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Apparently, Lester would like the fan base in Cajun Country to dress like some of his players. Check out this pict sent to us from Holly in Baton Rouge. Team colors and everything.
Roll Bama.

Wow, I can't believe it

As we head to Saban Bowl I, all I've heard is how pissed off the "LSU Nation" is at me for coming back to college football. Maybe it's just a bunch of bullcrap from the media. I mean, come on, they never mislead their readership with an exaggeration of the facts, do they? Well, Mal says I'm liked by everybody. And I guess this means LSU Nation. Check out this shot from Debra in Tuscaloosa - looks like they miss me.
Roll Bama.

It's my birthday; my gift to Les Miles

You know, somebody told me that Lester was feeling a little blue at all the attention I'm getting leading up to this game. After all, his birthday is in a couple of weeks. I decided that I should honor this where all good things come together in the Universe. Kinda like Crimson Carma.

So I sent him this autographed picture. More importantly, I left him a little note that you can't read on the image here. But it says, "Dear Lester, Best Wishes. Maybe you'll experience the feeling of this photograph at your next coaching job. Yours Truly, King Nick."

Roll Bama.

It's my Birthday Today. And Halloween. Scary stuff.

This has been a great year for the King, no doubt. Today I'm turning 56, so don't forget to send cards and letters. No gifts are required. Mal game me four million of those a year last January, and frankly, just having to watch Les Miles squirm on the sideline of Saban Field at Bryant Denny Stadium this weekend is gift enough.

Saban Bowl I Mania heats up

Folks, it's almost that time. While drinking my Sabamoca this morning, I decided to take the New York Times back to the throne for a sit-down. There it is - front page of the sports section, yet another story on the insecurity of the LSU coach and fan base. I know I'm the King, but this is even a little bit bigger than the Tuscaloosa News.

This quote from LSU fan Linda Hendricks caught my eye: “He could have been governor. He could have been president. Now he’s a traitor. He’s not even sexy anymore.”

Uh, Linda, if you have deep enough pockets in the state of Louisiana, you can be anything you want. Last I saw, most of it is like Lester's house is gonna be in a month or so: for sale. And Linda, you know I'm sexy.

These poor LSU fans, I just don't get it. They were losers before I got there. I brought them a championship, and unbelievable athletes. They can't even enjoy all the winning while they have it. Before long, 'Bama will rule the SEC West again, and LSU championships will be nothin but a memory.

Roll Bama.

Textbooks? Who needs 'em

So I guess by now you've heard: my boys are so interested in class that they were caught with extra textbooks. Hey, they are just trying to quench their thirst for knowledge. Reminds me of an email I received last week from Bobbie Jane in Andalusia. I'm not suggesting that all 'Bama fans can't spell, I'm just sayin.... these dudes can come party at my house any time.

Mal says I'll probably get a letter from our Director of Media Relations for this, but after beating the Hell out of Pumpkin Boy, he doesn't seem to care what I do. Benefits of being the King.


Roll Bama.

Some Cajun Hunting

Much love to Cindy Lou from Baton Rouge for this shot. I feel like there is much to say about this photo, but I'm guessin the picture says it all.

By the way, did ya'll hear that comment I made about the upcoming game "being all about the players" and not about the coaches at all? Ok, that is crap. I wanted to say the right thing. Mal said I should. But truthfully, for my own self gratification, I hope we kick LSU's ass. How great would it be to take LSU players and beat 'Bama 3 years ago, then turn around and beat those LSU players with my 'Bama kids on November 3? Says something about my great coaching.

I hope Les Miles goes for about 8 first downs on fourth down in a couple of weeks.

Roll Bama.

I'm calling it Saban Bowl

It's true, I am the King, but I had no idea how good it felt to beat the Pumpkin Boy from Saban Field at Bryant Denny. Holy crap, that was such a beating that it was as if Bear Bryant himself was on the sideline. Except he wasn't. I was. The King.

Of course I had my boys ready to play. For starters, I was tired of hearing that bullcrap all week out of Ole Miss about that replay. The guy was out of bounds, and you suck, ok? You are Ole Miss. Understand your place in the Kingdom.

Second, it was Tennessee. We all know how Pumpkin shredded this program with the NCAA (thus creating my throne for me down the road). His miscalculation was that a coach worth a damn would be worthy enough to win and clean up the mess he helped create. I'm convinced the orange porker was behind this textbook mess last week right before game time.

In case you haven't noticed, we're #1 in the SEC West and play Lester's bunch in two weeks here in T-town. It's very confusing: all these folks in Louisiana have these anti-Saban t-shirts. Don't they remember I actually won a national title there? Coach Cajun Potty Mouth truly has no brains, and will surely screw this season up for the state of Louisiana. Come on, that touchdown pass in the waning seconds against Auburn wasn't brave, it was stupid. All he needed was a field goal. And if his boy had bobbled it, Auburn wins, and the LSU Chancellor sticks a "for sale" sign in Lester's front yard.

Ok, enough about all that. We have a big game in two weeks. I'm calling it Saban Bowl. Yeah, that's right. Kinda like Super Bowl, only bigger. None of the Lincoln Abe Financial crap for a start time either. 5pm in the afternoon, so plenty of time for all of you to get tanked up before game time.

Sabamania. Saban Bowl. Beating LSU. It's that happy Carma where all good things in life come together at once. Lester Miles, SIUYA.

Roll Bama.

Welcome me back King Saban

Yes, it's been a few weeks and another loss since we last got together. Truth is, I've been busy planning for the second half of the season with little time for fanfare. And, of course, losin kinda sucks. I keep telling the media freps to lay off, but they insist on stirring up controversy down here. In the meantime, thanks for all the emails.

I think our boys are making some nice strides. We don't know how to play 60 minutes yet, but I expect that to improve as the season ebbs on.

On a lighter note, did ya'll see ol Lester yesterday? Dude lost to Kentucky. A team that wears all blue uniforms. LSU gets to #1 for exactly one week for the first time since Moses walked the earth before Coach Cajun Potty Mouth squirrels away a two-touchdown lead at Kentucky in the fourth quarter. Those media guys were all about "Saban who" after their "big" win over Florida. Funny, they can't go a week down there without talking about what a great job I did while I was coaching there. I don't think LSU lost to Kentucky while I was there.

Wonder what bowl LSU is headed to after they finish third in the SEC West? Music City? I'm guessin LSU Alums already have the jet fueled up for Lester's moved to Ann Arbor.

It's Pumpkin week. Nope, not Halloween. It's Fulmer in Tuscaloosa. Let the Sabanoia begin. Lincoln Abe Financial, start kissing my butt if you want an interview. Can't believe those freps at CBS chose Kentucky vs Florida over the Third Saturday in October. Morons. Don't they know we keep our fans glued to their seats until the buzzer every single week?

Auburn, LSU, and Tennessee. And CBS. SIUYA.

Roll Bama.

Some "sharing" at Free Shoes U.

Ok folks, I know Bobby is a "saint," but give me a break. Things are beginning to get a little loose over in Tallahassee. Check out this quote from Florida State prez T.K. Wetherell:

"I'm pretty comfortable," Wetherell said about the investigation. "I'm more concerned at this point with what I don't know than with what I do know. Some of those 23 may come off the list. Whether somebody else goes on, that's the kind of stuff we're running down now. It may go up by a few or down by a few."

Dude, if that's not a definition for "lack of institutional control," I don't know what is. Sounds like the guy is covering his own ass right and left. It could be more, it could be less, I'm kinda worried, but not, blah blah blah.

Folks, let me translate this for you. He's scared out of his pants that about half the football team is gonna get busted for cheating before Bobby gets run out of.. I mean, retires.

Roll Bama.

King Nick.

Bowden as Moses

Much love and Crimson Carma to Cindy Sue from Jacksonville for this shot. Apparently, Bobby has been around for a while.You know, you really have to like this guy. Bill Curry of all people got the 'Bama job instead of him, and yet he seems to harbor no ill feelings. I hope he still shakes my hand after we drum the 'Noles.

Roll Bama.

The Auburn Way?

Folks, I crap you not, this is an actual photograph. I can't look at this without hearing banjos and wondering who is about to "squeal like a pig."
Thanks to Jimmy from Opp for mailing this shot in. Is this an example of the Auburn strength and conditioning program? Or which one is Jester? No wonder they lost to Mississippi State. Discuss.

Roll Bama.

Attention Fans

Ok, I'm only gonna say this once. Cause Mal says I need to say something about class. Don't throw crap at the opponents - even if they act like they've won only one championship ever, and are acting like they are humping each other wildly in your direction. It's best just to let them finish. And to whoever threw the Jim Beam, at least finish the stuff before letting the bottle go.

For gosh sakes, we're not Auburn. Cause if we were, we would have pulled out the fire hoses.

And to Georgia fans chanting "we want Florida" after the game: really? Haven't you guys only beaten them twice in about 100 years? Folks, they have a linebacker playing QB.

Roll Bama.

Sunday Morning After: Spike the Sabamoca

Comrades, legions of fans, disreputable journalists: yes, I have to admit, the loss last night to Georgia was a tough one to swallow. But before we let the media tell us "we told you so," let's take a moment to reflect on where we are, and where we're going:

Then:
'Bama finished 6-7 last year, and had no comeback wins in six years
Talk of Championships had been replaced with talks of thumbs and strip clubs

Now:
We're 3-1, sit second in the SEC West, and still control our own destiny to an SEC title
Our expectations are focused on what we want from our team on the field
This is a building block to a championship

In a sense, I'm glad that 'Bama nation hurts so much this morning. It means that the football team matters, and that we now expect to win versus hoping to win.

Interesting read by Pat Forde this morning, the ESPN super genius. While I was reading his column this morning while firmly perched on the porcelain throne, I had to get a good chuckle out of his article. Last fall he got pissed because we didn't let him scoop that I was coming to 'Bama. He then called me a "Liar" in his January column after I took the job - apparently Forde tells ESPN every time he interviews with a competing news service. This morning he seems to take glee in his column that Sabanation and my coronation as King will have to wait. Even though it's clear I'm King already, and things at 'Bama are different now. Moron.

Attention Pat Forde and other journalists who seem to take some strange joy in the people of Alabama feeling a bit hurt after this loss: 'Bama is back. We're 3-1 with an OT loss to Georgia. Before the season most of you "pundits" thought we'd finish fourth in the division behind LSU, Arkansas, and Auburn. Have you even looked at the standings this morning? And by the way, have you sniffed your way around the Houston Nutt leaves Arkansas, Tommy Tuberville takes his place, and Les Miles goes to Michigan stories? Are they all liars too, or is this journalistic morals by convenience?

Pat Forde, get out of your hypocritical pulpit - either become a journalist, or stop insulting the rest of the profession by calling yourself one. Friends of Sabanator (FoS), you can reach Pat Forde at ESPN4D@aol.com. Tell him King Saban said to kiss his.... ok, Mal said to stop.

The Georgia game is now history. Let's get ready for Florida State. King out.

Roll Bama.

Game Day: Georgia

The mystery is solved. The Dawgs closed their practices this week because I worked for Belichick. Mark, you're so clever to have figured that out. It did make getting our cameras and microphones into their huddles a bit more challenging. But we finally just offered the waterboy $10 bucks and he snapped this shot.

All you can say is "wow." The Georgia team has decided that arranging little dudes on the electric football table is the way to go. Mark, you seem swuft, but I can tell you Gilberry is gonna get to Stafford a whole lot quicker than the electric end.

The other item of note is all the moaning by Georgia fans about the 6:45 pm start. Are you kidding me? Focusing on spyin and game times ain't gonna get it done for Georgia. What about some focus on the game itself?

Folks, it's electric here in Tuscaloosa. GameDay is set-up over near the stadium. You can hear the ESPN dudes doing their thing, and there is the distinct smell of bourbon in the air. It's not even noon. Reminds me of Baton Rouge, except we've won a bunch more titles here.

All I will say about last week is that it was last week. It's time to continue this march towards a championship. If you thought you saw wrinkles from us against Arkansas, you ain't seen nothing yet. I was so inspired by watching Jester's collapse last week against Mississippi State that I came up with some fun stuff for the Dawgs.

I'm expecting the crowd to be louder than it ever has. I don't think the Dawgs will try to distract us with circus tricks as Mal said earlier this week, but check out this shot of Richy Richt. Clown-like? Expect us to get up on the Dawgs early, and deliver the knock-out punch. Looks like he had a V-8.

Ok, I'm finishing getting ready. Believe it or not, I've agreed to go get interviewed by Corso and Company over on ESPN GameDay. I've had my coffee, I'm dressed in the suit, and am ready to go continue this feel-good tour that started three weeks ago. Terry says this is not about football today. It's about Carma. Crimson Carma.

Roll Bama.

Game preview coming; King Saban in AJC this morning

So I'm drinking my Sunday morning Sabamoca on Saturday morning. You know, I feel like a champion today. The press not only has stopped calling me a liar, they've gotten on the 'Bama bandwagon and see me as the next coming of the Bear. Did you see the article in the Atlanta-Journal Constitution this morning about the King Saban blog? Holy crap. My butt is getting smooched more than a monkey in heat.

So here's how it went down. Right after I made Corso do wind sprints to get an interview, the AJC wanted to send Barnhart into the interview room - again. I had already chatted this guy up, and frankly was a little over it. But the AJC insisted. They said, ok, what about Furman Bisher. Helllll no. Bisher is about 800 years old, but he wrote an article for the Saturday Evening Post in the 1960s accusing Paul Bryant and Wally Butts of rigging a game. Guess what? King Bear won $400,000 in damages. What a moron.

Running out of time, and annoyed, I looked over and saw this kid in the corner. "I want that guy," I said. Carter Strickland of the AJC? Yep, bring the young wingnut over here. The following is a transcript of that interview, pieces of which appeared in the morning paper.

Tell me about rebuilding the confidence in the Alabama program and what you have done that has allowed fans to believe in you and your style of coaching?

Basically I walked in and reminded folks about who they are. It's like Reagan did back in 1980 - he said, "Hey, we're America, and we don't suck." After reminding them that they are Alabama, and have won numerous championships, I made it clear that I was in charge and the buck ($4m of them) stops with me. It was interesting last Saturday night - when I chose to go for the field goal late in the game, there was some grumbling in the stands because the last few years have been so tough around here. You know what? I knew my boys could do it, told them they could do it, and they did. I'm guessing that's the end of grumbling for a bit.

Why is winning football so important to Alabama?

I think it really gets back to family and Southern roots. What people forget is that Alabama was a football power even before the Bear came along. It was a metaphor for the people of the state on a national level, which basically said, "hey, we're as good as you are, and we can compete on an even playing field." That still holds true today. We may be 49th in our test scores, but our QBs are as good as yours.

What are you going to do to Georgia?

I really wanted to tell him how we'd bend Georgia over and make girly dawgs out of them, and..... Mal nudged me when he saw the look in my eye and shook his head no. I usually don't do the game preview until the end of the week, but I will tell you this. Any thoughts from the press that my boys can't pull that emotional level again is just plain wrong. The energy level in this town this week is unbelievable. I'm not gonna pull any of that "Is Georgia Man Enough" crap, because they are a well-coached team. But I'd be surprised if we didn't jump on them early.

Are the expectations too much? And are the goals to unrealistic? I mean you already have people talking national title. And everybody expects Bama to be 8-0 when they pay LSU.

I've been asked this question by Corso and Barnhart already this week. You come to The University of Alabama precisely for these expectations. I think the enthusiasm the people of the state of Alabama are showing for this University, this team, and my family is unbelievable. Now there is a big difference between the fans, and our approach. This is about a process. You don't just become a champion, you have to establish building blocks to a championship. And this Saturday night will be another block to that end.

What took so long for Alabama to wise up and hire you?

That's a tough one to answer. Ok, I knew the answer was that the place was being run by a bunch of drunken sailors, but I had to be nice. To be honest, it's been a bit of a circus over here since Gene Stallings left. And when they married Shula, they really wanted that marriage to work out. It probably cost them a chance at Spurrier, but all the better for me. Have you noticed there's an extra place for the next coaching statue at Bryant Denny? Right next to Bear.

Who anointed you king?

Was Napoleon anointed King? Negative. No one really anoints you King. Good story, though. I did make it clear before we signed the contract that I was in charge, and folks would have to deal with it. Running a football program is not a democracy - and the real problem The University had over the last few years is that they tried to run it like one. Mal Moore said, "So this makes you King?" We both looked over at Paul Jr. and he nodded his head. So I looked back at Mal, told him yes, and to put that in my contract.

Do you prefer King Saban or St. Nick?

While St. Nick is nice at Christmas, I prefer King Saban.

Cartman Strickler, great butt-kissing material. You can have another interview.

Roll Bama.

The Unemployment Line

Much Crimson Carma to Keith H. from somewhere in Alabama for this shot. I wonder where these two wonderlichs will end up next year? Feel free to captionate on this one. Discuss.

Roll Bama.

Auburn People Follwing the Tide

I have to take a little timeout from all the Sabanoia talk to share a public service announcement. Apparently, Auburn fans are so distraught with the start of the season that they've decided there is only one game left: the one in November against the 'Bama and the King.

Unfortunately, they are now travelling in their homes from town to town watching 'Bama games to help Jester spy on us. I'm not so worried about a lesser team getting an advantage by seeing my boys up close during practice. But I am concerned with what the local health department calls "unsanitary conditions." My advice is to avoid the area behind Shoney's Big Boy on McFarland Boulevard, and you're probably fine.

Roll Bama.

Georgia Peek-a-boo

I'm not gonna lie, I'm as curious as anyone as to what Richt is doing behind the big green fences over in Athens. Sabanoia. One of our undercover agents just emailed me this shot:

Now, this brings a couple of questions to mind. Is the plan to distract my team with circus tricks from the Georgia mascot? Or, is this an example of what the Georgia offensive line will do when my big defensive ends come running through the line to eat the quarterback?

Mal says this is all playing right into my hands. Georgia is so distracted by the King's mere presence that their focus is not even on the game. Mal thinks they are gonna try the circus trick thing.

The University PR people said the servers nearly collapsed yesterday with all the traffic to my blog. With the ESPN blow hards in town and the Sabanoia in Athens, Sabamania is skyrocketing. Speaking of which, excuse me, I gotta go sit down with Corso and Herby. Mal reminds me to be nice top Corso. We'll see. I'd love to see that dude do some wind sprints.

Roll Bama.

Word for the day: Sabanoia

Ok boys and girls, I'm not Gumby, but I do have a new word for the day: Sabanoia

Sabanoia: (sb-noi) noun. 1. A psychotic disorder characterized by delusions of persecution that might or might not strike your football team if you are not on King Saban's side, often strenuously defended with apparent logic and reason.

Let's use this in a sentence. Maybe two sentences. Auburn people, this is still on one hand, so you should be able to count that high.

With Mark Richt suffering from Sabanoia, he closed football practice cause he doesn't know what else to do. He thinks his team could get beat, and has no idea how to stop it.

It can also impact other coaches in your league who are not playing you that week.

Sabanoia is flowing like water in Auburn. As a result, Jester is trying to figure out how to blame Nick Saban's arrival for his team's complete collapse.

Folks, camera's are not necessary when you are the best coach in all the land. King out.

Roll Bama.

I think Richt has lost it

Wow, sounds like somebody is a bit paranoid. Mark Richt closed practices to the public for the first time in seven years at Georgia. Seems he was afraid we might be stealing their signs or something. Mark, you seem like a nice guy. You're not exactly King material, but a nice member of the court nonetheless. But here are my thoughts:

Has Florida been stealing signs from Georgia for the last 20 years?

Is your team "man enough" to just line up and run the football this weekend? I seem to remember some former Auburn coach saying something about that. Moron.

We don't need your signs. I'm the King, and now we win. Besides, "if i did it," we stole 'em back in late summer when your fall camp was open to the public and anybody with a camera. By the way, thanks for sending lunch over to all the "reporters."

Luckily for Mark, Athens-Clark County Jail only allows limited visitation, so we couldn't steal the signs from most of their kids at this point anyway. We can't get in.

Oh my, can you folks imagine the electricity at Saban Field at Bryant Denny this Saturday night? Gives me chills just thinking about getting up 21-0 on the Dawgs. And Finishing this time. Sabamania is in full force. Roll Bama.

ESPN Coming to T-Town

Much love and Crimson Carma to Bobbie-Ray of Huntsville for this one. Shhh, don't tell anyone. Mal says I need to be nice all week cause there will be more press here this week than at a Pope speech. Of course, the Pope has some issues right now - like how to fix Notre Dame's football program. Yikes. Wonder how Irish fans feel about that "lifetime" contract now.

Auburn Joke

Oh, I know, I have not written in a few days. I've been so damn busy since the big, emotional, win over Arkansas. Not only that, but my publicist (Mal) is working double-time to keep up with all the feel-good media requests.

Much love to Joe-Bob from Tuscaloosa for this joke. You know, I tried to warn Jester this would be a touch season. All he could do was complain that Brandon Cox wasn't getting any pub in the pre-season. Yikes, no kidding. That kid couldn't hit a swinging tire in the backyard if he were standing right next to it. Oh, the joke here:

"Tuscaloosa AP - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Tuscaloosa County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Auburn Tigers, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone."

Auburn. Siouya.

Roll Bama.

Game Day: Arkansas

Folks, I'd be lying if I didn't tell you I'm more relaxed than a dude who just knocked down a fifth. I mean, I'm the King, and check out all this:

Notre Dame is 0-2
Michigan is 0-2
Auburn is 1-1, and lucky for that
Tennessee is 1-1, soon to be 1-2
And we're 2-0!

All the stars are lining up. My running game is tremendous, and we have Mt. Text Message coming to town today. Ok, I know you've been waiting for this. Here's the day's breakdown:

'Bama fans started arriving by all kinds of vehicles on Thursday. By kickoff on Saturday night, there will be 92,000 drunk rednecks in the stands. Saban Field at Bryant Denny Stadium will be electric. Even more electric than opening night. This is SEC football.

I'm guessing this will be a tough tilt. We'll be up something like 12-7 at half time. Good ole Leigh Tiffin will belt some field goals. I'll get interviewed by one of those stupid sideline reporters on the way to the locker room where I will moan about our lack of touchdown production.

In the second half, the stadium will just become bedlam. ESPN2 will show me on TV a bazillion times pacing the sidelines. The Nutt will get his team the lead, but then we'll swing back and pull away. Check this out: we score a couple of TDs late, and win 26-14. Mr. Nutt, have a safe drive back to Kansas or Arkansas or wherever.

Roll Bama.

Jester supports Croom? Really? So Surprising.

Oh my goodness, did you hear the scuttle-butt coming out of Auburn this morning? Apparently Jester is giving his full support to Sly Croom. Seems like I remember him voicing similar support for Steak Boy. It's truly shocking that Jester would support a coach at a division rival who is 10-26 over the past four years. Guess what? I'm pulling for Croom to stay on a few more years too. I might even be willing to contribute part of the King's ransom to make this happen.

I've got a feeling I will voicing my support for Jester to stay on too when his team limps to November just over .500. Maybe Sly's team will contribute to the cause this Saturday. He's already my beaatch on the recruiting trail around this state. Just wait till we hit the field.

Roll Bama.

My Staff makes some cash - just like the King

So I'm sitting on the "throne" this morning doing a little light reading. I get a few of the sports pages from newspapers around the state. It seems everybody's a bit excited about my staff being the highest paid in the league. They all found out "through an open records request." It sounds official when newspapers say that. What it means is they sent some poor kid making $5.25 an hour over to the courthouse to spend some time diggin through papers. Poor schlep.

Ok, Dick Tracy's of the Alabama Press Corp., yes, my staff is the highest paid. Why did this take an open records request? I'm the King, and make more dinero than any coach in college football. So, my staff is also the highest paid in the SEC. I told ya'll I was intent on hiring the best staff possible. Mal didn't just give me keys to the kingdom, he game me a blank check. Actually, he gave me a lot of blank checks. We want to win today, not five years from now. And yes, young Applewood makes more than the offensive coordinator under Steak Boy. They scored, like, never in the red zone. Did you see the holes open up for Grant last Saturday? Exactly.

Roll Bama.

Oh My, it's Steak Boy

So Terry decided we needed some 'Bama stuff for the house. It's all about this Crimson Karma she's been talking about. And you know, she's right. As King, you need items that point to your greatness everywhere from the Stadium to the wall just above your toilet. So I go into my office this morning, and I nearly quaffed the Sabamoca out my nose. Check out this print:

What the holy hell is this? Did 'Bama fans actually buy this print?I know things have been desperate here for years, but I didn't know even the artists were drinking to get through the pain. I explained to Terry that not all 'Bama history is worth hanging on the wall. Steak Boy next to the Bear. It's like Jester next to , well, ok, nothing from Auburn to compare. But it's ridonculous. I think Heinz-57 here lost more games in four years at Saban Field at Bryant Denny Stadium than Bear did in his whole career.

On another note, we have started casting for my statue. Did ya'll notice there is an extra space next to Bear over at the stadium? Roll Bama.

What a Nutt job

Much love to Cindy-Ray from Elba for this shot. My only question is where does he keep the cell phone for all the text messaging? Ok, so that wasn't my only question. Just look at this picture. This is the dude I'm coaching against this week? Looks like Gaylord Focker's daddy. And probably coaches like him too. I hear rumors that Tuberville will be a Razorback next year. I think I can help them both in their job changes. The second home game of the season should be fun.

Roll Bama.

Oh, Stop it Tom

Did you see this article from Tom Dienhart over at Sporting News? Holy crap, this dude is so far up my ass his pencil is coming out my nose.

As part of the good-will press tour this past summer, I did have a chat with Tom to let him know I would be King, and he better stop the mean talking and start kissing my butt. Check out this quote:

"But, hey, it's really not fair being Nick Saban right now. The guy has the world by the tail and legendary status at his feet."

It's true, I do have legendary status at my feet. Tom, great butt-kissing material. You get the first interview after we manhandle the old fart at Florida State.

Roll Bama.

Dear Abby Tuesday

The weekend was extremely busy. Did you see that ass-kicking in Nashville? I told you it wouldn't be close. This team will really be on the move the next month. JPW is having trouble finding receivers, but Terry Grant is the real deal. So anyway, I get in this morning, and have three urgent emails:

To: Sabanator@gmail.com
From: Tommy Tuberville
Date: 9/9/2007 12:45 am

Dear Nick-

My team is pathetic. We somehow managed to get into overtime with South Florida, only to blow it. Of course I know that the game should have never gotten to overtime, that South Florida coach needs a kicker. I think I'm screwed. What do I do?

Yours,
Tommy T.

Jester, you are totally screwed. I'm signing all the top players in the state, and my team actually looks like it knows what it's doing. South Florida may need a kicker, but you need a QB. And an offensive line. And some defense. Dude, you should probably put some feelers out for that Arkansas job, as old Houston is gonna be singing your sad tune this time next week. I'm happy to help you network, or you can just send Houston a text message if you want.

Out. King Nick.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
To: Sabanator@gmail.com
From: Les Miles
Date: 9/8/2007 11:00 pm

Dear Nick-

I can't stand myself right now. My team is pretty great, but all I can think about is the job in Ann Arbor. What next?

Yours,
Les Miles

Lester, you're in a no-win situation. The press hounds can sniff this a mile away. My advice is to bail on LSU mid-season and jump to the Michigan job. Otherwise, the press will think you're a liar.

Up yours. King Nick.

I love these emails and letters. I see one on my desk from the head Cockadoodle and Jail House Richt. I'll get to those later.

Roll Bama.

Game Day: Vanderbilt

Well, it's Friday afternoon. I hope you're getting ready to clock out for the day and enjoy a cold one. I know I am. Just as soon as Paul Jr. gets it. Mal says I really should cool my jets over being in charge, but I just can't help it.

Ahh, Vanderbilt. It's alway fun to go to the Music City USA. Former home of Opryland and the like. So let me break down how the day will go.

The game is getting broadcast by Abe Financial, so we have a blasted 11:30 am kick-off. They don't have an AD at Vandy, so the school just does what it's told by the league office. Anyway, 11:30 am is damn early for a football game. I will make my troops get up at 5:30 am for a jog through downtown Nashville. We'll run to the outskirt of town where all the 'Bama RVs are and back.

At 8:00 am, we'll have breakfast. I'm not talking about the stupid "continental" breakfast of a banana and juice either. I'm talking all the fixuns. Pancakes cooked by yours truly, eggs, bacon, sausage, and maybe some fried chicken. Johns gets two of everything since he's the fullback. Grant gets a muffin.

At 9:30 am, we enter the stadium dressed in our suits. The ovation will be unbelievable. There will even be cheers for some of my troops.

At 11:30 am, we burst on the TV seen in front of the "partisan" crowd. That's what the TV dudes will say .Yeah, whatever. Partisan would mean there are some Vandy fans even there. I'm expecting 45,000 Bama fans.

"Vandy always plays 'Bama tough" is all I've heard this week. Bullcrap. This ain't the Steak Boy regime. By halftime we'll be up 17 - 0. I tell JPW that on the next TD, he gets a break. Sure enough, we'll be up 24-0 seven minutes into the third quarter. Reserves come in, mop up, and we glide to a 31-10 victory. My first SEC victory as King of the Crimson Tide. It's very very good times.

I'll then go catch some games on the tube. Lester and Jester have tough ones this week. I wonder if either will be coaching in the SEC next year since I'm the King. Roll Bama.

Nice Article in Selma Times Journal

It's true that I'm in charge, and the King, but it's almost like I'm writing these articles myself. Check this one out from George Jones of the Selma Times Journal . No shit, his name is George Jones. Wonder if he is related to the singer. Anyway, a clip from his article:

"A big win, a rendition of "Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer" that wasn't the best I've seen but still very good and the ongoing love fest for the new Crimson Tide coach made for heckuva way to start the college football season. One game down, 11 (or is it 12 or 13) to go?"

Exactly, George, it was a heckuva way to start the season. Great butt-kissing material. You could get an interview. And yes, we assume that the season extends far beyond the Auburn game. It's the process that makes us champions.

Roll Bama.

Letter to my former Fish Players

As you know, I've been on the feel-good tour since early July, and it;s paid off with some excellent television and newspaper coverage. Contract Boy and Mal both say I did good, but they are looking for more. They want more? Bingo, I'll write a letter to my former Fishes. But only those that played for me, screw the rest of 'em. I thought my loyal fans should read this to. It doubles the impact of goodwill.

Dear Fishes-

As you know, I had to get out of town rather abruptly last January - there were thousands of people waiting at the T-Town airport for me, and if I had waited another day many of them might have passed out from the beverages they were consuming. It wasn't about me, it was about them.

I want to almost apologize for getting the hell out of Miami. I mean, we were really on a roll, and we might have gone 8-8 this year with all the talent we had coming back. But I must be honest. You guys actually kinda suck. And so does the NFL. I'm the coach, but you guys make so much money that you truly don't give a crap what I tell you. "We're all adults," you tell me. But then I have to chase running backs to other continents only to find out that they are pulling a Beatles on me and just getting higher than a kite. Not so grown up.

So you have that new coach. You'll have a new system. It'll be great. While you're trying to get to 6-10 and blaming me for your sorry ass season, the King will be running the Crimson Ship towards greatness. We're gonna play in some kind of cool bowl better than Shreveport or Memphis.

Peace out. And any Auburn players on the Fish team, Siuya.

Roll Bama.

Some Tatoo Love

Much love to Phil from Eastaboga for this shot. I know I'm the King, but even I'm speechless. Mal says I get everything that Bear got plus a few million bucks, but I may have to draw the line here.

Roll Bama.

Coaches Corner: Letter from Lester

I cannot get enough of being King of Tuscaloosa. After Saturday night, you would think we had won the national championship. Folks, it's all about process. And looking sharp doing it. Anywho, I found this letter in my in-box this morning. I think we'll start a new feature called "Coaches Corner" cause I get email from coaches every week looking to be as Kingly as myself. On to this week's segment:

Dear King Nicholas-

First, congrats on the big win. It looked more like a coronation than a football game.

As you know, I've been under a lot of pressure coaching your players after you won a national title and left town. I know, I could have had the 'Bama job before you, but that place was a mess back then. I've been popping Rolaids like candy just trying to get through this year - first, I took a swipe at Pete Carroll for the Pathetic -10 schedule, then Cal whips Tennessee. Next I told a bunch of people to F--- Bama cause you coach there now and I feel the heat. This week we have Virginia Tech - but what's really on my mind is that Michigan job. Lloyd Carr is toast after letting App State shock the world. I played at Michigan, and met my wife there, and want to get the hell out of your neck of the woods (at least until you take the Notre Dame job). How do I act like I'm not thinking about that job, yet secure a long term deal for $33 million?

Sincerely,
Your Friend in Coaching,
Les Miles

So this is like Dear Abby, only with people who aren't losers. Ok, that's not true entirely, I just got this note from Lester. So, here's my reply.

To: Les Miles
Bcc: LSU Alumni Groups, LSU President, LSU AD

Dear Lester,

First, thanks for at least recognizing I'm in control. Yes, it was a coronation fit for a King Saban. And F-You too. I'm not your damn friend in coaching, but I think I can help you here. Been there, done that.

Lester, you should start telling people you plain want the Michigan job. Now. Why wait? I mean, tell everybody. The press, your boss, the recruits, your wife, your dog. I know you have a big game this weekend, but the press already thinks you're negotiating anyway. Bastards. So tell them all you want the Michigan job more than anything, cause you "want to go home." The press will eat that alumni-I love Michigan-crap right up. Just make sure Michigan wants you, or the LSU folks will run you out of Baton Rouge before Halloween. Come to think of it, they may do that anyway. It will be like I told them of this letter, but didn't. Go get a U-Haul. Now.

Kingly Yours,
Nick Saban

Roll Bama.

Sunday morning Sabamoca

Well, well, well. It was quite a Saturday on the gridiron. The King had a huge day, and the Jester nearly wet himself. I think there were nearly as many fans outside the stadium hoping for a glimpse of me as there were fans in it. Let's review the day's activities.

First, the important stuff. Did ya'll notice those cool 'Bama shirts we were all wearing on the sidelines? Yeah, you guessed it, the King picked that out himself. I wanted to wear Birks with the pants, but nobody - including Terry - thought this was a good idea.

Appalachian State? Are you kidding me? The ESPN blowhards kept saying how they really were a championship team, even though they came from a lower level. But are you serious? Did any of this press dudes pick Appy State before kickoff? Hell no. The press are sheep. Again.

Pumpkin Boy got his ass kicked out in Berkeley. You know, on the one hand I wanted them to beat Cal for SEC supremacy, but on the other, it was pretty nice to see the Big Orange do the Big Flop. Somebody just turned up the heat in Knoxville.

Notre Dame sucks. Somebody schedule them for us immediately.

Auburn. Jester looked like he was about to wet his pants late in the fourth quarter. Can you imagine if they had actually lost? I heard the Auburn Board of Trustees was already warming the plane for a coaching search. If Kansas State can nearly pull the upset, I'm looking forward to our little visit over there already.

The Western Carolina Catamawhos did a great job .... playing road kill. I told ya, there would be all kinds of ceremonies, and one major butt-kicking. I wasn't even far off on the score prediction. #29, whatever his name is, did a great job. That first touchdown was pretty electrifying. Sabamania was, well, Sabamania. Get out the straw hats baby.

Mal said I should do something nice for their coach. So I signed a football with the score on it and sent it his way. Gosh, that thing will be worth a fortune, so I hope he hangs on to it. He didn't seem as happy at receiving it as I was to give it.

Saban Field at Bryant-Denny Stadium. Roll Bama.

Game Day: Western Carolina

Folks have been clamoring all week for me to let you guys in on what's gonna shake out at Bryant-Denny this evening. First, a little housekeeping.

As much help as we gave Croom's staff, it's amazing they got their ass kicked like they did against LSU - at home, no less. I'm not sure Lester's team is that good, but it it pretty clear State has no talent. 45-0? At home? The ESPN blowhards kept saying how State had improved over last year. True, they gave up 52 points last year. I can't wait to take my team over there.

So this day is gonna be full of all kinds of ceremony - for the King Saban Era begins a little after 6pm this evening. I started the day with some light meditation and yoga, followed by a full breakfast. Terry can certainly scramble some eggs. I had her play a little Skynard while I drank my Sabamoca. You know, those are sweet sounds.

Oh yeah, we're playing Western Carolina Catamawhos. Their AD said he would knock $5k off the check we owe them if I shook his hand before game time. Wow. I'm more King than I thought. Mal says this is a nice gesture on my part. I think it's economics.

Anywho, the crowd will roar a few times while we go through warm-ups. Then I will run out with the team to the sounds of other former Kings here - Bryant, Stallings, and then Me. Yep, I'm gonna be on the jumbotron. You guys will absolutely pee in your pants when you hear me coming booming over the loudspeakers. "We have an opponent in this state that we work everyday, 365 days a year, to dominate." Hell yes. Sabamania will be out of control.

We'll get up 30-0 with the starters. I'll pull them out, then we'll limp in with a 47 - 3 victory. Pretty nice way to start my reign here in T-town. Write down the score, it's going on my statue next to Bear in a few years. Roll Bama.

Now my own TV Show

This week is really getting some momentum. I'm the King, so you can imagine I've been approached by a number of companies for endorsement deals, including the Burger King. Not so interested in that, but the creators of The Simpsons have decided I should play a character in the show. This is so cool I nearly wet myself. Stadiums, streets, clothing, and now my own cartoon. I'm calling it Sabamania.

Roll Bama.

Baby Picture of Lester

This picture landed on my desk this morning. The envelope simply said "King Nick."

I thought it was a relative, then I realized who this reminds me of: Lester Miles. Somebody get that dude a pacifier before he yacks on all of us.

Roll Bama.

Busy Busy Busy Week

Wow, it's the moment we've all waited for. The King's official coming out party in Tuscaloosa. This week is special in so many ways, but it's truly been exhausting.

On Monday, I did my first Game Week press conference for the press dudes. They were eatin my words up quicker than a wiener dog on kibbles and bits. I threw out a depth chart - funny, it got met with all kinds of comments from the press like "no surprise here," etc. Those guys are so full of it. I totally treated them like mushrooms all fall camp - kept them in the dark and fed them crap. It's just another form of Crimson Carma. I've been on fire since SI hit the news stands.

Unfortunately I had to suspend a couple of players. Thought I should get that out of the way. Folks, we're playing Western Carosomebody this weekend. My grandmother could suit up and outrun the Catamarans. We'll be fine. I'm predicting a large margin of victory for the ESPN Gameplan audience. Anywho, I'll give a more detailed breakdown of the game later this week.

I also have to admit I've been a bit naughty. But Lester is so much fun to screw with that I couldn't help it. Ok, don't tell him, but this is what I did. I spent the weekend over in Starkville with Sly Croom. I figure that guy really deserves a break. You could argue that he got one when he beat Steak Boy in T-town last November, but my arrival has made that pretty meaningless.

So I don't know if you've heard, but Sly's Bulldogs are playing LSU at home on that truly awesomely terrible sports journalism network - ESPN, on Thursday night.

After I wrapped up game planning for Western Carowhoever in late July, I started working with Sly's staff on the side. Needless to say, we've put in a number of special wrinkles for the LSU game. Holy crap, I'd love to see Lester drop about 15 F-Bombs late in the 4th quarter Thursday night, down by about three touchdowns.

I just sent Paul Jr. out to the 7-Eleven for some water. I think he can handle the task. He's almost come to realize that I don't work for him, so we've made some great strides already this fall.

Roll Bama.

JoPa and the Playstation

Just heard that JoPa had decided to help his team get ready for the season with Playstation 3. JoPa, dude, I know you're getting up there, but you know this doesn't simulate a linebacker flattening the QB don't you?

On a related note, Auburn just upgraded to the Atari 2600. Hope Jester gets the paddles, cause those joysticks are a real pain in the butt.

Roll Bama.

Crimson Karma vs Crimson Carma

It's less than a week before kick-off, and a sense of peace has come across me. It really got me to thinking about the Universe, and my place in it.

My wife Terry started this cool thing called Crimson Karma this fall at the University. It's all about doing nice things and having it come back to you in some fashion. Clearly she is much nicer than me. It's very very cool. I decided that I wanted to talk about Karma myself.

First, the name. I need to distinguish this. So I'm calling this "Crimson Carma." See, I changed the "K" to a "C." I'm so clever since that cover of SI. So what is Crimson Carma?

Crimson Carma by The King
It's knowing I am the King and that the conference is already shaking
It's knowing we're better than people think already
It's knowing 92,000 care so much that they show up for a meaningless scrimmage
It's knowing that nobody cares the cow college has one for the thumb
It's knowing Lester is so distracted his Tigers are about to screw it up in September
It's knowing the national press is now eating out of my hands
It's knowing the question isn't "if" but "when" are we going to win the next championship
It's knowing we won three or four national titles but we get to call it twelve
It's knowing Pumpkin Boy is feeling pressure before we even hit the field
It's knowing Cockadoodle is ticked off at the USC administration
It's knowing that JoPa is now using a playstation for practice. And laughing.
It's knowing my name will adorn one of these street signs
It's knowing we're not distracted by text messages or "substance" policies
and, most importantly,
It's knowing that Auburn has now become an afterthought in this state

Peace out. Time for some yoga. Roll Bama.

Some interesting math

Contract Boy says I should keep working on my image. Much love to the US Department of Education for supplying the figures below. A whole lot has been made of my salary. I'm not a math whiz, but it seems to me that the economic impact I bring the University should be taken into account. Did you see the 92,000 who showed up for the spring fun? How much extra beer and food and Bama stuff do you think got consumed as a result?

How much do you think that free advertising for the University on the cover of Sports Illustrated this week is worth? Some dufus with the Atlanta-Journal & Stupidness said a few less potholes would get fixed this year in the state. They don't get it. I'm an investment in growth, not a cost center eating up valuable resources.

Anywho, throwing out the facts that most of my salary is paid from outside-the-university resources, if we just look at the revenue the University produces in football in comparison to my salary vs other schools, you get some interesting math. Sly looks way overpaid. P.S. Miles Brand of the non-profit group called the NCAA made almost $900,000 last year alone. What's he producing? He's no King. Roll Bama.

SEC coach	Salary	Football revenue	Percentage
King Saban, Alabama	$4,000,000	$44,426,312	9.0%
Jester, Auburn	2,231,000	51,598,921	4.3
Pumpkin Boy, Tennessee	2,050,000	27,732,427	7.3
Cockadoodle, South Carolina	1,750,000	33,051,529	5.2
Urban Legend,Florida	1,525,550	48,194,552	3.1
Lester, LSU	1,450,000	39,528,895	3.7
Boss Hog, Arkansas	1,049,644	28,466,785	3.7
Sylvester Croom, Miss.State	940,000	7,185,069	13.0
Ed Orgeron, Ole Miss	905,000	16,563,825	5.4
Rich Brooks, Kentucky	729,165	19,793,174	3.6

Some others

BCS game coach	Salary	Football revenue	Percentage
Jim Tressel, Ohio State	$2,013,700	$60,773,537	3.3
Bobby Petrino, Louisville	1,743,000	16,331,615	9.3
Bob Stoops, Oklahoma	3,450,000	33,757,486	10.0
Chris Peterson, Boise State	511,880	8,542,522	6.0
Lloyd Carr, Michigan	1,454,619	50,365,537	2.9
Trojan Man, S. California	2,782,320	27,777,249	10.0
Catholic Boy, Notre Dame	3,300,000	61,463,627	5.3

My own hat. Now my own tshirt

Check it out, my own clothing line. It's so Saban. Add a hat, and you've got yourself a football coach. Thanks Jeff - send a few for the wife and kids as well. Oh, and Mal wants one of these too. Maybe I should pass these out to the press as party favors. Roll Bama.

Lester, Meet Jester. Your Evil Twin

Much Bama love to Cindy in Birmingham for this picture. I'm the King, so I'm calling this Caption Capstone Friday. See, I make up a caption, and you can either comment or leave the King email on what you'd write here. Here goes:

I wonder what's really happening here? Looks like Jester zapped Lester with one of those trick hand buzzers, causing Lester's hair to stand right up. Either that, or somebody passed gas.

I would sure check my pockets for a missing wallet if I walked away from this conversation.

Roll Bama.

Some email from Dothan

The fan mail has been pouring in at an expected rate. Some dude from Dothan even sent the following written on a roll of toilet paper (pretty handy given where I sit to read all this stuff): "Your Exalted Majesty, Great King of Alabama, King of Kings, King of the Conferences; Master of Auburn, LSU, Tennessee, Florida, Arkansas, South Carolina, Kentucky, and Mississippi, and the nations of the PAC 10; Ruler of Michigan, Sparta and Troy; Sovereign Lord of CBS, ESPN and the entire blogosphere from the rising to the setting sun, His Most Exalted, Invincible, Incorruptible, Blessed of God, and Omnipotence among mortals"

I don't know what all that means, but it sounds like I'm in charge. Dothanite, go forth and conquer. P.S., the paper wasn't as soft as I'm used to. Send Charmin next time. With Lester's picture on it, since he poops out the mouth. Roll Bama.

Opening Day: An Ode to Greatness

During my morning jog, I began to think of the upcoming season. I get all teary-eyed thinking of the Legend I'm about to become here. Thinking of the cover of Sports Illustrated. Gotta put a framed copy over the toilet in my bathroom. There will be streets, monuments, and buildings - all with my name on them. So cool. I got so excited I wrote a poem:

We are but nine days from kick-off time
And the King of ‘Bama is doing just fine.
Jester, Lester, Pumpkin Boy, and the Press
Are all dreaming ‘Bama is a mess.
Alas, the cupboard Is not empty.
And The King is in charge.
Perkinator was no fun, Curry had bricks;
Stallings is the man;
DuBose was clumsy, Aggie Boy ran;
Destiny Price nary coached a game;
Did Steak Boy ever "coach" a game?
Mal needed a great coach with a little class
And boy, did the $4m King save his ass.
After all is said and done
The question isn’t if, but how many,
Championships the Tide have won.
Where will my statue reside?
Probably next to Bear, purchased by the
Members of Tide Pride. Roll Bama.

Football Coach. King. Legend. Poet. I've got it all.

Take me home, West Virginia. Not.

It's early here in Tuscaloosa, but we've got to get up and get goin. We have a team on the other side of the state that we aim to dominate 365 days a year. And from the looks of recruiting, we're way ahead of schedule.

Anywho, I'm reading a snippet from West Virginia coach Rich Rodriguez this morning after Yoga and coffee. I started laughing my ass off when I read this quote: "He was later talking about how important communication is, not just on the field but in all facets of life, while making another reference to the Alabama job. An erroneous report on a Friday night in December had him turning in his native blue and gold for crimson and white.

‘‘That’s what bothered me about that Alabama situation — and by the way I didn’t know their pockets were that deep, Nick Saban found that out — there was a miscommunication,’’ he said."

Ok, Rich, you're full of it. I'm from Fairmont, which is right up the road. I can't believe you didn't take the 'Bama job and get the hell out of there. You know what the only good thing to come out of West Virginia is? I-81 South. That's right, you didn't know how big the pockets were in Tuscaloosa because you were too busy counting the change the booster club sent ya after you got 'Bama's offer. $4m deep. I don't think you're gonna make quite that much.

Yes, you accepted the offer and got cold feet. I handled it much better. I just said no comment until January. Moron. This is why I am King and on the cover of Sports Illustrated, while you're trying to get some mountain folk all excited about your team. How great would it be for us to meet during bowl week? Not great for you , I can say that. I have just about decided my team is loaded. Steak Boy was a bad coach, but he did leave a few recruits. Roll Bama.

Jester and Academic Qualifiers

Ok, this just in. Jester really should be getting his guys on the plains into the classroom. Turns out one-third of their 30 signees from February couldn't even get into school. Said Jester, "Well, we're just glad 25 of them will be on the field this fall."

Twenty-five? Perhaps Jester should go to class himself. I'm no whiz, but that sounds wrong.

Check out this picture. Thanks Bobbie Leigh from Andalusia. Bobbie titled this one, "Auburn Valedictorian." Is that an 8-track back there? Pass the cheetos.

Roll Bama.

Check it out, I'm on the cover of SI

Looks like all this "good will press tour" is really paying some dividends. Crap, check it out, I'm on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

Much love to the writer (a Bama journalism professor, Mal says this is just fine). Check out this quote. “They have welcomed him as Caesar, as pharaoh, and paid him enough money to burn a wet dog. Now he will take them forward by taking them back to the glory of their past -- the 21 Southeastern Conference championships, the 12 national championships, the Team of the 20th Century (as The Wall Street Journal called the Crimson Tide in 2000).

“Saban has not promised them so much -- 'I don’t believe in predictions,’ he says -- but they believe. It may take two years, three, more, to be in the discussion again when people talk about the best teams in college football. But they know he will take them home."

I don't know about burning wet dogs - that's more a Michael Vick thing - but I do like being called Caesar and pharaoh. I may need to get one of those togas like Bluto was wearing in Animal House. The picture is very good, as it gets me in my vest and straw hat right in the middle of that ridiculous heat. Somewhere in the background is Paul Jr. getting me some lemonade.

Much Bama love to the journalist, Rick Bragg. This is fantastic butt-kissing material. Rick, I'll be leaving you a sideline pass. Please call Mal to pick it up. And Cecil, Rick is your example. Step it up.

If this doesn't give you some sense of how in control I am I don't know what does. This school went from laughing stock to the cover of SI in nine months. Free advertising. $4m bucks? A bargain. I am the King. Everybody get on my shoulders, cause we're marching back to national prominence. Siuya Jester, Pumpkin, Lester, and all others not on the train. Roll Bama.

I'm on the Peace-out Tour

Much as been made recently of the attempts to "better my image." It's such a load of crap. Mal says I should be nice. But actually, I think being a bigger-than-life horse's ass is the way to go - isn't that what Bear did? I mean, come on, I'm not smoking or drinking bourbon. Much.

Anywho, as part of my tour, I did a sleep-in nakedness with the press and some of my colleagues last week. I call this photo, "King Saban, ruler of all things." Pretty catchy. If you look closely, to the left, you can see me right next to the Jester. Well, not to close, if you get my meanin. That dude smells funny.

It was really a special moment. Me, Jester, Cecil Hurt, and Ivan Maisel. Lester wanted to go, but I told him he'd have to wait for the next global calamity before I let that happen. Mal asked to join too, but yikes, there's only so much nakedness one can endure. You know, I just couldn't help it. Right after this shot, I put on my straw hat and ran across the meadow yelling, "I'm King of the World."

Roll Bama.

Some Arrest Stuff

Had a little layoff over the weekend from updating all my fans. Mal's lawyers wanted to make sure my public diary was on the up and up. Made Paul Jr. get me a few cold ones Saturday afternoon since I'm in charge and all.

Tried to get some rest over the weekend, but I get this damn phone call the other night from one of Tuscaloosa's finest. He tells me one of my boys has been arrested on the strip. "What for?" I ask.

"Apparently, he was talking to some friends and wouldn't go to bed."

Ok, so we got that kid at Notre Dame was transporting liquor. Catholic Boy said that was an "honest mistake." Boys at Tennessee are abusing the "substance policy." Boys at Auburn can't spell. Ok, that's not against the law, but maybe it should be.

Seriously, I can't believe how much press this gets. It was even on ESPN.com. That's right, the same channel that thought 'Bama was an afterthought a year ago is now covering midnight incidents in Tuscaloosa, AL. Must suck to be them.

Here's my official statement. Who gives a ratt's ass. My all-world defensive back will run about a gazillion wind sprints over the next month, and sit out the first series against Western Carolina. Done. Roll Bama.

Fanmail from Bayou Country

I'm the King, and it's really showing this morning in my mailbox. It seems that my little meeting with Lester yesterday certainly stirred up the folks in Bayou Country.

Dear King. F You. Yours Truly, L. Miles - Baton Rouge, LA
Lester, I told you to sit down. You really should take an anger management class. I do yoga and mediation. In your case, you might want to add some meds on top of it.

Dear Mr. Saban. If we offer you $5m, will you bolt Bama and come back to LSU? The U-Haul truck is already at Les' house. Your old buddy, The LSU Athletic Director - Baton Rouge, LA
We're not buddies anymore. And I never really liked crawfish.

Dear Sir Nick King or whatever. Who gives a shit. Let's just get drunk and watch football. Yours truly, Jo Bob Harrison - Metairie, LA
Ok, this is the kind of fan I'm used to down there. Same number of names as teeth in their mouths: three. They are like Cubs fans really. Whether their football team is worth a damn or not, they really just want to get drunk and party on a Saturday night. Who doesn't? I think old Jo bob is already in to the Schlitz.

Keep the emails coming, it's simply entertaining. Roll Bama.

The Press is in Dire Need

They are in dire need of something, let me tell you. The Press all act as if they "know" exactly what's going on with my team. If they knew so damn much, maybe they'd be making $4m a year instead of stirring up the commoners with their two-bit columns.

Let's take Cecil Hurt. Nice enough fellow, but damn. Check this out from his column today: "When watching practice, even in small doses, and trying to form a preseason opinion about the upcoming year’s team, it’s often helpful to try to form some comparison of the current team with some of its predecessors.

Like snowflakes, no two teams are identical. (Who thought that there could be a snowflake reference to Tuesday’s practice?)

Over the course of the last few days, based not only on limited practice observation but also on scrimmage reviews and statistics and, most importantly, the comments of coach Nick Saban, there seems to be parallels between this team and other Tide teams of the past. The fact is, it appears that this team is going to have to rely heavily on offensive production to win games. That’s because the defensive talent, relative to the other teams in the league, may be at a low level that hasn’t been seen since 1969.

The previous paragraph is going to require a good bit of explication."

Cecil, buddy, "explication"? What the hell is that? Two teams like a "snowflake"? Are you kiddin? I'm not letting you anywhere near my boys again until you take off your skirt. This team has nothing to do with 2006, or 1992 or 1969 or 1892. For one, I wasn't here then. For two, I wasn't here then. And for three, how can you draw that conclusion when I don't even let you watch practice?

Let me repeat: we don't have a depth chart. My boys are not the losers they looked like a year ago. Coaching matters. Cecil, this wasn't very good butt-kissing material. Siuya. You're gonna have to run laps for the next interview. I've got the Jester across the state, and you're making a strong case for Village Idiot. Gotta go get my Saban Moca. Roll Bama.

Secret Meeting with Lester Miles

Sometimes I keep secrets. Come on, guys in my position – basically the Chairman of the Board if you get my drift – have to keep things close to the vest.

Anywho, after some light yoga and meditation this morning (this is how I control my anger towards the press), I ventured on over to Bryant Hall for an important meeting. I decided for the good of both our souls, states, and football programs we really needed to make peace. Ok, this is actually bullshit. One of Cajun Potty Mouth’s minions set the meeting up. Lester and a couple of his assistants were waiting on me when I arrived. Made him wait something like 12 minutes so that he knows I’m important.

“Nick,” says Cajun Potty Mouth. It’s already all I can do not to bite my own leg off, but I don’t say anything at this obvious disrespect by not addressing me in the proper way. “I’m hungry.”

Ok, so I take him over to the cafeteria. This is like the peace talks at Camp David. I lead him and his pack around to show I’m in control. We get back to my office, where he directs his assistants to sit and they all do like dogs following around their owner. I mean, seriously, it was pathetic. Guy ate a salad instead of sausage and eggs. Must be a wuss.

“So Nick, I think you know why I’m here.” Actually, I had no freaking idea. “Lester, what the hell do you want?”

“I was hoping Mike left you some direction here.” Steak Boy? Are you kidding me? “What we like to do here is called cooperation – see, if you’ll give me a copy of your spring playbook, I’ll be sure to send you one of ours sometime in November. We’ve done this with Mike for the last four years – everything except that part where we send him a copy of ours. But I’ll be sure to do that this year.”

The coffee I was drinking came spouting right out of my nose. “Are you friggin kidding me Lester? My staff and I have a word for this: ‘siuya.’”

He said he didn’t know what this meant, was it a foreign word or something. Of course Lester is stupid and spouts off at the mouth constantly, and is a moron, but I digress. “Lester, it means, Stick It Up Your Ass.”

Lester got all fired up. F-you this, F-you that. You’re a F-er. I mean it was real poetry. Then all of a sudden he was crying, I mean bawlin. “King Nick, I’ve been winning with your players, and the fans want to beat ‘Bama more than anything this year, and Pete Carrol is getting all this attention at USC, and you’re back in the conference, and ..” I will spare you the mellow-drama. It was sad and pathetic. And sad.

This year we will not be “trading playbooks” with any other staffs in the conference. Given the way my boys were man-handled last year, it’s the only explanation I have for that record. Ok, that and shitty coaching. My boys are not losers.

Lester. Jester. Pumpkin Boy. Siuya. Roll Bama.

Kenny Rogers - Singer or Reporter?

So as you may have figured out yesterday, I was pissed. I tell the press repeatedly there is no depth chart, then they go try to wrangle starting roles out of my boys. In my book they are all first stringers if they can make it through this stifling heat. I wish they would stop screwin around with the King's ways. I'm not exactly the pushover that Steak Boy was.

Shout out to my boy Kenny Rogers of the Dothan Eagle. Apparently when his entertainment career was over - which occurred somewhere between the movie "Six-Pack" and the song "Islands in the stream" - he converted to reporter for the Dothan Eagle. Not exactly the most respected profession, but in this case I think it was a step up.

I digress. Thanks Kenny for printing the entire statement I made yesterday about this depth chart thing - word for word. I don't know if you're trying to kiss my butt to get an interview, or if you were too lazy to actually write anything yourself, but I think it serves the purpose nonetheless. Roll Bama.

Legend is my boy

So I told you last week that I'm King, and 'Bama ain't playing no stinkin 11:30 am game for Abe Financial Sports for the season opener. I was simply emphatic about this with Mal.

Apparently, the SEC Commissioner dude, who thinks he's in charge (of what, I'm not quite certain) called Mal up. Said, "Mal, it's between you and Florida. And Florida is the defending National Champs. So you gotta take the early kick-off time. I don't care what Nick says"

Mal brings this crap to me. "Mal, give me the damn phone."

So I call the Commish. Cause I'm the King. "Commish, this is bull crap. First, you will address me as King Nick. Second, you go tell Urban Legend he gets the early kick-off, or Alabama is seceding from the Southeastern Conference."

"You're joking," he said.

"Negative. The Big 10 or 11 or whatever the hell it is is looking for a 12th team. 'Bama used to run this conference, and I'll be damn if upstart programs like Florida are going to call the shots. Don't forget I have connections up there."

Wa la, Florida gets the early kick-off time. See you on September 1. Late in the day even. Roll Bama.

Finebaum asks the question

And the King has the answers....

From the Paul column today: "However, if you listen to some of the experts, you might think Tuberville has already begun to wave the white flag in surrender. Regardless of the rhetoric, and it's worth pointing out that national signing day isn't until Feb. 5, 2008, the question begs asking: Has the pendulum already shifted and is there anything Auburn can really do about it?"

From The King: Paul, I don't know what a pendulum is, but the obvious answer is that there is nothing the Jester can do about 'Bama's return to its rightful place in this state. Game over. Why don't you just call me before you print this crap? It makes you look weak and scrawny. Did you get beat up a lot in the school yard?

I will say that you did have a nice quote in there about Auburn feeling like the red-headed step child to Alabama during the 1970s when we won something like 35 games in a row over those guys. The Bear was in charge. I'm in charge. I'm looking forward to making Auburn our beeatch again.

All in all, Paul, you do a pretty nice job of kissing my butt. I will join you on your show one day soon. Roll Bama.

Pumpkin Boy is getting the band back together

Much love to Jim Bob from Opp, AL, for this snapshot of Pumpkinator getting ready for the season. That's right, you don't see a whistle around his neck or a football in his hands. Apparently Karma is catching up with Pumpkin Boy, so he's decided to ready himself for his next career: aging hillbilly rock star.

I hope he coaches at least long enough for the King to whip his butt in October. Dude, if Steak Boy could beat Pumpkinator, look out. The King is ready.

I wonder if Johnny Majors will sing back-up? Lord, I hope not. Walking through the Saban-Bryant Museum, it looks like the only song he knew was the classic, "When we gonna beat 'Bama?" It was a tear-jerker.

I'd love to see a version of Rocky Top. Pumpkin on guitar, Johnny on drums, and maybe Cockadoodle on voice. Coach Cajun Potty Mouth can write the lyrics. If they need a "face" for the band, I think Steak Boy might be available.

That sofa looks like it came from the 1970s. Along with that tie. Roll Bama.

Dennis Dodd - not so clever

It's true. The King makes $4m a year, and that's a lot of dough. Don't forget I took a pay cut to get out Fishville.

Some reporters think they are so clever. Dennis Dodd over at CBS Sportsline is getting all womanly today over his love for Boise State. They have a good year and everybody thinks they've become a power. Ok, from Dennis the Menace's article: "Nick Saban makes more per year ($4 million) than Boise State spends on football ($3.5 million). The point? Alabama had better win the Fiesta Bowl this season."

Hey, Dennis, Saban Field at Bryant Denny Stadium seats more fans in the bathrooms than Boise State seats in their whole stadium in a year. You do the math. You're probably one of the same geniuses who thought Steak Boy didn't get enough time to suck before he should have been fired.

Not only that, the national title isn't being played in Tempe. It's being played in New Orleans. Dumb ass.

Sneak-Peak at Auburn Uniforms

Since the Jester and I are now on speaking terms, our relationship has really risen to a new level. As part of the truce, we've agreed not to turn each other in to the NCAA. Of course I didn't tell him I had a "Clone" now to do my dirty work. I'm gonna love screwin with Jester's mind. At LSU, what what our biggest rival, Tulane? The King didn't even have a worthy Jester, and that was no fun at all. Apparently we are now LSU's biggest rival - at least according to Coach Cajun Potty Mouth.

So back to Auburn. Jester hasn't tripped up and given me his game plans yet, but he did shoot me a copy of the logo that will adorn Auburn uniforms this year. It's the 40th anniversary of Auburn's only football national championship. I don't think they won the "Dunkel" title that year, but I'm pretty sure they must have been cheating. Jester says they are also considering putting this at midfield, and marketing a set of commemorative Pepsi products.

Of course 'Bama is no angel. But we didn't get caught for cheating until 1993. And since I'm King, I have decided 1993 didn't actually happen. As a result, we didn't forfeit any games. I stricken thee from the record any and all references to NCAA Probation. Done. Roll Bama.