Coaches Corner: Letter from Lester

I cannot get enough of being King of Tuscaloosa. After Saturday night, you would think we had won the national championship. Folks, it's all about process. And looking sharp doing it. Anywho, I found this letter in my in-box this morning. I think we'll start a new feature called "Coaches Corner" cause I get email from coaches every week looking to be as Kingly as myself. On to this week's segment:

Dear King Nicholas-

First, congrats on the big win. It looked more like a coronation than a football game.

As you know, I've been under a lot of pressure coaching your players after you won a national title and left town. I know, I could have had the 'Bama job before you, but that place was a mess back then. I've been popping Rolaids like candy just trying to get through this year - first, I took a swipe at Pete Carroll for the Pathetic -10 schedule, then Cal whips Tennessee. Next I told a bunch of people to F--- Bama cause you coach there now and I feel the heat. This week we have Virginia Tech - but what's really on my mind is that Michigan job. Lloyd Carr is toast after letting App State shock the world. I played at Michigan, and met my wife there, and want to get the hell out of your neck of the woods (at least until you take the Notre Dame job). How do I act like I'm not thinking about that job, yet secure a long term deal for $33 million?

Sincerely,
Your Friend in Coaching,
Les Miles

So this is like Dear Abby, only with people who aren't losers. Ok, that's not true entirely, I just got this note from Lester. So, here's my reply.

To: Les Miles
Bcc: LSU Alumni Groups, LSU President, LSU AD

Dear Lester,

First, thanks for at least recognizing I'm in control. Yes, it was a coronation fit for a King Saban. And F-You too. I'm not your damn friend in coaching, but I think I can help you here. Been there, done that.

Lester, you should start telling people you plain want the Michigan job. Now. Why wait? I mean, tell everybody. The press, your boss, the recruits, your wife, your dog. I know you have a big game this weekend, but the press already thinks you're negotiating anyway. Bastards. So tell them all you want the Michigan job more than anything, cause you "want to go home." The press will eat that alumni-I love Michigan-crap right up. Just make sure Michigan wants you, or the LSU folks will run you out of Baton Rouge before Halloween. Come to think of it, they may do that anyway. It will be like I told them of this letter, but didn't. Go get a U-Haul. Now.

Kingly Yours,
Nick Saban

Roll Bama.