"Vandy always plays 'Bama tough" is all I've heard this week. Bullcrap. This ain't the Steak Boy regime. By halftime we'll be up 17 - 0. I tell JPW that on the next TD, he gets a break. Sure enough, we'll be up 24-0 seven minutes into the third quarter. Reserves come in, mop up, and we glide to a 31-10 victory. My first SEC victory as King of the Crimson Tide. It's very very good times.

I'll then go catch some games on the tube. Lester and Jester have tough ones this week. I wonder if either will be coaching in the SEC next year since I'm the King. Roll Bama.

Letter to my former Fish Players

As you know, I've been on the feel-good tour since early July, and it;s paid off with some excellent television and newspaper coverage. Contract Boy and Mal both say I did good, but they are looking for more. They want more? Bingo, I'll write a letter to my former Fishes. But only those that played for me, screw the rest of 'em. I thought my loyal fans should read this to. It doubles the impact of goodwill.

Dear Fishes-

As you know, I had to get out of town rather abruptly last January - there were thousands of people waiting at the T-Town airport for me, and if I had waited another day many of them might have passed out from the beverages they were consuming. It wasn't about me, it was about them.

I want to almost apologize for getting the hell out of Miami. I mean, we were really on a roll, and we might have gone 8-8 this year with all the talent we had coming back. But I must be honest. You guys actually kinda suck. And so does the NFL. I'm the coach, but you guys make so much money that you truly don't give a crap what I tell you. "We're all adults," you tell me. But then I have to chase running backs to other continents only to find out that they are pulling a Beatles on me and just getting higher than a kite. Not so grown up.

So you have that new coach. You'll have a new system. It'll be great. While you're trying to get to 6-10 and blaming me for your sorry ass season, the King will be running the Crimson Ship towards greatness. We're gonna play in some kind of cool bowl better than Shreveport or Memphis.

Peace out. And any Auburn players on the Fish team, Siuya.

Roll Bama.

Sunday morning Sabamoca

Well, well, well. It was quite a Saturday on the gridiron. The King had a huge day, and the Jester nearly wet himself. I think there were nearly as many fans outside the stadium hoping for a glimpse of me as there were fans in it. Let's review the day's activities.

First, the important stuff. Did ya'll notice those cool 'Bama shirts we were all wearing on the sidelines? Yeah, you guessed it, the King picked that out himself. I wanted to wear Birks with the pants, but nobody - including Terry - thought this was a good idea.

Appalachian State? Are you kidding me? The ESPN blowhards kept saying how they really were a championship team, even though they came from a lower level. But are you serious? Did any of this press dudes pick Appy State before kickoff? Hell no. The press are sheep. Again.

Pumpkin Boy got his ass kicked out in Berkeley. You know, on the one hand I wanted them to beat Cal for SEC supremacy, but on the other, it was pretty nice to see the Big Orange do the Big Flop. Somebody just turned up the heat in Knoxville.

Notre Dame sucks. Somebody schedule them for us immediately.

Auburn. Jester looked like he was about to wet his pants late in the fourth quarter. Can you imagine if they had actually lost? I heard the Auburn Board of Trustees was already warming the plane for a coaching search. If Kansas State can nearly pull the upset, I'm looking forward to our little visit over there already.

The Western Carolina Catamawhos did a great job .... playing road kill. I told ya, there would be all kinds of ceremonies, and one major butt-kicking. I wasn't even far off on the score prediction. #29, whatever his name is, did a great job. That first touchdown was pretty electrifying. Sabamania was, well, Sabamania. Get out the straw hats baby.

Mal said I should do something nice for their coach. So I signed a football with the score on it and sent it his way. Gosh, that thing will be worth a fortune, so I hope he hangs on to it. He didn't seem as happy at receiving it as I was to give it.

Saban Field at Bryant-Denny Stadium. Roll Bama.

Some interesting math

Contract Boy says I should keep working on my image. Much love to the US Department of Education for supplying the figures below. A whole lot has been made of my salary. I'm not a math whiz, but it seems to me that the economic impact I bring the University should be taken into account. Did you see the 92,000 who showed up for the spring fun? How much extra beer and food and Bama stuff do you think got consumed as a result?

How much do you think that free advertising for the University on the cover of Sports Illustrated this week is worth? Some dufus with the Atlanta-Journal & Stupidness said a few less potholes would get fixed this year in the state. They don't get it. I'm an investment in growth, not a cost center eating up valuable resources.

Anywho, throwing out the facts that most of my salary is paid from outside-the-university resources, if we just look at the revenue the University produces in football in comparison to my salary vs other schools, you get some interesting math. Sly looks way overpaid. P.S. Miles Brand of the non-profit group called the NCAA made almost $900,000 last year alone. What's he producing? He's no King. Roll Bama.

SEC coach	Salary	Football revenue	Percentage
King Saban, Alabama	$4,000,000	$44,426,312	9.0%
Jester, Auburn	2,231,000	51,598,921	4.3
Pumpkin Boy, Tennessee	2,050,000	27,732,427	7.3
Cockadoodle, South Carolina	1,750,000	33,051,529	5.2
Urban Legend,Florida	1,525,550	48,194,552	3.1
Lester, LSU	1,450,000	39,528,895	3.7
Boss Hog, Arkansas	1,049,644	28,466,785	3.7
Sylvester Croom, Miss.State	940,000	7,185,069	13.0
Ed Orgeron, Ole Miss	905,000	16,563,825	5.4
Rich Brooks, Kentucky	729,165	19,793,174	3.6

Some others

BCS game coach	Salary	Football revenue	Percentage
Jim Tressel, Ohio State	$2,013,700	$60,773,537	3.3
Bobby Petrino, Louisville	1,743,000	16,331,615	9.3
Bob Stoops, Oklahoma	3,450,000	33,757,486	10.0
Chris Peterson, Boise State	511,880	8,542,522	6.0
Lloyd Carr, Michigan	1,454,619	50,365,537	2.9
Trojan Man, S. California	2,782,320	27,777,249	10.0
Catholic Boy, Notre Dame	3,300,000	61,463,627	5.3

My own hat. Now my own tshirt

Check it out, my own clothing line. It's so Saban. Add a hat, and you've got yourself a football coach. Thanks Jeff - send a few for the wife and kids as well. Oh, and Mal wants one of these too. Maybe I should pass these out to the press as party favors. Roll Bama.

Check it out, I'm on the cover of SI

Looks like all this "good will press tour" is really paying some dividends. Crap, check it out, I'm on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

Much love to the writer (a Bama journalism professor, Mal says this is just fine). Check out this quote. “They have welcomed him as Caesar, as pharaoh, and paid him enough money to burn a wet dog. Now he will take them forward by taking them back to the glory of their past -- the 21 Southeastern Conference championships, the 12 national championships, the Team of the 20th Century (as The Wall Street Journal called the Crimson Tide in 2000).

“Saban has not promised them so much -- 'I don’t believe in predictions,’ he says -- but they believe. It may take two years, three, more, to be in the discussion again when people talk about the best teams in college football. But they know he will take them home."

I don't know about burning wet dogs - that's more a Michael Vick thing - but I do like being called Caesar and pharaoh. I may need to get one of those togas like Bluto was wearing in Animal House. The picture is very good, as it gets me in my vest and straw hat right in the middle of that ridiculous heat. Somewhere in the background is Paul Jr. getting me some lemonade.

Much Bama love to the journalist, Rick Bragg. This is fantastic butt-kissing material. Rick, I'll be leaving you a sideline pass. Please call Mal to pick it up. And Cecil, Rick is your example. Step it up.

If this doesn't give you some sense of how in control I am I don't know what does. This school went from laughing stock to the cover of SI in nine months. Free advertising. $4m bucks? A bargain. I am the King. Everybody get on my shoulders, cause we're marching back to national prominence. Siuya Jester, Pumpkin, Lester, and all others not on the train. Roll Bama.

I'm on the Peace-out Tour

Much as been made recently of the attempts to "better my image." It's such a load of crap. Mal says I should be nice. But actually, I think being a bigger-than-life horse's ass is the way to go - isn't that what Bear did? I mean, come on, I'm not smoking or drinking bourbon. Much.

Anywho, as part of my tour, I did a sleep-in nakedness with the press and some of my colleagues last week. I call this photo, "King Saban, ruler of all things." Pretty catchy. If you look closely, to the left, you can see me right next to the Jester. Well, not to close, if you get my meanin. That dude smells funny.

It was really a special moment. Me, Jester, Cecil Hurt, and Ivan Maisel. Lester wanted to go, but I told him he'd have to wait for the next global calamity before I let that happen. Mal asked to join too, but yikes, there's only so much nakedness one can endure. You know, I just couldn't help it. Right after this shot, I put on my straw hat and ran across the meadow yelling, "I'm King of the World."

Roll Bama.

Some Arrest Stuff

Had a little layoff over the weekend from updating all my fans. Mal's lawyers wanted to make sure my public diary was on the up and up. Made Paul Jr. get me a few cold ones Saturday afternoon since I'm in charge and all.

Tried to get some rest over the weekend, but I get this damn phone call the other night from one of Tuscaloosa's finest. He tells me one of my boys has been arrested on the strip. "What for?" I ask.

"Apparently, he was talking to some friends and wouldn't go to bed."

Ok, so we got that kid at Notre Dame was transporting liquor. Catholic Boy said that was an "honest mistake." Boys at Tennessee are abusing the "substance policy." Boys at Auburn can't spell. Ok, that's not against the law, but maybe it should be.

Seriously, I can't believe how much press this gets. It was even on ESPN.com. That's right, the same channel that thought 'Bama was an afterthought a year ago is now covering midnight incidents in Tuscaloosa, AL. Must suck to be them.

Here's my official statement. Who gives a ratt's ass. My all-world defensive back will run about a gazillion wind sprints over the next month, and sit out the first series against Western Carolina. Done. Roll Bama.

Legend is my boy

So I told you last week that I'm King, and 'Bama ain't playing no stinkin 11:30 am game for Abe Financial Sports for the season opener. I was simply emphatic about this with Mal.

Apparently, the SEC Commissioner dude, who thinks he's in charge (of what, I'm not quite certain) called Mal up. Said, "Mal, it's between you and Florida. And Florida is the defending National Champs. So you gotta take the early kick-off time. I don't care what Nick says"

Mal brings this crap to me. "Mal, give me the damn phone."

So I call the Commish. Cause I'm the King. "Commish, this is bull crap. First, you will address me as King Nick. Second, you go tell Urban Legend he gets the early kick-off, or Alabama is seceding from the Southeastern Conference."

"You're joking," he said.

"Negative. The Big 10 or 11 or whatever the hell it is is looking for a 12th team. 'Bama used to run this conference, and I'll be damn if upstart programs like Florida are going to call the shots. Don't forget I have connections up there."

Wa la, Florida gets the early kick-off time. See you on September 1. Late in the day even. Roll Bama.

I knight thee King Nick II

I'm the first to admit that I'm immortal. I will probably never leave the earth, and coach 'Bama football for the next 1,000 years - cause that's what Kings like Napoleon did. Still hard to believe France was ever in charge of anything. I'm pretty sure I could take some 'Bama Militia and own that place. Renaming the Eiffel Tower in my honor would be cool. Anyway, I digress.

Mal has some worries about my leaving before my contract is up. Mal, look at my history, and please tell me you're planning for this. Contract Boy sees this from a totally different perspective. He's getting something like 5% of $4m a year in management fees. I can't do that math in my head, but Contract Boy tells me that's about $1m a year. One of the reasons I love that guy so much is that he's so good with the numbers.

Anyway, it's the 21st century and stuff. And it seems like since I'm King, I should be able to clone myself. Come on, what's better than one King Nick? Bingo, two King Nicks. Rather than leaving Tuscaloosa when I decide to head to Lake Burton, I could just pull the Clone Boy out of the closet and put him on the sideline. Nobody would be the wiser. I'm King of the Football Universe, and such a genius too.

This seems like a win-win. I could leave immediately after the University renames the stadium in my honor for pulling this program out of the porta-potty Steak Boy left it in. Mal would have a plan for the next coach. King Saban II. Wow, I could save his ass for a second time. And Contract Boy doubles his fees to $3m a year. Roll Bama.

Let's look at the past. But quickly.

Yesterday afternoon I was in prime form. I spouted off some malarkey about us not being where we wanted to be yet. I think I could tell some of the reporters that the sky was purple and they'd believe me. Are we where we need to be to be the crap out of Western Carolina on Sept. 1? Of course. Are we ready to beat the next team on the schedule. Possibly, but let's take it one game at a time. It's hilarious, though. Every single reporter mentions in every practice article that practices are "closed to the public and the media." Fellas, this ain't about to change, so relax. I'm the King Football Coach, not Steak Boy. Kirk McNair said I "admonished reporters." Where do they get this stuff?

Mal told me I should take a little walk through the Bryant Museum to get a feel for the history here. Saban Museum I thought. Anyway, the first thing I did was take a look at the number of title's we've won. The best way I can figure is that it's somewhere between four and 13. We won the "Dunkel" title in 1934. Mal, what the hell is that? The "Houlgate" "Berryman?" Ok, Mal, this sounds like a bunch of baloney. I do see where my Spartans screwed the Tide in 1966 by not taking out Notre Dame. Bear called that one of his best teams ever.

Wow, Bear nearly took the Fish job in 1970. Just like me. We are god-like twins.

Let's see. Beat the yang out of Auburn for nine straight years. More national titles without the word "Dunkel" in them. Liberty Bowl. Perkinator. Bill Curry? What? They hired that ESPN blow hard to coach here after he sucked at Georgia Tech? They let a Tech boy coach here? Hell, they should have thrown a brick in the Athletic Director's Office.

Ahh, then Bebes. Love that guy. He's the one who told me I could have all kinds of stuff with my name on it if I came here and coached a while. At least for a couple of years. National title, again. NCAA probation. Retirement. Interesting turn of events.

Mike DuBose. Boy they sure do like coaches that suck named "Mike." Wow, even he won an SEC Championship. Had to love that look on Cockadoodle's face when he lost to 'Bama twice that year. Something about a secretary has been smeared out. Mal, what is this?

Aggie Boy. That guy talked funny. Did he talk right from his nose? Of course that was the last time before this year that 'Bama beat Auburn. Yikes. I bet the coaches have really turned over since then. Looks like he is having excellent luck at Texas A&M.

Mike Price. Record 0-0. Weird, somebody must have made a typo. His name is Mike so I'm sure he sucked. But given that every coach who comes through here is destined to win some games, maybe he went 10-0 or something. See where he is at that football power UTEP.

Mike Shula. Another Mike? Mal, were you here for all these crappy hires? How are you still working here? Oh yeah, I saved your ass myself. Steak Boy was pretty, but he couldn't coach worth a damn. Spent too much time at those blasted alumnoid functions. "Got Shula?" Oh my , you would think they could come up with something better than that. Of course Pappa Steak Boy seems to be losing it; he was more than a little upset when I quit his beloved Fish to take the job his son had just been canned from. I think Bear would have wanted it that way. He was a King just like me.

So much history, so little time. I wonder where they are going to build my wing to this puppy. Lord knows even one year of me will be better than some of these yahoos. Might be time to head over to the Cafe for breakfast. Roll Bama.

The Jester drops a letter

So as I was reading my fan mail this morning before we hit the field for a scrimmage, I came across this one from the Jester:

Dear Nick,

Can you please refer to me by name? The press has forgotten me, and I'm worried that so will the recruits. Next thing you know the AD and Prez will be getting tracked by their plane on their way to find a new coach.

Peace out, Tommy Tuberville

Ok, so Tubs, let's get one thing clear. I'm not "Nick." you'll address me as "King Saban." You can also call me "King Nicholas" if you like. But as long as I allow you to be in my state, you'll be the Jester. (I did notice your parents named you "Thomas Hawley Tuberville," so clearly I'm trying to help you out - did you parents not like you?)

I do have issue with something you said in the paper the other day. I think it was along the lines of "as good as we've been, we don't rebuild, we just transition." Are you kidding? Dude, you're Auburn. You guys have won one SEC Championship in the last five years. So have I, and I've been out of the league three years. In fact, I did some checkin. Auburn has only won one more SEC Championship than Georgia Tech ever, and those engineers haven't even been in the conference since Cokes were a nickel. "Transition." Ha. More like a transition to court jester now that I've arrived.

Tubs, don't worry about recruits forgetting who you are, it's already happened. I've got verbal commitments from about 200 athletes at this point. Mal says I'm not allowed to make "direct contact," so I'm learning this text message thing Nutt has gotten so good at. Perhaps you should be more concerned with helping your recruits learn their ABCs than with whether you've become "Mr. Irrelevant" in this state. Roll Bama.

Lincoln Financial? I don't think so

So Mal comes in my office this afternoon and says, "Hey, Lincoln Financial Sports wants us to play your first game at 11:30 am."

Lincoln financial what? 11:30? Mal, what are you drinking over there? I haven't even finished my coffee yet, much less am I ready to go kick Western's hind end with my back-ups that early in the morning. It seems LFS doesn't know KNS yet. That's King Nick Saban. If this were rock-paper-scissors, LFS would be paper and I would be a nuke.

Not only would our pre-game prep have to start at dawn, but so would the tailgating. That's a lot of drunk folks on campus very early in the morning. And doesn't Abe Financial get that it's my coming out party as King of Tuscaloosa and everything great about 'Bama football? Morons. They seem almost as dumb as the press who follows me.

"Mal, tell Lincoln Financial whatever that I am the King, and 'Bama doesn't play before high noon." Done. We'll be playing a pay-per-view gig later in the evening so all my adoring fans can enjoy the day in God's County.

Hope Lincoln Financial isn't part of this sub-prime housing mess. I'd hate to see Kentucky vs Eastern Kentucky not get to air that day. That's sure to be an amazing game. As long as you don't actually know what good football is. Time for a little dinner over near Lake Tuscaloosa. Roll Bama.